


All the Letters I Never Sent

by RaptorRed



Series: All The Letters [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cocky Adora, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of past abuse, Military Backstory, Modern Era, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut that serves a purpose, Trans Bow (She-Ra), Useless Lesbians, lite smut, this fic hurts but has a happy ending I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 67,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28022823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaptorRed/pseuds/RaptorRed
Summary: All the Letters I Never Sent: The worst thing Catra ever said tore her apart from the girl she loves, sent their lives on a different path than either had wanted. The worst part is, she was right, but what makes it so bad is the toll it takes. Catra learns just how much Adora is hurting from the weight of her service she finds herself wishing she could love the soldier back together with the same patience and dedication that Adora used in their childhood to see her through her own nightmare. If only it worked that way... Ritual is a funny thing, the idea is to bring people together though shared experience, but for many it becomes a way to center themselves and mark the passage of time and changes it brings. When the two women meet back up by chance at college, it's the building of new rituals that helps them get through the process of mapping each other's wounds so that they can finally stop hurting and finally be togetherPsa. Anti Military doesn't mean anti-veteran.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Series: All The Letters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2185293
Comments: 509
Kudos: 683





	1. Thank God for Leggings.

Glimmer’s iced coffee left a ring of sweat on the table as she lifted it to take a sip.

“It’s just so damn hot out, I don’t know how you two can stand it.” The usually bouncy puffs of purple hair near her forehead were stuck to her skin. She leaned back against the chair, spreading her arms wide, basking in the air conditioning. 

Adora and Bow both chuckled, taking sips themselves. 

“We’ve been over this.” Bow leaned into Glimmer’s outstretched arm, planting a short kiss on her wrist. Glimmer’s face couldn’t possibly get redder or else it would have.

“Cali has nothing on Afghanistan.” Adora finished for him. Adora was kind of cold actually, she knew she would be in the Starbucks anyway. She was starting to regret not bringing a sweatshirt. Just a tank top and sweats, it’s not like she had anyone to impress. Today was lazy day. It was a day for indulgence and rest. 

Classes had started two weeks ago and it took a while for both her and Bow to adjust after not being in a regular classroom for three years. Had it really only been three years? 

Both of them studied endlessly, finally glad to have something to concentrate on after a summer of trips and her getting to know Glimmer. Bow getting to re-know Glimmer.

Neither her or Bow reenlisted and he’d offered to share an apartment together if she wanted. Adora had planned on going to college after her contract was up but hadn’t settled really on where. In high school she knew what she had wanted to do, but none of that seemed important anymore. Fuck it, she had thought at the time. It’s not like she had anywhere to go. Family, gone. Friends from high school, none of them talked to her anymore. Not more than the comments of photos on her Instagram. 

So here they all were, three roommates, classmates, one couple and a third wheel who didn’t mind being a third wheel to her squad mate and his rather amazingly kind girlfriend. All sitting in a campus Starbucks because they hadn’t done anything “Collegy” yet. Studying was “Collegy” right? Glimmer didn’t agree. Not that his was particularly, but it was more than going to class and going home. it's not like Adora knew what people her age did. Glimmer would know right ? She’s in her second year, Bow was a year older than her when enlisted, right after graduation, just like her. Bow would read Glimmer’s letters to Adora, most of them anyway. There was way too much she already knew about Bow’s girlfriend before they met this summer. 

There was more than one night she held him, crying, because he missed her so much, once because he was scared. Bow was terrified to come out to his girlfriend as trans. Adora was actually the first person he told. She was fine with it of course, both her and Glimmer. Nothing but supportive affirmations from either of them. For months she saw it eating at him, face scrunched under his helmet. Not an unusual look for Marine sweating under the scorching desert heat, but it was unusual for bouncy Bow. All of their morale went up when his face went back to smiling, even if it was infuriating as sweat dripped from their bodies. 

_Well hello…_ Adora thought, sitting upright to look over the two love birds sitting across from her. Full cheeks and pair of delicious thighs entered her view. _God bless leggings_. Adora thought to herself as she took in the woman leaning against the counter, waiting for her order. She was lean but curvy in all the right places. Adora rested her chin on her knuckles, admiring the smooth tan skin on her back. Mystery woman’s plaid shirt was rolled up and tied above her midriff, exposing the dips in her back just above the pant line. Cute short pixie haircut, plaid, studded earrings, Adora was suddenly regretting her choice of attire as she waited to see what the other side of Starbucks lady looked like. Maybe she would have to impress someone today.

“ I know that look Greyskull.” Bow was pointing a finger at her. Adora wiggled her eyebrows in return. Adora used to be a prudish, sexually confused girl when they first met, but now she had absolutely no shame, well, in her thoughts anyway. She wasn’t about to go slap some strangers ass. No matter just how squeezable it looked. 

“Oooo..” Glimmer started to turn around to see just who Adora was ogling this time. Glimmer always did, because she quickly learned that the tall blonde has excellent taste. Thank god Starbucks lady was wearing headphones because Glimmer didn’t have the word quiet programmed into her brain.

Bow crossed his arms and closed his eyes. “No, I’m not looking, these eyes are only for my lady.” 

“Oh I'm looking Bow, and the view is fantastic.” 

Adora let out a soft chuckle. 

The couple startled as Adora stood up, blue eyes wide in shock. Adora’s heart started pounding, her throat tightening. She couldn’t breath. 

Bow looked like he was about to stand up, “Hey, Whats wrong?” She didn’t answer. She couldn’t even hear them, not with the way her heart was thrumming up to her ears. Adora’s hands turning into tight fists by her side, trying to push the anxiety down. 

Catra hadn’t looked up yet, Her eyes were locked onto her phone as she walked towards them. Glimmer and Bow looked back at who their friend’s eyes were locked on. Hot Starbucks lady took a sip of her coffee, looked up and froze. Black Iced coffee slipped between her fingers as she took in a breath and stepped backwards, eye’s wide. The lid flew off from the impact and the cool liquid ran across the floor. Noise from the collision broke their brief shock and pixie cut ran for the door. 

“No, Catra! Wait” Adora slammed her thigh into the table as she tried scrambling around it. Adora was fast but as she got to the door she saw how far her highschool best friend had already gotten. She wasn’t about to go sprinting after someone who clearly didn’t want to talk to her. That part, she knew for sure. 

  
  
  
  
  


Three and half years ago.

____________________________________________________________________________

Adora and Catra laid sprawled on the bed, arms entangled as they both stared up at the ceiling, bellies still full of cake. Adora reached to the corner of the bed above her and held up a black graduation hat for both of them to see. 

“We did it Catra.” the blonde said with a contented sigh.

“We sure did.” The hat fell down and landed between them as Catra rolled over to face her. “It was lookin’ rough there for a minute for me.” Adora laughed, and Catra was so glad she had repositioned herself. This beautiful girl before her eyes, this dork who shook the bed while she laughed, mouth wide open. Even though hardly anyone had a grudge against most people teased her about that snorty full body laugh. Catra’s favorite. 

“Well maybe if someone wasn’t goofing off all the time during class.” Catra rolled her eyes. _I was usually trying to make you laugh idiot._ Adora felt the blue and golden brown eyes on her and turned to face Catra as well. They laid silently for while, just staring at each other with soft smiles. 

Catra leaned closer for a moment, reaching up to take the tie out of her ponytail. With a shake of a head blonde hair tousled and covered half her face. The brunet did the same and now both of their hair laid wild about them.

_Am I allowed to look at her like that?_

They could stay like that for hours, silently staring at each other. They’d done it before. Having silent conversations, the benefit of knowing someone for years. Adora was Catra’s first friend. They met in kindergarten. She was a tiny girl with wild hair and enough attitude to fill a room. A boy had stomped on her drawing during craft time and made fun of her darker skin. Catra had tears starting to well up in her eyes when a rush of pink shoved the boy into a pile of toys in the corner of the room. 

“Stop being a meanie.” Semi toothless shouted, alarming the teacher to the ruckus. Adora, in a ridiculously pink tutu , sparkly shoes and a tiara grabbed Catra’s hand. 

“Your skin is beautiful.” She said smugly then gaped at her new friend’s eyes. “Oh wow so are your eyes..” They both leaned in and stared nose to nose in a way only children can, uncomfortably close like they are taking everything in from a microscopic view.

“So are yours.” A princess came to her rescue thirteen years ago and they’d been best friends since then. Ups and downs sure, but they always found their way back to each other. The worst was Catra getting over her jealousy at how easily Adora made friends. That by far was their worst fight. 

Catra reached up and caressed the light scars on her best friend’s jaw. Heart thudding against her chest when she realized what she was doing.

“Reminiscing are we?” Adora raised an eyebrow, mouth starting to form that smug expression she gets when she’s about to tease the other girl.

“What's that word mean again?...” Catra stared back up at the ceiling, chin in hand. “I almost failed English remember?” A soft punch landed on her shoulder. 

“You threw a brick at me. A BRICK.” 

Catra scoffed.

“You made friends that weren't me, idiot.” Crossing her arms she faced the other way. Catra did the best to control her heart rate as Adora slotted up next to her, spooning, with her chin resting on the top of her head. Surely she’d feel how fast her heart was going. _Please please stop doing that._ Taking a deep breath she leaned into the taller girl and intertwined their fingers. Growing up they’d talk about crushes and giggle at sleepovers. It was always boys, Catra would lie and make up crushes on boys. 

Man did a lot of people have a crush on Adora. She’d been asked out countless times every year of Highschool, and rejected all but one of them. 

“Spill the tea.” Catra’s eyes narrowed, already waiting on Adora’s doorstep like a father. “Leave her be Catrina.” Emily, Adora’s mother, chided from the open window. “I swear you’re worse than me.” 

“No tea to spill.” Her dress ruffled in the breeze as she shuffled her feet, grinning wide. 

“We made out.” 

Catra, swallowed a sudden rising anger. “Oh, how was it?” 

Adora sat down next to her on the steep and elbowed her in the ribs. 

“Ouch, what the fuck Adora.” 

“Language young lady!” came from the window.

That stupid smug look again.

“Nah I’m just messing with you. He tried to kiss me but his breath smelled bad and he's just plain boring.” She held her hands out in front of her in the what can you do gesture. “ I can’t believe I had a crush on him. Man did he smell bad.” 

The fact that Adora never went on a date with anyone, went to prom with Catra and they were hardly ever seen apart made rumors go around. Rumors that Catra wished we true, and tonight she was going to try and make that a reality. 

“Hey, Adora…” 

“Hmmm” she rumbled back. She felt the vibrations of the noise in her back, tingling.

  
  


“That was a pretty killer graduation party.” 

“Heck yea it was.” 

“Thanks for making it our graduation party princess.”

“Wouldn’t have any otherway kit-cat.” 

Catra’s ears burned. She sighed a few times too, trying to find the words.

“Something is on your mind and you’re stalling. Out with it.” Adora poked Catra’s stomach and she huffed. _What an eloquent word choice._ Catra rolled her eyes at her own thoughts. _How to do this. How to do this._

  
  


“I got accepted into Bright University.” Adora left her side and was shaking her violently. 

“Thats fu...freaking awesome Catra I’m so proud of you.” 

Its not the college of her dreams but it had a decent art program. She also got accepted into the college of her dreams, Eitheria University in California. One of the best art and pre med schools in the country. Weird combination of specialties but hell, it was great. If this moment didn’t pan out and she got her heart broken, she could just fuck off and hide there.

“Thanks.” She was so nervous that it was hard to keep her tone even let alone sound excited. “ I applied so we can still be together, just like this.” 

With the fifth calming breath of the night she sat up, searching for beautiful blue eyes. “Because I'm in Io…” Catra shut her mouth abruptly. Why was her face so sullen? It wasn’t rejection, she hadn’t confessed yet. 

“Catra...I..” Adora moved and sat in the chair in front of her desk. “I told you what I was doing.” 

“Yeah, that you got accepted into Bright University.” She cocked her head as Adora sighed.

“Yes I did but I told you I was enlisting.”

“Well don't.”

“I already did., I ship out in two weeks….. I was .. hoping to tell you in the morning because I knew you’d be upset.” They both stared at each other again in silence, this time with cold eyes.

Catra broke first.

“What the fuck Adora!” 

“Catra..”

“Don't you say my name like that, all exasperated. You know how I feel about this.”

“How you feel?!” She replied with a sarcastic sounding laugh. Adora was standing now leaning over inches away from her best friends face. 

“Its my life. This has been my plan for years. You know that.” This goddess in a dress could be so scary when she was mad, tall and toned and full of rage. Rage she’d see Adora throw at assholes before.

Catra jolted off the bed, slamming her shoulder into Adora’s forearm as she moved past her and started to gather her things. 

“Yeah, and for what UH- DORA” The venom and pain and heartbreak were seeping into her words. “So you can go kill people for oil.”

“Catra..” 

“No, I know.” her bag was nearly stuffed, wildly with clothes that had been here for months pushing at the bags seems. “You want to be a fucking hero just like dear dead Dad.” _Shut up Catra, shut the fuck up Catra._ She chanted to herself as she approached the bedroom door, seconds away from tears. 

The door was open now and she was gasping for air. Turning around to see the woman she loved look so hurt and crying staring back at her might as well have been a punch in the throat. “Have fun murdering people.” Unstoppable tears started rolling down her face and she turned around.

“Don't..” her voice cracked. “Don't die idiot.” 

  
  


That was the last time they had spoken. Adora was crying once again as Bow and Glimmer lifted her from the floor of Eternia University’s campus Starbucks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That time my friend threw a brick at me after I fell off the four wheeler. 9 year olds man.


	2. Harm Reduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are a mess yall. Mentions drinking, mentions past alcoholism.

Two weeks ago they didn’t know they went to the same school, and now they glimpsed each other five times in one week. Both women pretending they didn’t see each other as their eyes met, quickly adjusting their gaze and powering in opposite directions, even if that wasn’t their destination.

“Why did she have to come here?” Catra let her words fall out, no one around to listen. Her roommate had gotten a short summary when she came tearing through their apartment, in tears and sobbing for an hour straight. All that pain she had pushed down years ago, locked away and poured concrete over in her heart reared its ugly head with a hundred sharp teeth.

Now though it was 5 am, she was buzzed and sneaking a cigarette out of her bedroom window. Her body was not going to be happy tomorrow. How many times had she picked up her phone, staring at the last message Adora had sent her? It was over a year ago. 

The messages came steady after the first three months. Nearly every god damn day. Every day turned into every few weeks. Then months. She remembered picking up the phone every time it buzzed in class, hoping it was her. Hoping it wasn’t bad news.

They had been messages about her day, new things she learned, a few frankly gorgeous pictures of a sandy desert and Catra at least remembered she was a medic. 

That last message though, it ripped right through her as she stared at it now, choking on her cigarette smoke. 

Beautiful Idiot: I miss you so fucking much Catra. Please talk to me. I need you. I know that's not fair and I’m sorry. I don’t care if its been years, I just want to hear your voice. 

“Gooooooood why am I doing this to myself.” She put the foul thing out an empty beer can resting on her night stand. She hadn’t smoked for weeks, reserving those for parties and bars. Now she was a half a pack in and planned on buying more in the morning. Hell, it is morning already. At least Adora finally swears. What else had changed?

After the first week of messages were successfully ignored Catra had resolved not to respond to any of them. She just couldn’t bring herself to do it and at the moment she regrets that decision immensely. 

“I’m the idiot.” she murmured, thumb hovering over the keyboard.

As months went by after the last message Catra started to get worried that something had happened. Not knowing was better, a Schrödinger’s box of her first love’s life. 

Not moving, her eyes rested on her reflection in the mirror across the room. Topless, in boxers and curled in a ball leaning against the window, eyes red with exhaustion. Half finished art projects sprawled all over the floor. She looked pathetic. Catra wasn’t used to feeling this way anymore and didn’t know what to do with herself. 

Her roommate Scorpia was worried about her, and honestly she was worried about herself too. The only thing that quelled the astoundingly buff softie was a promise that this weekend would be the end of the sulking. At least give her a week, a week to be a mess. “Gotta end things with a bang.” she told herself three beers in, dragging her painting she did for her freshman final out of her closet. It was leaning against her door, preventing her from leaving without touching it again. Forcing her to face her feelings.

Gold and white, with light shades of pink across her face. Her arms were wide open, in uniform like she was catching the sun. She had saved a similar picture on her phone for the project before blocking Adora on instagram. It hurt to much to see her and it was the only way she could stop herself from looking her up every now an then. The painting was blurry, implied lines and simple colors, blonde hair in a bun like a golden halo. Fallen Valkyrie she had called it. 

Classmates asked if she painted anyone in particular. “A friend” she had responded sullenly. They gave sympathetic looks, and “Sorry for your loss.” Catra didn’t bother to tell them that Adora wasn’t dead. Fallen yes, bootlicking murderer, tool for the military complex, that sweet silly horse girl she knew in high school had fallen. 

Catra rested her forehead against the cool glass of the window. The sun would be out soon, the birds already started their tweeting. She opened her eyes to see if she could catch a few beams of color on the horizon before she went to bed. 

A tall, very muscular woman with a long blonde ponytail jogged turned onto her street, the other side. Adora in nothing but a black sports bra and grey sweats bounced by across the street.

  
  


“Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!” Catra screamed, definitely loud enough to wake her roommate. With a growl she buried her head into the pillows that felt like sandpaper to her salted raw cheeks.

  
  
  
  


\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adora rolled her shoulders back and forth a few times, stretching them and her aching scars as she climbed up the stairs to her apartment. 6 am, it was Saturday so hopefully Bow and Glimmer will be sleeping still. She knew they were counting how many runs she had been on. Leaving abruptly throughout the day, homework half finished. She’d run, read a few pages and go back outside. Blasting the same song on repeat. "Pain" was the lyric she focused on, dramatic maybe, but it helped her calm the storm that was starting to brew inside her. 

She smelled bacon. _Shit_. 

She opened the door , making sure to face away from the dining table. As she gave her legs one last stretch. Her knees fucking ached. Once the shoes were off. She turned around, dark brows already furrowed and eyed her friends. Glimmer and Bow stared at her. The sight would be amusing if she knew she wasn’t about to get a talking to. They were worried and while that was genuinely sweet, they didn’t need to be. 

Glimmer was wearing a long t shirt, eyes barely open as she sipped her coffee. Bow rested a huge plate of eggs, bacon and pancakes on the table. 

“Cream and sugar?” He asked, tone flat. So that was how we was going to go about this. Matter of fact. 

“Yeah let me shower first, I’ll be five minuets.” 

Bow snorted. 

“You can scrub faster than that Corporal.”

“Maybe I wan’t to relax a bit, Lance Corporal.” she bit back, making the tease in her tone clear. 

“How did you cook bacon in nothing but a sports bra and boxer briefs anyway?”

“I don’t know how he does it either.” Glimmer murmured in between sips of coffee. 

“If I cook bacon I basically need safety goggles and an apron.” 

Bow let out a low laugh before bouncing back and forth and kissing Glimmer’s cheek. 

“Its cause I’m magic baby.” _Good_ Adora thought, it's weird seeing Bow too serious, it makes her nervous. Serious Bow only came out in the three years she knew him when there was danger.

  
  


The water felt unbelievably good against her sore muscles. The seems of healed stitched together skin stretched easier under the heat. She knew she was over doing it, but she had to do something. After scrubbing the sweat from her body she stood under the water, eyes closed. Letting the warmth seep into her muscles and itch the twinges in her back. 

_Catra_. She thought about the last time she saw her small fiery best friend. Crush really, love of her life? Probably. The way her heart raced when those mismatched eyes moved in close to hers as she undid her ponytail. She wanted to kiss her so bad. Young Adora was stupid. Hammered down those feelings. Not because she thought liking girls was wrong, even though she only liked her, and her alone. But because she thought wanting to fuck her best friend was wrong. She let out a small laugh. 

Teen Adora wouldn’t have known what to do with that beautiful girl anyway. Had no clue how to have sex with another woman. Innocent Adora wanted to shower that golden skin in kisses and hold her forever.

Now she was here, and still not talking to her. After over a hundred seen but un responded text messages was she really surprised? No, but that didn't stop the yearning to hear her voice again. To feel her warmth between her arms. The last time she truly ever felt safe. It was the kind of pain she liked to lean into, because it was familiar and sprouted from love. It also gave her anxiety. Thus the running. Not knowing when she'd see her on campus. Being able to spot her in a crowd of people. The only time Catra hadn't also noticed her. Adora stared, searing beautiful 22 year old Catra into her memory. 

Internal timer went off. Five minutes. 

After a few heaps of scrambled egg entered her mouth she found Bow’s hand grabbing her empty one. 

“You need to stop over working yourself Adora.” She put her fork down and said nothing, looking at the wall behind both of them. 

“You’ve been on 22 hour long runs in the last 6 days dear.” Glimmer grabbed her other hand. 

“Oh.” She was genuinely surprised. No wonder her knees screamed at her, it wasn’t just the scars.

“And that's on top of using our gym equipment.” 

Adora pulled her hands free and rested her face in them. 

“You know what she meant to me Bow.” He didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry I worried you. Thank you really. I didn’t think it was that bad. I’ll give myself rest days.” When she didn’t have the self control to enforce it, she’d take her running shoes and run water over them in the sink. Can’t run in wet shoes, she’s never been that desperate. 

“I guess I have a more accurate number for my therapist now though. Thanks Glimmer.” 

She leaned back and gave them a wide toothy smile. Hand pointed to the top of the fridge, filled with various kinds of liquor. 

“I have to give myself credit though.” Compromises, harm reduction. Words from her therapist bouncing in her head. Not once was she tempted to drink it away. It was fine that it was there. Adora could still enjoy a drink, get drunk. She just couldn’t use it as a coping mechanism. The humvee. Her mom’s death and that fucking humvee. That's what drove her over the edge, spiralling. Honestly no one could blame her but thanks to Bow, it was a relatively short spiral in the grand scheme of things. 

“Yeah.” Bow said shakily. He'd seen the worst of it, taken the worst of it from her. They both stood up and sandwiched Adora between them. 

“Best friend Squad.” Glimmer shouted, Bow and Adora followed after. 

“Can you get your tits off my face now please so I can go back to breakfast.” Glimmer turned right back around and took her plate toward the living room. 

“You ruined it Adora.” She stuck her tongue out at her as she walked past the blonde. Bow shimmied as he stepped back. 

“Enjoy em' while you can Greyskull. They’ll be gone after finals.” 

“Fuck yea they will you beautiful man.” She smacked his bicep playfully. 

_Ding_

Who the hell was texting her? The only people who sent her messages were 6 feet away.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think and thanks for reading! Next chapter shouldn't be far away.


	3. I have a reputation to uphold around here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora learns more about herself and the two finally see each other for the first time in over three years.

“I think that maybe your anxiety has been high lately for other reasons. Not just the possibility of Catra coming back into your life.” Adora looked down from the computer screen, suddenly finding her nails very interesting. What could possibly make her more anxious than that? She could so easily fuck this all up. What if Catra asked her out for coffee just to tell her that she didn’t want anything to do with her anymore? Meeting up with her just to make the awkward encounters come to an end. No, that’s stupid. She’d just continue to ignore you, like she ignored Kyle’s existence for all highschool just because he’d spilled water over her art project freshman year. Adora bit back a smile.

“Adora…” Hope, her therapist called from the computer. 

The ex Marine cleared her throat and brought her attention back to their session.

“I don’t know Hope, the thought of fucking this up is making me pretty fucking anxious.” 

Hope nodded, tapping her pen against the notepad. 

“You’ve spent the last three years in a strict routine. Even when it wasn’t the same thing every day you came to expect to be told what to do. When we spoke a week ago you were telling me that you and Bow both settled in nicely to going to class, studying at home and that you squeezed it around your normal exercise and morning rituals. Tell me, did you do anything other than that since school started?”

“Um…. We did have movie night still.”

“That's a routine Adora.” The blonde kissed her teeth, trying to think of anything other than the Starbucks run. Nothing came to mind.

“Running into Catra, avoiding Catra, and hoping she comes back into your life has changed your routines and could throw a wrench in them in the future. You’re not used to allowing yourself the possibility of doing something unplanned. In the past when outside forces disrupted your schedule that meant danger. Your mind and body are expecting danger currently, waiting for it to come.” 

Adora nodded. That made sense, but how did she go about rewiring the alarms in her head. Well, that’s why she was in therapy right?

“Okay, Greyskull.” Hope always addressed her by her last name when she really wanted to drive a point home. “Now, I don’t want you to do anything drastic or consequential, but I want to invite you to try and do something completely off the cuff for you a few days a week, or at least try it out.”

“Like what?”

“ Anything really, anything small. Go to the beach, or buy those shoes you wanted even though you don’t need them, go get your hair done, etc. I just want you to break your routine in fun ways to show yourself that you are still safe.” 

Her head bobbed, nodding.

“Yeah, i can do that.” 

“Oh and Adora?”

“Yeah?”

“Tomorrow is going to be fine, you have my phone number if you need me, I don’t care if it's a Sunday okay.”

They said their goodbyes and Adora closed her laptop. No matter how comfy her bed was she knew she wasn’t going to be able go to sleep until she wore herself out. No running _.  _ Instead she just laid in bed, staring at her phone. 

Kit-Cat: I’m glad you’re not dead.

Me too

Kit-Cat: Do you want to get coffee tomorrow ?

Are you actually going to drink it this time or are you going to make another slipping hazard.

Kit-Cat: Asshole. 

Kit-Cat: 9:30? Campus Starbucks even though I hate that corporate bullshit.

Sure. See you tomorrow. 

  
  


“Fuck I’m going to be late.” Catra stormed into the living room, eyes searching the floor. “Scorp, have you seen my boots?” The muscle bound platinum blonde looked up from her laptop.

“Oh yeah, they are in the coat closet and what do you mean late .It's only 8:50.” 

Oh thank god, they were there. The last thing she needed to top off her outfit. Tight black jeans, studded belt, red and black leather boots, red scoop tank. She’d have worn her leather jacket too if August wasn’t the hottest goddamn month of the year. 

“I want to get there before Adora, and Adora is probably going to be twenty minuets early, so 9:30 really means 9.” 

“I’m so proud of you Wildcat.” Catra groaned. 

“Why this time.”

“I’ve never seen you reconnect with an ex before, make things friendly.”

She gathered her keys and was half way out the door. 

“I told you she’s not my ex.” 

“Long lost lady love then.”

“NOPE!” Catra yelled from the hallway as the door shut behind her.

  
  


Peeping inside before entering she saw the coast was clear. No Adora yet. Thankfully, the barista wasn’t the same one from when she dropped her drink in surprise before running like a bat out of hell. 

God she was so nervous. What would she say? Sorry for ignoring your texts for three years? Blocking you on social media? Because you made a life choice I didn’t agree with when we were teenagers? That she had actually come to say goodbye before she got on the bus to head to boot camp? That she hid like a coward and cried behind a building as the bus drove away instead of holding you one last time? That for the first year she had a google alert for her platoon to make sure she wasn’t killed? She felt dizzy. Just say hey, and go from there.

“One cold brew, black, and uh… Iced vanilla soy latte please.”.

  
  
  
  


Fuck she’s in there already. Adora’s eyes caught Catra sitting at a corner table, legs crossed and staring at her phone. She’s run into hot zones, carried a legless brother away from more mortar fire, spent three days surrounded by enemy insurgents but was frozen with her hand on the door for Starbucks?

Deep breaths. She closed her eyes, counted to eight in her head as she inhaled, letting it out long and slow.

“Are you going in or…” A man’s voice called out behind her. 

“Uh… right.” Adora shook her head, pulling the door open with a rush of cool air. 

She didn’t glance to the back of the café as she got in line, trying not to tap her foot against the floor at a hundred miles an hour. She was feigning interest in food display when a sweet raspy voice tightened the knot growing in her stomach. 

“Hey Adora.” She turned around slowly, mouth hanging open in surprise. How long had it been since she’d heard her voice? It bounced around in her mind like the sunrise. Each beem a memory of all the hey Adora’s she’d heard. Usually accompanied by the smaller girl jumping onto her shoulders for a piggy back ride or plopping down next to her in the living room. Over three years since the voice she used to hear everyday. She was just standing their staring wasn’t she? 

“I.. uh.. got your drink already, tables back here.” 

“Oh, uh thanks.” 

The walk to the table felt like an eternity. She’s actually there, a few steps ahead, close enough to touch. 

“Vanilla soy iced latte right?” A soft smile broke through her nervousness. 

“You remembered?” 

How can a scoff be so comforting.

“How could I possibly forget how white girl you are?” 

“ You got me there.” They were both smiling as they sat down, nervousness hovering in Adora’s throat still but at least this is a start. 

She didn’t imagine how hard it would be to look at her again. Wanting to take in every detail. The new hair, the freckles that dotted her face. She wanted to stare into blue and golden brown mismatched eyes that she used to look into for hours as they laid in bed as teenagers, a world all unto their own. Instead she just stared down at the table, not a clue as to what the fuck to say. 

Catra cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. 

“So uh, you’re out?” 

Adora nodded 

“And you’re going to school here?”

“Yeah, I'm uh, pre med. What brought you here? I always thought you were going to Brightmoon?”

“Well yeah, I applied but I also applied here. This is my last year.” 

Thirty seconds of silence was awkward. A minute was uncomfortable. As the minute maker grew to somewhere around 3 the tension in the air was downright suffocating. 

“I don’t care that you never texted me back.” Adora leaned forward on the table and this time didn’t confer her gaze to inanimate objects. “I don’t care because somehow you’re here right now when I never thought I’d see you again.” 

Catra’s face tightened as a soft sob escaped her and they finally really looked at each other. They had spent so much time apart and coming back together had both women fighting off the need to tremble. 

Catra stood up. 

No no no. Her brain was screaming at her. The panic in her wide blue eyes was obvious. Way to go Adora. You know she has a hard time with making up, and this was way more complicated than a fight. She stood up, intending to follow her if she walked out. There was no way she was going to let her get away again. Not without a word anyway. If she really didn’t want anything to do with her she’d respect it, but she had to say it out loud. It would hurt like hell, it would hurt worse than the metal that ripped into her body, worse than the burns. Adora’s heart was thrumming wildly in panic. “Catra I don't expect things to just…” Except Catra didn’t run away. Hours of built up tension melted from her body as familiar warmth of the smaller woman embraced her. 

“I’m sorry Adora.” She said in a whisper, tears streaming down her face slowly being absorbed by Adora’s shirt. “I’m so sorry, I was an idiot.” 

Adora pulled her in close, resting her head on top of her best friend. As her shoulders relaxed it felt like her arms would melt into the warmth of Catra’s back. Was she always so soft? Adora couldn’t remember. 

“Hey. you’re only allowed to call me an idiot, not yourself.” There was a snotty laugh muffled by Adora’s chest.

“Idiot” 

“See, that sounds much better.” 

Catra laughed a bit more, arms tight around her. 

“Can we go somewhere else?” Catra said softly. “I wasn’t planning on crying in public, I have a reputation to hold up around here.” 

It’s only fitting that they started up back where they left off. Crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to stop italicizing thoughts. I will edit the first chapters later, possibly after I've finished this fic. I have the whole story that I want to tell laid out. I'm guessing also that from here on most chapters are going to be longer now that our favorite duo are speaking again. Less crying now too. For a while anyway! Thank you all for commenting and the kudos. It makes me happy seeing people enjoy this.


	4. Oh God Yes! Yes! Adora!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra.exe has stopped functioning. Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

Hey Catra!

I’m so excited to finally get to write to you. Well, I texted you a few times now , but I also don’t want to send a huge wall of stuff each time. I could call you but seeing as how you haven’t texted me back I figured that would tick you off more. Look, I know you’re mad but come on we’ve been best friends since kindergarten. 

Boot camp was something else. If you thought I was crazy doing soccer and volleyball your eyes would bulge at what we had to do here. I was one of the top times on the run though! So it wasn’t for nothing. They kept waking us up at all hours, the food is nothing to brag about, it’s not as bad as people make it out to be though. I’m joining my platoon in Beaufort soon. 

I made a few friends, well that’s one way to describe it. When you all go through such grewling training together it’s different.The way you train here, it’s like you are all molded into one person. 

Bow, she’s the person i’ve clicked with the most and it looks like we are going to be in the same platoon, squad even. Honestly, you’d hate her. She’s just so happy all the time. It's kind of insane. Imagine seeing someone smiling at you full gusto after carrying a giant log in the summer heat for two hours. 

So…. I’m excited to hear about your classes! You’re going to do so great at Brightmoon. I know high school was hard for you. Now that you’re away from Shannon for good I think you’re going to do great. 

I miss you so much Kit-Cat. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Catra was feeling a little disconnected from reality. She had spent a week drinking, sulking, crying and sleeping. Mourning someone who wasn’t dead, mourning time she wasted not talking to the person who was the center of her world since she was a child. She hadn’t cried like that in years. At the beginning of last semester there were a few days that she let tears loose. She found out, thanks to an acquaintance from school that Emily had passed the year before. When Catra vowed to not talk to Adora again, that included her too. That was a regret she carried with her, and part of the reason she found the will to text Adora after seeing her at the cafe. 

Emily was like a mother to her too. She practically lived with them after she turned 18. Before then to but 18 was the magic number when Sharron fucking Weaver couldn’t leagally terrorize her anymore. It didn’t matter what time of night she’d come banging on the Greyskull’s door. Emily would rub the sleep from her eyes, held her until she was done crying. Full of milk and cookies she’d tuck Catra into bed right next to Adora. 

Mom. Catra closed her eyes. They way she would call Catra her daughter, cook her favorite meal for her birthday. 

“What kind of teenager’s favorite food is salmon?” She’d say, poking the tip of her nose. The house would stink of fish for days, but her lemon crusted salmon was mouthwatering. A small laugh escaped her at the memory. 

That, that exactly was why she felt off kilter, but in a good way. A high she couldn’t come down from. A week crying and now her face hurt from smiling. She was even laughing to herself walking down the street, and not about someone tripping.

It’s not like she was depressed before Adora exploded back into her life. Classes were going well, friends a plenty. She was existing, and existing pretty damn successfully. Now though, the world felt brighter. She even hugged Scorpia back this week. 

“Did you just…” Scorpia released her unexpectedly soon and Catra nearly fell. 

“I absolutely did not.” 

“You hugged me back!” After a quick fist pump her roommate reached for her phone. “I’ve got to tell Perfuma about this.” 

“You’re lying, I did no such thing.” 

“I need to meet this Adora soon. If she makes my Wildcat so happy.” 

“Soon.” Catra had told her with a genuine smile. Not yet though. It was still a little strange, new yet familiar. Both had changed, it would take some time. They had talked for a few hours after leaving the cafe, mostly about the past. Both were emotionally exhausted and still had school work so they parted ways and had texted back and forth constantly since.

Adora had known exactly what to say to her, to absolve her of the guilt she held for not responding to a single text message out of the hundreds she’d gotten. Literally hundreds. If it had been anyone else she’d probably be creeped out. Given their lifelong relationship it made sense. That and when Princess made her mind up about something she didn’t quit. 

The Adora she knew before definitely wasn’t scrawny but now she was well… ripped. Scorpia is still the most muscular woman she knew. She was a bodybuilder with shoulders the size of Catra’s own head, and on her off seasons she was soft too. Adora was thicker than before definitely, but also way more compact. Like a silk pillowcase wrapped around steel cabling. It was nice, alarmingly nice. 

She couldn’t not notice the scars. The largest one she saw was on her left arm. When the blonde noticed her eyes on it she tucked her arms under her knees as they sat and talked. She was curious but it was obviously something Adora didn't want to talk about. Catra wasn't just curious, she was enraged. Someone hurt her, badly. However, she packed that rage into a box in the back of her mind. It was a rage with no clear outlet. Deal with it later.

The look in her princess’s eyes when she asked if she missed being in the military was distant. Catra got the answer she was hoping for, but the flat deadness in her eyes as she said “No” gave her a sinking feeling. It was obvious that the subject was currently off limits. Classified. If she never wanted to talk about it that would be okay. Preferred maybe, she wasn’t sure.

Adjusting the bag on her shoulders she walked a little faster once she saw Adora in the middle of the quad green, sitting with two other people in the shade of a tree. The young black man in a crop top waved at her, causing the pretty girl next him to get Adora’s attention. 

Adora whipped around from where she sat, greeting her with a wide grin. Catra’s heart gave a heavy ‘ba-dum’ that she could feel in her ears as her pulse started to quicken. Calm down Catra. You’re not a love sick teenager anymore. It was probably just because she was here again. Home. Not home but… safe and in walking distance. She would never describe their relationship as sisterly, not even as children. The Greyskulls were family though, the only family she’s ever had. 

Catra kicked off her flats and rested her art bag on the large blue blanket. There was a large wicker picnic basket in the middle and everyone had books and backpacks resting nearby. 

“Bow, Glimmer, I’d like to introduce you to Catra.”. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you Catra.” Bow leaned forward to shake her hand. Calloused and strong, Glimmer’s was a stark contrast, soft. “Before you ask.” He added. “It’s my last name, I’ve always preferred it.” 

Catra snickered. 

“I wasn’t going to question it. Since moving to Cali I've stopped being surprised by unusual names.” Let's see there was her roommate Scorpia that she met freshman year. Perfuma, Scorpia’s girlfriend of two years and running. Mermista, the almost hook up that turned into a beautiful friendship. Both of their no fucks given attitudes when combined was a force to be reckoned with. 

She narrowed her eyes at Bow, searching his face. 

“You look really familiar.” He gave a look of surprise at Adora. 

“Yeah.” The blonde spoke up. “He’s in a lot of the pictures I sent you. We’ve been side by side since boot camp.” Oh. Catra thought. Hopefully I’m not about to be inundated with bootlickers. With her.. ( former? current?) best friend’s avoidance of deployment talk she doubted that was going to be the case. 

After the usual college questions of what year, and what major the group settled into an easy flow of brief conversations. Glimmer seemed nice, a bit to chipper for her taste, Bow too. Adora’s energetic self suited her nicely growing up because it wasn’t all just sunshine and rainbows. Their playful insults back and forth followed by wrestling matches brought the perfect balance. 

It was hard to focus on the shapes in her sketchbook. Adora kept looking up from where she laid, nose in the textbook. Every few minutes they would catch each other's eyes and smile. She looked so peaceful, so comfortable. It was inevitable, as the lines on the page started to turn into the woman next to her. Catra would have gotten a lot more done by now if she could stop getting lost in sky blue eyes.

“It must be fate.” Glimmer said, closing her textbook. “I mean, come on, what are the odds?” 

She wasn’t wrong. All the things that had to align for them to meet again. Of all the schools Adora could’ve gone to. 

“Yeah, this isn’t a small campus either. “ Catra replied. 

“Good thing Adora’s such a perv you might have just walked right by.” 

Excuse me? Adora a perv? Wait what did she mean. Adora’s eyes were wide, staring at Glimmer. Glimmer was pointedly not making eye contact and Bow stilled. 

“If she hadn’t been droo” The tall blond went from laying down to standing with one fluid motion, her hands colliding in a loud clap.

“I sure am hungry.” She said, voice tight and loud. “How about we take a break from work and chow down.” With that Adora bent over and began to unpack the wicker picnic basket. She was glaring at Glimmer in an intensity that could cut glass. 

Please finish that sentence Sparkles. Catra was staring at the purple haired girl now too. Glimmer sucked her lips in and let them out with pop, eyes shooting back and forth between her and Adora. 

“That sounds great, let’s eat Bow.” She said, grabbing her boyfriend’s hand.

  
  


Catra could hardly even linger on the lovely taste of the smoked salmon because her mind was racing with questions. Drooling over who? Her? The guy that was standing next to her? The barista? WHO. 

Three of them were finished while Adora continued to peck at a separate pail she had packed for herself. Full and unable to take her eyes of the woman next to her, Catra leaned back against the tree and sipped on her water. I mean Adora always had to eat a lot but that pail had enough to feed her for a couple of days. 

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.” Catra said. “Abosolutly no judgement but fuck is that a lot food.” The girl let out a soft laugh, teeth dug into one of her sandwiches. With a free hand she flexed. Catra needed another sip of water, her mouth was incredibly dry. 

“It takes her like an hour to eat and she has to snack constantly.” Bow said from Glimmer’s lap, eyes still closed, enjoying the touch of his girlfriend’s fingers running through his hair. 

“I’m actually hoping to get some fat on me.” Adora gave her stomach a gentle slap. “The last girl I slept with said it was like cuddling concrete.” 

Catra was choking, coughing water onto the blanket. The bark from the tree she was leaning on uncomfortably scraping the small of her back. A large warm hand began rubbing circles on her back. Adora sat down next her, unable to hold back a familiar snorty laughter. 

Oh, welcome back stomach butterflies. It’s been a while, convenient timing seeing as how I'm trying to regain my composure. 

“Did that really surprise you Kit-Cat?” 

Once she caught her breath she wasn’t exactly what to say.

“So uh… are you a big dyke now or something?” Dyke? Really? That was the word you chose. 

Adora rolled her eyes and smiled. Good, not mad. 

“Well, I don’t know if dyke is the word I’d use.” Adora planted her hands on her hips in wonder-woman pose and smirked. “That’s not what women usually call me.” It’s been a while since she’d seen that smug expression. What was she up too? 

“Please no.” Glimmer groaned, hiding her face behind her hands. “Please Adora, we are in public.” 

The blonde stretched and plucked a notebook from her side of the blanket, still firmly seated next to Catra, legs touching. Hastily scribbling something down before handing it to Catra. 

She raised her brows at the page in her hands and read them out loud.

“A goddess? Really?” 

“No, no, you’re saying it wrong.” Glimmer groaned louder as Adora responded. 

The tall blond leaned her head back, scrunching her brows together , eyes half open and mouth slack in fake orgasim. 

“OH GOD YES! YES! ADORA!” 

Bow was laughing hysterically as Glimmer shoved him off her lap to bend over and hide from eyes that looked their way. 

Catra’s face had never been this red in her life. It was hot and it burned all the way up to her ears. What happened to her princess? Who was this sexy, lude demon that sat next to her. 

“What about you Catra?” She leaned in and Catra leaned as far back into the tree as she could, gulping. Warmth shot straight to her groin as Adora began to press her fingers rhythmically into her leg, just above her knee like a cat. Sky blue eyes full of mirth and mischief. 

“Kitty _kneads_ carpet now?” What in actual fuck was happening. She was full of panic she’d never felt in her entire life. Her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest as it sustained the longest, hottest blush in living memory. Catra.exe file not found, rebooting. 

“What the fuck!” she yelled, shoving on the compact woman’s shoulders. Old patterns fell in place as Adora simply responded with more laughter. Catra pounced on her sending the blonde to the ground, Catra straddling the woman's stomach, hand smushed up against her face trying to shut the blonde up. This used to be typical of them, but usually accompanied by playful punches back and forth. “You’re an asshole you know that.” Adora was still shaking with laughter beneath her. “Spend thirteen years with this idiot not even saying the word ass of course that caught me off guard.” 

The giggling and snorting continued and Catra crossed her arms with a scoff. She became very aware of where exactly she was sitting and stood up. She walked over to Bow who was also laughing and gave him a moderately gentle kick in the leg. Arms still crossed she faced the other way waiting for the laughter to die down, one thought repeating in her head. Holy shit you are still so in love. 

Taking deep breaths she paced. 

Rejoining reality Adora sat up and watched in amusement as Catra glared at her. 

“Are you done embarrassing me yet?” 

“You never answered my question.” Catra scoffed in retort, scowling. 

“I don’t think you deserve an answer.” She planted her feet and spun to face her. 

“You’re awfully full of yourself for someone who hasn’t gotten any in a while.” Bow chimed in. 

“Ow, glimmer.” She elbowed him in the ribs. 

“Don’t be so crude Bow.” Glimmer chided him playfully. 

“Crude!” He threw his arms up. “Adora just orgasim screamed across campus.” 

“Yeah well I don’t expect better from her, I however have standards.” She planted a kiss on his forehead. 

Catra pointed a finger at the demon with blue eyes. 

“I bet you have no game at all.” It was Adora’s turn to roll her eyes. 

“I flustered the hell out of you didn’t I.” 

“Thats… thats not the same thing at all you stupid jock.” She growled, eyes narrowing.This woman was going to be the death of her. 

Adora licked her teeth and raised a brow. 

“You’re disgusting.” Catra needed to go home, her brain was fried. There was no way in hell she could figure out how to act around them right now. Adora had definitely changed. It wasn’t a bad thing but while she was 99% positive that she was being flirted with there was all the chance she was just being messed with. Tested out. Their friendship was blossoming again and maybe this was part of it? Flirting is how she found most of her friends at University. 

“I thought that was you.” Catra spun her head and her stomach dropped. Guilt. It's not like she wasn’t going to tell them about Jen, but she definitely didn’t want Adora and her friends to see Jen. 

Bow and Glimmer’s eyes went wide as a tall lean woman with long dirty blonde hair embraced Catra from behind and planted a kiss on her cheek. She had a type okay? It was more than that though, their faces were too similar. Easily could be mistaken as sisters. Could this day possibly get any worse? 

“Everyone, this is my girlfriend Jen. We met this summer.” For some reason she felt the need to add just how long they’d been together. Not long. Why are you such an ass? Jen was so nice.

“Hi everyone!.” She pulled Catra closer. “Is this the long lost bestie you were talking about?” 

“Yeah, I’m Adora. I’ve known Catra since she was six.” the mischief had faded from her eyes but she was still genuinely smiling. 

No one said anything. 

“So uh..what did I interrupt.” Her hands trailed softly up and down Catra’s arms. 

“Oh.” Glimmer blinked. “Uh, well , we were just talking about how Adora hasn’t been laid in a while and Catra said she had no game.” Adora laughed, and a bit of the tension that had been building melted away. 

“Well Catra and I are going out with some friends this Friday if you’d like to try your luck there. You’re all welcome to join us I’m sure.” The grass beneath her bare feet was very interesting. She couldn’t bring herself to look up. “It is a gay bar though, If that’s your scene.” 

“It most certainly is.” Adora replied with an all too chipper tone. 

Fucking fantastic Catra thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The letters have begun! Most chapters from now on will start with one of Adora's letters. The perspectives will not alternate chapter by chapter, but rather who's perspective I deem most important in chapter/moment. I plan on this being a long fic, with a lot of focus on Adora's mental health. Hope you enjoyed it! Why do the chapters look so much longer when I write them in word?


	5. I warned you didn't I Princess?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow and Glimmer talk about the dinner and a show they just received thanks to Adora. Her mind brings back unpleasant memories and she tries something new.

Hey Catra,

You really are stubborn aren’t you. Three weeks and you really haven’t messaged me back yet? This is my fourth letter I’ve written for you with no address to send it to. Mom’s been trying to get a hold of you too. She’s worried about you, she has been since you left that night. She thinks of you as her own daughter you know. I’m not writing this to make you feel guilty. I know you, I know that a lot of times you don’t think you deserve love. We love you, Mom really loves you. She misses you a lot. She actually stopped by Sharron’s house last week. That awful creature was wasted as per usual. She just had to make sure you weren’t there. Mom is gonna try and talk to someone at Brightmoon soon, see if she can find you. When she does ( and you bet your ass she will) you’re gonna be flooded with my letters. 

We got the news today that we are going to be deployed soon. Afghanistan. Can you believe it? Did you know that there are spiders there the size of rats? Camel spiders. Could you imagine having something like that in Washington? You’d never leave the house. 

I’m nervous. I have the training. I can’t be a medic in the Marines but I got my CLS training done. Combat Life Saver. If Dad hadn’t been a Marine I’d definitely would have joined the Navy to be a Corpsman. Our Corpsman is pretty dang cool. Mara answers all my questions. I want to learn so much from her. I have a knack for medical knowledge I think. 

Before we leave me and some of the platoon are going out for one a hoora. They know a bar that doesn’t ID soldiers. Could I get in trouble? Yes, but it feels important somehow. 

I’ve said this in every letter but I miss you so much Kit-Cat. I often wake up with my pillow between my arms. I dream about holding you again. 

When you get this text me! I’m not going to give up. I know you’re going to break soon. We’re too important for that. 

By the way… when did we stop saying I love you to each other? 13? 14? Why did we do that? I’m not sure why I did, but I really want to say it now so...

Love you with every fiber of my being. 

Adora.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  
  


“Well...” Glimmer sat on the love seat across from her. Adora free’d an eye from the couch cushion to look her way. She took up the whole couch laying face down. “When you said Catra was going to join us I really wasn’t expecting dinner and a show.” She re-buried her head into the cushion. “I don’t know what came over me okay, I wasn’t planning that.” Bow entered the living room and plopped himself down on Adora’s back. 

“Oh are we talking about how Adora went from… not zero like.. fourty to a hundred real fast there?” 

“Bow, you know I have a bad back.” He wiggled. “You’re an ass and no I did not. You however Glimmer sometimes don’t know when to shut up.” 

“Yeah, that might have been a bit much but I had to do something. You both were driving us insane.” 

“She was there for like what?” Just how long had they hung out today? “Two hours, three tops. We were all studying and chatting. What's wrong with that?” 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Glimmer propped her feet up on the coffee table and crossed her arms. “Every moment she wasn’t looking at you, you were staring at her Adora.” She placed the pillow over the back of her head. “And when she caught you looking you’d look away and then she’d stare.’” Catra was staring at her too? Was it the scars? They were kind of hard to miss, and all over her body. Her heart was arguing with her mind, it knew exactly why Catra would be staring at her. 

“Yeah okay, but like, we haven’t seen each other in years.” It also didn’t hurt that Catra was just so nice to look at. She wouldn’t deny that she was in love with Catra in highschool, that she held onto that love to ground her overseas but as years grew it simply became the idea of her. How she imagined she became. Now Catra was real, her most important person, extremely attractive, a bit nicer, a voice that stoked a fire in her… okay yeah. She was still in love with Catra. It was still more complicated than that though. She just wanted her in her life, even if it was just as a friend. 

“Okay then explain you practically pinning her against the tree. It looked like you were going to eat her.” 

Adora groaned. At first she just went over to make sure she was okay but when she saw the blush on Catra’s face a different part of her brain just sort of took over. The part of her brain that fired up whenever she saw a pretty girl she wanted to go home with her. She’d never seen Catra blush that much ever. Every single freckle stood against the heat radiating from her skin. Adora had never made the brunette speechless before. 

“Do I need to show you the video evidence?” She whipped her head around.

“Excuse me? You recorded that!” What the hell Glimmer? Why? What is wrong with you?

“Because when I saw it starting I knew you were going to try to play it off as platonic later and I’d rather not have this conversation multiple times.” 

“My girl is so smart.” Bow said with a grin, starting to lightly bounce his weight on Adora. 

“Fine! Fine!.” She turned her body and Bow slid off into a step, joining his girlfriend on the couch. “I’m wildly, insanely, attracted to her. I have been since ..I don't know something changed. I thought your self control was supposed to get better with age not worse. I shouldn’t have done those things. It doesn’t matter anyway she’s dating Jen.” 

Bow and Glimmer nodded, looking at each other and back her. 

“Yeah the girlfriend. Doesn’t look like anyone at all right babe?”

“No, not anyone I can think of anyway. Actually..come to think of it, Adora have you looked in a mirror lately?” She wasn’t blind. Of course she noticed. It didn’t matter though, they were dating. It takes more than looks to date. More than likely she wasn’t as broken as Adora was either. Her brain was like a floor after the bull in a china shop. No matter how much sweeping you did, glass would dig into your skin eventually. It’s not like she was ready for more than one night stands anyway. Most nights she still woke up drenched in sweat, panicked, sometimes screaming. Bow didn’t, thankfully. 

  
  


She didn’t respond to them, just shrugged. 

“Your taste in women makes a lot more sense now too.” Glimmer nodded at Bow with vehement agreement. 

“Okay now you’ve definitely lost me. None of my.. Almost none of my hook ups have looked like Catra.” Bow laughed in response. 

“I’m not talking looks.” he gave her an apologetic smile for his incoming critique of Adora’s love life. “The first time you slept with a woman, remember, before we left the states.”

Adora’s first time, period. She was blushing at the memory. Sweet, innocent young Adora had no idea what she was in for that night.

“Yeah, all the way from her, to like anyone I’ve seen you go after are really rough with you. Not in an alarming way but like the more mean and physical they are the more you..” Her face was beat read as she removed herself from the couch.

“Wow Bow, you know what, I’m done with this conversation. Glimmer you too. I love you both and I’m leaving. I’m going to go on a run and then we aren’t going to talk about this again.” She paused and looked back when she reached the bedroom to change. “Hey, Glim, there’s nothing I can do to get you to delete that video, is there?” She shook her head. Thought so.

  
  
  


Dirt and sand exploded around her, ear ringing She was so hot, sweat dripped into eyes as she pinned herself to the ground, dirt and sand clung to her bare arms. Where was her uniform? Where was her squad? The carbine that should have been in her hands was the middle of the crater the mortar had created, hot metal gleaming in the sun. 

She didn’t have a helmet on but she needed her gun. Adora tried to see where the bullets were ripping from and peaked her head from behind the rock, there was nothing reflective nearby to use instead. Nothing, there was just empty desert and the sound of gunfire all around her. “BOW!” She screamed. “BOW!” there was nothing. 

“MEDIC” someone shouted from.. Where, where? She saw corpsman Mara sprinting across the horizon toward where the sound was supposedly coming from. She was so far away. Whistling noises buzzed through the air and pressed herself against the ground again, covering her head as best as she could. 

When the ringing stopped her eyes desperately searched for the Corpsman, she was laying down, not moving. 

Her legs felt so heavy as she ran, never seeming to get closer. Bare feet leaving blood with each step, her knees screamed, all the muscles in her body were twitching. Tears streamed down her face indiscernible from the sweat that mixed with the caked dirt all over her body. She was filthy and exposing herself to fire but she had to get to her. 

She managed to finally get closer and fell to her knees beside the woman. She was still alive, still breathing. Adora’s hands were shaking and suddenly had a bundle of fabric in them. She pressed them into the blood seeping from Mara’s stomach. 

“You’re… you’re going to be okay, you’re going to be okay Mara, stay with me. Help will be here soon.” The fabric was already soaked, and her hands started to absorb the blood instead.Red creeped up her fingertips and made its way up her arms. With a shaking hand Mara undid the chin strap of her helmet pulled it off, placing it on Adora’s head. 

“You need this more than me now. She-ra.” Adora shook her head. That stupid nick name her platoon had given her. Mara cupped her face “I’m so proud of you, you’re going to be a great doctor.” No no no no she begged, pressing harder into the wound, harder than she should have. 

Mara was gone and now she was kneeling beneath the tree on the campus green. There was no noise. She was still covered in blood and dirt and sweat. Catra was staring at her, eyes void of any color, and ran over her body with pity. 

“I warned you, didn't I Princess?” 

Maybe I should consider filling that prescription for Prazosin that Hope had given me. She thought in a moment of clarity before wretching into the toilet again. She didn’t want to have to rely on medication but the nightmares had been steadily getting worse this past week and half. Surely it would die down soon though right?

There was a gentle knock on the door. 

“You okay.” Bow said softly. He wasn’t really asking, he knew, but he was extending a ear for her if she wanted. 

She was silent while she flushed the toilet and started the shower. 

“Mara.” 

“Yeah. Hmmm. Yeah.” 

“I’ll be out soon, thanks Bow.” She stepped under the hot water and scrubbed the invisible blood and dirt from her body. 

  
  


This is not how her Friday was supposed to start. After about two hundred pushups, sixty pull ups, a three mile run and a shower she was starting to feel more grounded. When her body was tired it was so much easier not to think. She overdid it a little but not too much. She spaced the exercises out, so they were sets instead. Like hell she wasn’t going to go out tonight. It was her first chance to spend an entire evening with Catra. Even if that included Catra’s girlfriend. She wanted to get to know the woman who had caught her best friends eye. Would it hurt? Maybe? But for someone you loved it could feel good to hurt. 

Adora itched to keep going running again but maybe she could do something else. What was it that her therapist had told her? Unplanned. 

“Glimmer!” Adora bounced up behind her roommate. She grabbed her shoulders and gently rocked them back and forth. “I want to get a new outfit for tonight. You wanna go shopping?” 

“Oh thank god. I was worried you were going to show up in sweats and t-shirt.” 

“Hey! I own other clothes.” 

  
  


They walked for a while, finding nearby shops. Riding in a car was probably out of the question today, hopefully where they were going tonight wasn’t too far away. An hour or so later she had acquired what was sure to be a killer get up for the night.Low rise tight black jeans that actually had pockets in them. Defining feature being revealing lace up sides that showed just a little bit of skin. That and as Glimmer unashamedly pointed out, her ass looked great in them. A sky blue top that had far too many straps and ended at the midriff making an imagination unnecessary as far as her abs were concerned. It showed one of her larger scars though, but she tried to ignore that. 

The black jacket, cropped just a little lower than the tank, almost didn’t happen. Someone from the store found an XXL from the stockroom. None of the other sizes fit over her shoulders. 

Glimmer was going on as they walked home about how there was no Catra could keep her hands off her tonight with that outfit. Adora kept insisting that wasn’t the point and that this was for her. Adora was doing something for Adora for once. They were about halfway home when a sign caught her eye. Walk Ins Welcome. A woman with an undercut and swooping black hair walked out. She looked powerful, powerful and hot. 

“Glimmer, would you mind waiting with me for a little while longer?” Even if she didn’t want to there was no way that Glimmer could have said no to the excitement in those big blue eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a slut for symbolism. Feed back welcome! Fyi I edit mistakes after its been posted for a while so i can actually see them. I don't have anyone proof reading.


	6. Show Me Your Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one thing you should never do, is give Adora a challenge you can't win.

Catra,

The likelihood of me actually sending this letter is very low. While I still don't have your address I doubt this one will be heading your way anway. I want to tell you, but also not? So we went out last night, that ho-ra before we go I was telling you about.

There was this woman there, Holly, about mid twenties and she could just not take her eyes off me. She bought me drinks, ( I wasn’t drunk fyi) food, and we flirted. I flirted! I was kind of done for when she pinned me against the wall and kissed me.

We went to her apartment and uh, we had sex. I was so nervous and I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing but she did things to me that I didn’t have the imagination for. I’m an adult right? This shouldn’t be so hard to talk about! I don’t know if I can get used to it, even if some of the guys here have foul mouths. 

At least now if I die now I have another experience under my belt… literally. 

Endllessly Embarassed,

Adora. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  


Catra’s foot wouldn’t stop bouncing on the wrung under her chair. She kept fiddling with the suspenders she wore over her shirt. When they were getting ready Catra could decide what to wear. She wasn’t feeling particularly fem today. She wore what she called her clubbing ‘suit’. Tight black dress pants with a white dress shirt, black bow tie at the top hanging loose, sleeves rolled up, hair slicked back, blood red wing-tip shoes. Most of the girls she’d dated loved it and It was her go to when she couldn't decide what to wear. The suspenders though might have been a mistake tonight. She was nervous and her constant fiddling made it obvious. 

“You okay Wildcat?” Scorpia set her drink down, eyes searching for answers in Catra’s face. 

“You are being really fidgety babe. Whats up?” Jen leaned in and planted a kiss on her cheek. It only made Catra feel worse. Guilt bubbling up inside of her joining the already churning emotions stirring in her stomach. “You look nervous.” 

Very much so. Catra hadn’t seen Adora since the day at the quad. The first time they talked in person it was a mixture of relief and pain. Both left that day emotionally exhausted. Ever sense Adora had come on to her so strongly a few days ago though it's all she could think about. It was worse than when she was a teenager. It felt different too. There had always been a level of sexual tension between them, an unspoken want that radiadiated off of Catra. Not Adora though. The level of confidence that woman showed under the tree had left her momentarily speechless. It was so new, not bad, well it was bad for Catra. Once she got over being embarrassed her mind had been filled with very not safe for work thoughts.

Yesterday she was doing dishes and the image of Adora’s face scrunched in orgasim popped into her mind. She felt those toned muscles she momentarily straddled all over again and let out a soft moan. Thankfully no one was home but it still pissed her off. Adora better not act like that again tonight. She really had no idea how tonight was going to play out. 

Should she break it off with Jen? What kind of person would end things immediately just because someone she used to be in love with in high school showed up out of the blue? Not to mention how would that look to Adora. Oh Hi you’re back, let me just dump my girlfriend that I’m actually pretty fond of this time around so I can maybe get with you not even a month after we reconnected. 

No she would see how tonight went. There was also the possibility that Adora was just fucking with her in a new way. She teased her constantly growing up, just not quite like that. 

“I’m not nervous.” She snapped. They both winced. “Sorry, I’m just… worried.” Catra opened up her phone. “They live near campus and should’ve been here by now.” 

Idiot Demon: We are on our way! 

Hey, it's been like 40 minutes is everything okay?

Idiot Demon: Yeah, almost there actually. Sorry, we walked. I probably should have mentioned.

Really? We could have just picked you all up if you didn’t have a ride.

Idiot Demon: I prefer walking.

Perfuma rejoined them with her hands full of drinks. 

“Auu, thanks honey.” Scorpia helped her pass them around. “I would’ve helped you.” 

“I know you would have but I thought your presence was more needed here.” She glanced at Catra and smiled, handing her a new whiskey coke. No, what’s needed is to stop pointing out how anxious she was. “I’m so excited to see Glimmer again, wonderful girl. She’s doing much better now that her boyfriend is home.” 

“Oh yeah.” Scorpia added. “I forgot, I met her once before too. I guess this Adora Catra has been beaming over was deployed with her boyfriend?”

Catra cleared her throat and didn’t try to hide the glare. Jen shifted uncomfortably in her seat, leaning away from her away from Catra. Shit. She had to do something. Wrapping her arm around Jen’s waist she went to pull her into a kiss when she saw the door open across the room. The Dance floor was lower than the rest of the club so it was easy to spot Glimmer over the sea of bodies as she walked in. Lavender scoop neck with short sparkly black skirt. Yellow crop top and tight white pants came in after. Bow. She waited for a long blonde ponytail to swoosh in but someone else did instead. Wait

Her eyes went wide with her mouth hung when she realized. Jen waited expectantly for a kiss she never received. Catra slid from her seat. 

“I’m going to go bring them over.” She couldn’t take her eyes off of Adora and didn’t notice when Perfuma and Scorpia looked down at the table uncomfortably, taking long sips from their straws.

Adora gave her a wide grin and blushed, hand running threw her new hair when she noticed Catra walking toward them. The back and sides were tapered up to the crown, where her thick blonde hair was about as long as Catra’s, scooped to the side. 

“Umm…” She tried to speak. 

“You like it?” Adora shifted uncomfortably. She took a deep breath. 

“You’re…. Its.. uh..” Catra blinked a few times. “ Yes, you look amazing.” She did, and it wasn’t just the hair. The way her jeans hugged her muscular thighs and rested astoundingly low, giving full view of Adora’s defined abs. She followed the lines of her stomach, each dip pointing her gaze more south. She was staring. “Glimmer, Bow, Hey. Um lets get you all drinks and I’ll take you to our table. Perfuma is excited to see you again by the way.” 

“Oh I see them.” Glimmer said waving to the other side of the room. “I think Bow and I will just head over there. Adora could you get our usual?” Before either could respond she left after not so subtly winking at the blonde. 

They walked over to the bar. Catra had a hard time looking away from Adora’s .. well everything.

“Another drink already Catra?” The woman with long blue hair and dark skin eyed her wearily. “No fights tonight.” 

“No uh, Mermista.” She gestured toward her current company. “This is Adora.” Mermista’s eyes went wide. She was actually the only one of her friends that had heard about Adora before she showed up weeks ago. It was her freshman year and they were both buzzed, making out. Catra killed the mood between them because she couldn’t stop seething about the idiot who she was in love with that joined the military. The one who wouldn’t stop texting her. 

They shook hands. 

“So what can I get you tonight?” 

“Uh, whiskey coke for me...” Amazing, how can you be so perfect? “... and uh, I want to pick up the bill for our whole table.” Catra grabbed the hand holding the debit card. 

“Um excuse me. That’s a lot of money.” Adora shrugged. 

“I can afford it.” 

“Look you don’t have to do that Adora. My friends wil...” 

“Really, I can afford it Catra.” She cut her off. “ We can talk about it later if you want but really it's no big deal.” Was she trying to impress her? With money? Since when had Catra cared about that. She wasn’t about to let Adora drain her bank account for a night out. 

“Fine.” It wasn’t and she needed help to stop this. Mermista wouldn’t listen to her, she took the card. 

“Are you going to help me or..” 

They brought the drinks back to the table and introduced everyone. Scorpia of course stood up and gave her a hug. She should keep her distracted for a few minutes.. 

“Hey… I have to go talk for a sec, don’t follow me outside okay.” She whispered in Jen’s ear. 

“I’m going to go outside for a smoke, if someone wants to keep me company.” Catra stared at Bow and Glimmer who thankfully got the message. 

“Yeah, I’ll join you.” Bow chimed in. Glimmer pointed a finger at Adora and mouthed what she thinks was. “I’ll keep her distracted.” 

Catra barely had the cigarette in her mouth before she started in on Bow. 

“She just told the bartender that she was paying for the whole table! All night”! She expected some sort of horrified expression from Bow but he just sighed. 

“Look, uh..” He didn’t know where to begin. “Today was the first time I ever really seen her splurge on herself. She won’t even let Glimmer and I pay our full share of the rent, we argued about it for weeks.” Catra’s eyes went wide in surprise.This was California, rent wasn’t cheap. Most of Catra’s scholarship and art sales went to her portion of the rent. “I know it’s alarming but she actually spent money on herself today so don’t press her too hard about it. If you’re worried don't be. She can afford it.” 

So Adora was loaded now. That was weird. It didn’t really change how she felt about her but at least she wasn’t going to go home with an empty bank account. 

“So why doesn’t she spend money on herself?” Catra was confused. Bow rubbed the back of his neck, obviously uncomfortable. 

“She never really bought anything when we were enlisted. When we’d come home she’d just stay on base. She feels guilty about it. She uh… considers it blood money.” 

Catra slowly put her smoke out in the ashtray. This conversation was a mistake. She felt like she peeped at something she wasn’t supposed too. A knot grew in her stomach, trying to imagine how the woman she grew up with felt if she called it blood money. It sounded like something Catra had said to her when they were kids. In fact she was sure she called it that in one of their arguments when they were in their teens. 

Bow put his hands on her shoulders, drawing her attention. 

“Please don’t say anything okay. She’s so happy to be able to spend time with you tonight, meet your friends.” Catra nodded. “Plus... “ he smirked at her. “She’s fucking hot as hell tonight right?” He winked and walked back inside, not seeing Catra blush and flip him off. Adora’s friends were alright, she decided.

  
  


Scorpia was definitely the sweetest person she had ever met and her girlfriend Perfuma was extremely observant and insightful. Filling in for Scorpia when she didn’t quite understand something. Jen, seemed nice too, if a little reluctant to talk to her. 

These were really Catra’s friends? It made her heart swell to know that after she had left her behind that she found people who genuinely cared for her. For so long it was just the two of them, Adora was the only person in school she hadn’t pushed away. Most of her anger issues had softened by the time they were in their senior year. They weren’t her fault, but rather Catra’s mothers. The void of concern that she carried for so long disappeared and she couldn’t be happier. 

Catra reappeared at the table sitting across from her and next to Jen. Those blue and honey brown eyes fixed on hers, dipped down to her chest and back up. Adora grinned. No, no, she was going to play nice tonight. Shower her with compliments maybe, but that's what she did with all her friends. That outfit did suit her nicely. Catra had worn a suit when they went to prom together, tie un-done in the exact same way. Now though Adora was able to appreciate her in a more… mature way. 

“We’re’d you disappear too?” 

“Just went out for a smoke.” Adora rolled her eyes. Of course she smoked. Had to be a delinquent in some way. “So what did I miss?” 

“I was just telling your friends about the time you threw a brick at me.” She tapped on the scar on her chin. The only one that she didn’t mind talking about. Catra threw her arms up, huffing.

“I was ten okay. I had issues. You were the only one stupid enought to be my friend back then.” She visibly softened and gave her a dopey smile that Adora hadn’t seen before. It made her heart beat a little faster. “So what am I going to be the hot topic tonight?” 

“Damn right you are.” 

“Did you know that Adorka used to be a huge horse girl? Posters everywhere. Model horses, the whole nine yards.” That was fair.

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was jealousy, but Jen was really starting to piss her off. Any time they got close she would kiss Catra, wrap her arms around her, touch her in anyway possible. Look she got it, really. She was fully aware of how they were looking at each other but Catra had come here with Jen, not her. 

Her and Catra had been dancing, one of their favorite songs from highschool came on. They were close, but enough room between them to be acceptable. “So she calls you Catrina? You hate that name.” Catra nudged her playfully. 

“I’ve changed you know.” 

“Yeah but I know you secretly still hate it Kit-cat.” They had to lean in each time to talk because the music was so loud. As soon as the song ended and the next one started, there she was, all over Catra. 

“Didn’t you have a goal tonight Adora?” Jen said with a laugh. “Go get some girl, you sure are hot enough, right Catra?”

Catra let out a shaky, “Yea.” as her girlfriend pawed on her. 

Years of repressed feeling roared inside her. It told her to show her teeth, to fight. Adora didn’t need to have Catra to herself, she just wanted to spend time with her which Jen was making impossible. She smiled, wide and as her heart rate rose. Adora set her eyes on Catra who’s eyes grew wide as they looked into hers.Challenge accepted. It’s so on bitch. 

  
  


“What exactly did you say to her?!” Catra yelled over the music to Jen as Adora walked away. She didn’t like the look in the woman’s eyes before she walked away. It was the same expression she’d get when Catra challenged her to something. It was always that look that let her know the race was on. Who could eat the most cereal in one sitting. Who could beat who in a wrestling match. Who could run to school the fastest. Who could get the teacher to go on a rant about an unrelated topic until the bell rang. 

“I just gave her some encouragement. She came to get laid right?” Oh no. About an hour into their night here Catra already knew that she was going to have to break up with Jen. It wasn’t because of how she was acting either, she lost Catra and she knew it. She just didn’t want to do it tonight. Catra wasn’t ready to act on her feelings with Adora yet either. Things were still too new, old but new. It was weird and she needed time to think about it. When she was younger she just acted on impulses, most of them anyway. That’s how she hurt both of them. Catra had been trying to placate her, to well, lie. Jen was nice, and she wanted to talk to her when they weren’t half way to drunk. After her first break up she vowed to do her best to end things nicely. She had been mean, really mean. It made her feel guilty and she had enough of that in her life already. Three and half years worth. 

  
  


After the song ended she tried to leave to find her, but Jen pulled her back into another dance. Catra was starting to get nervous. Had she left? Catra scanned the meshing of bodies under the blue and green light of the dancefloor for her. Nothing. Just as she was about to go look for her she saw a flush face staring at her from their otherwise empty table. Adora looked at her just long enough to see if she was noticed. There were two new empty shot glasses and a new mix drink. That explained the flush.

Adora stirred her drink with a finger, slowly sliding it between her lips to clean it off. Catra stopped dancing for a moment, unable to hide the interest in her eyes as she imagined what her mouth felt like. The blonde sipped from her straw and locked eyes with her, smirk growing larger by the second. Fuck you. Catra glared which only seemed to make her happier. Why was she being pulled into this? Just don’t look at her. “You wish” she mouthed moved to the other side her soon to be ex girlfriend, resting her hands on her hips, pushing them close. Catra felt like an asshole but Jen wanted attention right?

Not even twenty minutes ago Catra wanted to kiss Adora, to feel her body against hers. It was so hard to not reach out and re-discover what her body felt like in her arms. Now she wanted to avoid her like the plague. She couldn’t let her win. It felt like a game and Catra didn’t know what the rules were. Catra looked over shoulder to see if she was still there. She wasn’t. 

A few minutes later Catra spotted her leaned over, talking to a table. The group there, mostly women and a couple of men. Were smiling and nodding at whatever she was saying, then she pointed at Catra and they all looked toward her. She snapped her attention back to the girl in front of her. What has she up to? 

The song changed and she saw Adora leading two of the women from the table onto the dance floor. She fucking recruited people? She was too drunk for this. She didn’t know if she could handle this sober. The woman she longed after for years was sandwiched between two beautiful brunettes, one in a tight red dress, the other wore a dress shirt tucked loosely into a pair of grey jeans. Adora wasn’t looking at her any more, she was focused on the two dancing with her. She whispered something in the dress wearers ear and she nodded enthusiastically. Adora’s hand roamed up and the outside of her legs 

Not long after she spun around and whispered into white shirt's ear. They kissed, slow, fingers running through each other's hair. Ouch. The lump in her throat hurt. She wasn’t.. mad? Wasn’t she kissing Jen all night anyway? It felt like part of this game Adora started without her, and she came here to do that anyway right? It still hurt though and she desperately wanted to trade places. She was too drunk for this. You win.

“Good bye Catra.” A whisper came to her ear. She closed her eyes and nodded. Catra had stopped dancing three minutes before and had been staring, and it was a choice too. 

“I’m sorry Jen. I was hoping to tell you in a few days, actually talk about it.” She opened her eyes and thankfully she wasn’t as pissed as she thought she was going to be. 

“I’m sorry too, for how I acted.” and then she was gone. See? She was nice.

\--------------

Adora pulled away, it had been so long since she’d kissed someone and it felt nice. Strangers were safe, she didn’t have to hide anything from them. Once the music changed Adora finally looked to see if Catra was watching but she was gone. She stepped to the side and began looking for her. She was sitting at a table with her head in her arms. Oh no, I went too far. Fucking with Catra came so easily to her. Fuck. 

Adora sat down on the other side of her. Scorpia and Glimmer were walking back to the table. Glimmer saw the look on Adora’s face and turned them around. 

“She dumped me.” Catra didn’t lift her head. 

She felt all the liquid she drank that night rise to her throat. Why, why did she do that? Why did she let Jen get under her skin. 

“Catra, I’m sorry.” 

“You’re scary you know that?” Scary. Scary? She ruined it. This is exactly what she was afraid of. Catra’s hand grabbed hers on the table and she started laughing. Adora was ready to beg for forgiveness, ready to run and Catra was laughing? 

“Jen was being a piece of shit for a while. She apologized by the way.” Catra looked up and saw how stunned and upset Adora was. “No, no. This isn’t your fault.” Adora heard that sweet cackling laughter she missed so much. It’s a laugh that only came out when she was making fun of Adora.

“Uh.. we are both really drunk.” All four hands were now in the middle of the table, fingers intertwined. 

“How about..” Catra started, smiling the most she’d seen her do these last two weeks, lips spread wide, all teeth. “Tonight we dance, and we hang out some more, have a good time and pick this game up another time?” 

Adora’s heart thrummed, she stood tall in her chair and leaned forward. 

“I think that sounds fantastic.” 

And so they danced, a little closer this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jfc im exhausted. I worked so hard on this chapter. Sorry if there are typo's. I've been writing this fic since I woke up. Let me know what you think.


	7. Choose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter, the next one might be also. I had originally planned them together but I like the energy of this one by its self. I got cavities writing this and it made me feel very sleepy.

Catra,

At night here the stars are so beautiful. When I’m on watch I often find myself staring at them. They fill me with awe. I catch myself wondering if you are looking at them too, but then I remember that would be impossible. We are so far apart that our days and nights are different.

I’ve given up on you texting me back. I’m not going to stop though. I know you don’t make friends easy and I want you to always know someone is thinking about you. You’re also not at Brightmoon. That little check mark that means seen is all I have of you now. My single thread that tells me you’re alive out there somewhere. 

It’s been quiet here so far. Some platoons can go a full deployment without seeing any action. Everyone is bored out of their minds but that also means momentary peace. The way some of CO’s talk about the people who live in this beautiful country makes me sick. I’m starting to think I’ve made a mistake. Its best not to think about it though because it's not like there's anything I can do about it. I’m government property until my three years are up. 

This really fucking sucks Catra. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The last thing Adora remembered was fighting with Catra to drink water. She kept saying. “Go away, let me sleep.” In different variations of expletives, not doing well in hiding her smile about being fussed over. She eventually relented. The reason why Catra was on her couch was a little blurry. Something to do with no keys, and Perfuma and Scorpia were probably asleep by the time they left. It was around two am when they started their walk home and they had gotten here around four? Why did it take two hours to walk home? The last two rounds of shots between the both of them before they left was probably why things were blurry. She didn’t tell Catra but as the night was winding down her’s was half water. She had tried to match her drink for drink after Jen left. Bad idea. That was one thing they couldn’t be competitive about. Adora would have to make it up to Bow and Glimmer for babysitting the both of them. 

A little rose of color was starting to show through the window, letting just enough light to see her chest slowly rise and fall with each breath. Black lace bra was hanging on the back of the couch. She had one arm resting above her head, the other across her stomach. The shallow light kissed her skin where she had partially undone the white dress shirt. Adora wasn’t gazing at her like she had the night before. Hungry, wanting, needing. Catra was just simply beautiful. 

It had been so long since she’d woken up and heard that gentle breathing. That peaceful face had been a morning ritual. Catra was always so expressive, always thinking, assessing. She didn’t have to wonder what was on her mind, Catra was just there. 

_ For how long do you think? She’ll be assessing you. Murderer _

Adora didn’t think this would be so easy, that they could click again so quickly. Why wouldn’t they though? Yes they were different. Yes there was more there now, something neither of them could ignore. They had spent thirteen years together. Three years shouldn’t change that.

_ She wouldn’t come near you if she knew the things you’ve done. _

She was more than a little embarrassed about how she acted last night. It wasn’t exactly out of character for her but rather who it was directed at. It was an R rated version of how Catra used to treat her when they were younger. Look at me. Play with me. Be with me. Choose me. As they got older it softened. Catra learned that Adora wasn’t going to leave her.

_ But you did leave her. You left her and everything she ever told you about the military was right. _

Happy memories of them kept her sane on long watch shifts. Most were uneventful. She took charge of her post, and all government property in view, and thought about Catra. 

She hadn’t truly been happy since their graduation party, at least with the help of hindsight. Adora didn’t want to need her, Catra wasn’t some pill. She could choose happiness though right?

_ The people of Farah could’ve chosen happiness if you had gotten the coordinates right. _

It felt good to get a new outfit. To get a haircut. She’d never had short hair before. 

_ Sponsored by your late mother and how many other children’s parents, parents children. _

She was going to choose happiness. She wanted to make her happy. 

She wasn’t going to let her intrusive thoughts keep her from trying. If Catra did end up disgusted by her?

_ Validation. _

It was time to go on a run.

Adora sat up from her makeshift bed on the floor in the living room. Her eyes searched for everything she’d need from in here. It was hard to see still and she didn’t want to turn on the light or bump into anything and wake Catra. Things had moved around, like the coffee table, in order for her to sleep near the couch comfortably.

“What are.. “ Catra said softly, yawning and stretching on the couch. “..you doing on the..” she yawned again. “..on the floor.” 

“You uh, said you were nauseous before you fell asleep.” Adora laid back down onto her pillow. “I didn’t want you to aspirate if you got sick.” 

“Really?” Catra sat up a little. The eyeroll was no surprise. “You should've just gone to your bed dork.” She was upright now, eyes scanning the room around her. “My head doesn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would.” 

“That’s what happens when you listen to an expert.” Adora pointed at herself. “ Four to eight glasses of water before bed and you’re right as rain.” Not one hundred percent, but at least no throbbing headache. 

“You got to get into Pj’s but not me. What kind of host are you?” They were both still using hushed tones trying not to wake Glimmer and Bow who probably would sleep till noon. Adora muffled a laugh in her hand before she responded. 

“I actually offered you a shirt and sweats or whatever you wanted to wear.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, you said I was just trying to get you naked.” It was Catra’s turn to hold in sleepy laughter. 

“Well, it sure seemed like it last night.” Adora’s mouth hung open, trying to find the words. A blush came instead and she turned away. Fabric rustled behind her.

“I’m sorry about Jen.” She was actually. It had been her every intention to be a supportive friend. Mostly jealousy, and a little bit of alcohol took over. She wasn’t used to vying for Catra’s attention.

“It wasn’t serious.” Catra’s voice was closer now, level with hers. Adora rolled back over and they both stared at each other under their sleep mussed hair. “We were busy with the start of classes for the first two weeks.” She scooted a little closer and rested a hand on her arm. “Then I practically ignored her texts for a week while I was... “ Catra frowned a little. “ Was taking some me time. Then when I did finally see her again, all I could talk about was us. Things we used to do together.” 

Adora lifted her arm in invitation. She knew what Catra wanted, she wanted it too. It was almost painful how hard her heart had pounded when she nestled her back against her. Catra rested her head on Adora’s arm, she grabbed the blondes other hand and pressed it to her chest. She didn’t know that love, not heartache, could leave a tightness in her chest that made it hard to breath.

“Did you tell her how we’d lay in bed for hours like this?” Adora leaned up and whispered in Catra’s ear. She turned up slightly, so their cheeks were touching. Warm. Soft.

“Yeah. I’m not a very good girlfriend.” She pulled Catra closer. There wasn’t a space left between them, their legs weaving together. 

“No wonder she was so possessive.” Adora rested her head back down on the pillow and buried her face in the smaller woman’s hair. She missed this, more than anything in the world. It took her back to a time when things were much less complicated. To a time where she had hope. There was no debating if she was worthy of this feeling back then. She wished could go back in time and tell PFC Greyskull that her Catra would be held by her again.

“What about you? Girlfriends?” Catra mumbled, drifting into sleep. Adora almost didn’t have the energy to shake her head, body more relaxed than it had been in a long time. “Good, cuz I’d have to beat em up.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter tease ( probably the only one I’ll make. Why did it take them two hours to get home? * listens to lmfaos Shots on repeat channeling Acab Anarchist energy*


	8. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glimmer and Bow get payback.

Catra,

I’ve been here for four months. We were attacked on our way to deliver supplies. It’s the first time I've been under fire. It’s a hard feeling to describe.

This is weird to write about, especially because you’ll never see these. My letters to you have become a journal. It’s easier to think I’m talking to you rather than just writing these for myself. So, a summary of why this day sucked. 

Mine, Mara and I were able to drag him out. He lived.

Mortars. So many mortars. 

Gun fire. 

I killed someone today. 

I’m so tired, 

PFC Greyskull

————————————————————  
  


Her eyes felt like they were glued shut, heavy and dry. Catra rolled over onto her stomach, growling at the hands that were rocking at her shoulders. 

“No, sleep.” The pillow was so soft and her legs were sore. 

“It’s almost 1 Kit-Cat.” 

“Who cares!” Actually she should probably get up. Her bladder was full and she really needed to go to her studio today. As much as she wanted to stay here all day, making up for lost time, it was her final year and quality work took time. Opening her eyes a little she caught two hands being placed down on each side of her head. 

“Fine then.” Adora’s breath tickled the back of her neck. Before she could react all the breath was squeezed from her as the brickhouse built woman dropped all her weight on top of her. Heat was shooting to her groin feeling Adora’s pressed against her, pinning her to the ground. Morning horny was quickly overrode as her uncomfortable need for the bathroom was becoming apparent. 

“Ugh god! Why are you so fucking heavy?” Her body shook with Adora’s laughter. “Jesus. Fine, I’ll get up. Get off me before I piss myself.” The weight shifted and Catra let out a groan as she righted herself. She could feel eyes on her as she shuffled over to grab her phone from its charger. 

“Still a grumpy cat in the morning huh?” She had five missed calls, all from Scorpia, who was probably worried about her. It was sweet more than it was annoying. Catra could take care of herself but Scorpia had been one of her first friends here. She chipped away at Catra’s standoffish lone wolf attitude for months with small acts of kindness and concern. If it wasn’t for all those little moments, she probably wouldn’t have any friends. 

“Where’s the..” 

“Second on the left.” Adora pointed to the hallway, still lazing on the ground.. She was so used to seeing the long pony tail swishing with every movement it was like she was looking at a different person. The shorter hair made her jaw look sharper which in turn made her cheeks look fuller when she smiled. Adora’s hair looked damp, she wanted to run her fingers through the strands. The blonde smirked at her stillness. 

“You’re so full of yourself.” She said with a scoff, finally walking toward the restroom. 

She sat there for a while, trying to clear the sleep from her eyes as she scrolled through her phone. Catra blinked, trying to understand what she was seeing when she opened up her photos. Most of these she remembered taking. The couples photo with Scorpia, Perfuma , Jen and her she took while they waited for the other three. She sucked her teeth. Sorry again Jen. 

Next was a selfie, Adora’s head nestled in the dip of her shoulder. Her smile is so beautiful. Someone had taken a photo of Glimmer, Bow, Adora, Mermista and her clinking their shot glasses together. This last photo though? It was a picture of Adora leaning back, her leather jacket riding up further as she straddled a black Harley Davidison. What the fuck happened after they left the bar? She’d only blacked out once before, and was usually more careful. She could knock them back but had tried to keep pace with Adora last night. Given their size difference she was surprised she wasn’t puking right now. 

The cool water felt good against her face. A travel size bottle of listerine was on the sink, she poured into her mouth and swished. A shower was sorely needed. 

Scorp: Hey! Is everything okay? You didn’t make it home last night and I’m worried. 

I’m fine. Thanks though, I’m headed home soon. 

She excited the bathroom and her phone started to buzz. Of course she’d want a call. 

“Hello.” A bedroom door was open, she figured it was Adora’s since Bow and Glimmer hadn’t emerged yet. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay Wildcat.” Curiosity got the better of her and she poked her head in. It was bare, clean. White walls with nothing on them. Adora’s bed was neatly made, each fold crisp. It's not like she expected horse and band posters all over the walls, or her bed to be the same disaster it used to be but this room was void of life and color. “It looks you had a lot of fun last night.” She spotted two picture frames on the nightstand next to an alarm clock.

“Yeah..” One was a photo of her, Adora and Emily, sitting around a Christmass tree when they were kids. “Wait, what do you mean it looks like?” The other was of a woman in a formal Navy uniform, American flag in the background. She heard noises coming from the kitchen and turned away from the room. 

“Well, when you didn’t pick up this morning I texted Glimmer and she sent me the funniest videos.” 

“What!” Her stomach growled as she walked down the hallway. “What videos?” Scorpia just laughed. “Look, I think Adora is making breakfast, I’ll be home soon.” she hung up and a hiss escaped her teeth. 

On the table was a mountain of scrambled eggs. Adora was pulling a tray of bacon out of the oven she apparently had started before waking Catra up. 

“What’s wrong?” Her blue eyes searched Catra’s face. 

“Apparently Glimmer was…” she threw her hands up. “ recording us last night.” Adora raised a hand to her forehead in exasperation. 

“Of course she did.” 

Speak of the devil. Bow and Glimmer entered the dining room. Catra was about to interrogate her but the glare the tired looking woman shot both of them silenced her. 

“Uhh.. good morning.” Adora said softly. “I made y’all breakfast. I figured I’d need to thank you for last night.” Bow placed a laptop on the table and sat, arms crossed. 

“We’ve been up for a little bit actually.” he said, tone flat and bounced his gaze between both of them. “And I think you owe us a lot more than that.” Catra helped her as she brought plates to the table and they all took their seats. 

“Oh come on, it can’t have been that bad.” Adora said. Catra was starting to get nervous. Bow and Glimmer did not look amused. She was bouncing her leg under the table as she piled food onto her plate. The pair sitting across from them were silent as they scooped up bacon and eggs. 

“How much do you remember?” Glimmer finally spoke up between bites. 

“I remember most of the night.” She chimed in, glancing over at Adora who nodded in agreement. “How we got here is a bit of blur though.” 

“Same.” 

“Oh how very convenient.” Glimmer sighed, opening her laptop and turned it to face them. “I predicted as much. This is your punishment and you’re going to sit and watch.” Her face went from hard to a sly smile, eyes eager to consume her and Adora’s embarrassment. 

She made a fucking powerpoint, both her and Adora groaned. Kill me now. 

The title page was filled with big bold letters that read. NEVER AGAIN

Glimmer and Bow took turns reading the bullets out loud.

“Highlights from the night are as follows.” 

“

  1. Baiting bikers for personal gain.
  2. Catra hates walking.
  3. Destruction of property.
  4. Lets not start fights with cops.
  5. Y’all are gross.”



Catra leaned back in her chair. Oh my god, what happened last night?

The next slide was a video that Bow eagerly started. 

_“We’ve been outside of the club for fifteen minuets now...”_ It was Glimmers voice. Adora had Catra in a headlock and they were arguing with each other about something. Little flits of their voices came through. _“I did fucking not.”_ Drunk Catra growled. _“Shut up! I’m not cute!”_ her voice was squeaking which made drunk Adora giggle even louder. 

_“..and these two animals haven’t gotten it together enough yet to let us start walking home.”_ The camera followed them as two weaved between people as they started walking down the sidewalk, Catra eventually escaping the headlock, giving the woman next to her a gentle shove. _“Thank fuck, finally”_ Bow said walking in front of the camera.

Catra looked around the table, Adora was motionless, blinking dumbly knowing this was just the beginning. 

“Wait.” Catra held her hand out to stop them from going to the next hell they had planned for them. Her expression twisted, clearly confused. “Why didn’t we just Uber home?” 

Bow’s face softened and Glimmer gave her roommate a sympathetic look. Adora’s brows were pinched. 

“Sometimes…” She started, eyes down at the table. “I have days where I just can’t get in them. They give me .. claustrophobia, I panic.” She turned away from Catra. 

Oh. When did that start? What happened to you? Her mind wanted answers but there was no way she was going to ask. Not with the tense body language Adora was giving off. Catra reached over and covered Adora’s hand with hers. 

“Okay. Walking is better anyway right?” She greeted her returned gaze with a wide smile, trying to erase the embarrassment from her love’s face. “It means I got to spend more time with you.” 

The corner of Adora’s lip rose as her eyes lit back up with life. Those pink lips looked so soft. She wished they were alone so she could kiss the rest of the tension from her face.

“Ahem.” Bow cleared his throat. “Back to the payback.” Neither of them moved their hands. 

The next slide was a photo of Adora on a motorcycle, elbow resting on her knee, one foot resting on the tank. Holy fuck she was hot. At least this explains the picture she found on her phone. 

The picture changed to both of them on the bike, Catra planted firmly in her lap, shirt very unbuttoned, fingers curled in short blonde locks. She felt the heat rise, she couldn’t bring herself to look at anyone. The next photo was worse, Catra was laying on the motorcycle, one suspender hanging loose. Her legs wrapped around Adora’s waist who in return was leaning over her, hand full of the underside of her thigh. Once again, Catra’s fingers had found their way to Adora’s head. They were both looking at the camera. 

“Just to be clear, these were your idea.” Glimmer said, looking far too pleased at their expressions. Catra hid her face behind her free hand. 

“How…why..” Adora eventually stammered out. 

Bow bounced excitedly in his chair. 

“Well, we didn’t even get two blocks after the first video when we were walking past some bikers smoking outside of a bar.” He shook out his arms, it looked like he was getting ready to put on a performance. “When you noticed Adora get excited by the bikes.” He started miming unbuttoning his shirt. 

“Excuse me…” He said in a mock sultry voice. “My friend…” He looked at Glimmer, coyly running a finger down her arm. It was hard to hear him over the sound of the laughter tumbling out of her. “Was admiring your bike.” He bat his lashes

“Jesus.” Catra stood up, pushing her plate to the side. She couldn’t believe herself. A part of her was excited to fill the void in memory but now her stomach roiled and she wasn’t sure if she should be pissed off or die right there. “Are we done?” She was pacing back and forth until strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her against the back of a chair. Adora was looking up at her smiling threw her own embarrassment. 

“Not even close.” Glimmer said after a minute had passed, Catra visibly more relaxed though still very flustered. She glared her.

“Fine.” The word didn’t have as much bite to it as she had hoped. 

A video started playing that was a compilation of Catra being carried by Adora in various ways. Most start out with a audio clip of. “ _Ugh, I hate walking.” Or “I’m tired.”_ Sometimes she jumped onto the taller woman’s back. Eventually Adora’s voice came from the speakers.

_“I think you just want me to touch you.”_ Adora was holding her bridal style, very obviously staring at exposed skin. 

_“Pffftt” *hicup* “I do not.”_

Okay, this one wasn’t nearly as bad. Her feet were pretty sore, the dress shoes she wore didn't have a lot of cushion in the bottom. 

When the next clip started playing they both leaned in, it was dark and hard to see. 

_“What are they doing.”_ it was Bow. 

She could make out their outlines, crouched in front of long green shrub, something yellow flapping in the wind. Adora lept of the ledge of green and had dropped down. She held her hands up and helped Catra down too. 

_“You guys.”_ Bow tried his best to whisper shout.

Adora moved first into darkness, she waved and Catra ran to follow her. She couldn’t see anything except the flapping dim yellow suddenly disappearing from the darkness. They were walking down the sidewalk now and Adora stuffed a bright yellow Don’t Tred On Me flag into the trashcan. 

Catra was laughing now, she couldn’t help herself, and kept stealing glances at Adora who was was smiling, face in hand, taking her in. 

“Who’s idea was that?” she managed in between raspy laughs.

“Adora’s.” Bow had his arms crossed again. “It’s not funny you scared me to death.” 

Her mind was reeling as she caught her breath. Licking her lips she just shook her head at the woman next to her. Unbelievable.

  
  


“This one was the worst.” Glimmer pressed play. “Adora had gone in to use the restroom.” 

Drunk Catra looked pissed, red and blue lights were spinning across the brick of the diner they were in front of. Bow, was holding her back, and trying to distract her. 

_“Fuck you, you fuckig pig.”_ A flashlight was shone her way. _“Yeah, just ticket a broken down car, make poor people poorer. You think you’re hot shit don’t you.”_ The elation Catra felt at the last video quickly fell into dread. Mirmista wasn’t kidding when she mentioned Catra starting fights that night. Her temper ran hot to begin with. It wasn’t like she was a mean drunk but when she saw bullshit she called it out. 

_“Is there a problem here?”_ A man’s voice called out, the light shining on Catra was getting brighter. The video was blurred as Glimmer set her phone down, presumably propped against something. Bow was shouting placations at the officer, how she was drunk, they were almost home, just waiting on someone who was using the bathroom. 

_“You’re a class traitor is the fucking problem you facisit fuck.”_

“I’m so sorry.” She looked at Bow and Glimmer, who were just smiling at her. 

“It’s fine really, just keep watching.” 

There was more shouting, more placating. The short officer was in the video now when Adora came flying out of the diner. She stepped in front of Catra who jumped to the side of her startled. 

_“What do you think you’re doing?”_ There was fire in her eyes and her voice held a command she hadn’t heard before. 

_“Your friend here is causing problems.”_ She sneered at him. 

_“My friend here has a good point and if you can’t even handle some criticism maybe you shouldn’t have a badge.”_ The cop looked pissed. _”Don’t you have some homeless people to go arrest?”_ Glimmer and Bow started dropping heavy hints that his corporal was just out to have a good time with friends she hadn’t seen in three years, that they just recently gotten home from deployment. The cop eventually eased up, Bow knew how to draw out the patriotism. He even thanked them for their service, causing the Adora on screen to wince. 

Catra’s eyes were wide, mouth hung open. Not unlike drunk Catra who Bow and Glimmer were pointing at on the screen. When Adora had finished speaking in the video Catra looked up at her, eyes wide, mouth agape. Her eyes were filled with love. Her expression changed into one like she had just seen God. 

“Seriously, that sucked. We almost didn’t show you that because we didn’t want to make you feel too bad, but your face was priceless.” 

“Plus.” Glimmer said with a shrug. “It gives the next video context.” 

Catra was trying to recover from the news that together they had almost started a fight with a cop. Bad, but also, fuck yes. She didn’t get a chance to give it much thought as the next video played. 

Oh no.

The women’s faces were uncomfortably close together, foreheads touching as they sat on a bench. 

_“That was really hot.”_ Catra said with a flush, their noses pressed together, she ran fingers down the back of her neck. 

_“You’re the hot one.”_ Adora said with a pleased hum escaping her. This time it was Adora playing with Catra’s hair. 

Catra leaned back in her chair, glancing at Adora who was having a similar reaction. 

The nuzzling continued for another minute or so, lips close to touching. Then they both leaned away, gently holding each others face. 

_“Sleep.”_ Adora whispered, and Catra nodded. 

Oh thank god. She did want that to be their first kiss. Catra had come close to slamming the laptop shut. Adora also let out a sigh of relief. 

Adora then leaned in and gave the side of drunk Catra’s face a long lick. 

_“UGH GOD! GROSS! GROW UP”_ She was shoving her hand in Adora’s face as the woman let out a long snorty laughter. 

The laptop closed. 

  
  
  


Catra was holding her chin, just nodding in silence, rocking on her feet as she stood in the hallway. Adora was leaning against the door, chewing her lip. 

“I’m going to kill your friends.” Adora let out a chuckle that brought butterflies to her stomach. 

“Yeah that was..” Her blue eyes just went wide, unable to finish the sentence. 

“So uh…” Catra wasn’t sure what to say after the longest breakfast she’d ever had. “I’m going to be at the studio pretty much all weekend. If you’d like to see it.” 

“Yeah I’d like that.” 

“Later.” She turned around, forcing one foot in front of another. She only got one step when there was tension from the back of her shirt as Adora grabbed it gently. 

Catra turned around and stepped back to where she was leaning against the door. She stood on the tips of her toes to close the distance. Strong arms wrapped around her, Adora’s hands finding purchase in the small of her back. Her fingers were shaking as they ran across the shaved velvety back and sides of Adora’s head. Uneven heavy breaths filled the silent hallway as their lips touched over and over again. Soft, warm, but they also seared against her skin. 

No amount of teenage imagining could have prepared her for how good Adora feels, how good she tastes. Pulled in tighter their kiss became more heated, greedy. Catra ran her finger tips under her jaw and Adora’s lips parted, an invitation. They were both shaking as they explored one another’s mouths, this was actually happening.

She felt Adora’s nails gently scraping the back of her neck and Catra pulled back, chest heaving. Her face was better than she ever fantasized about , cheeks flush, blue eyes filled with desire that Catra was responsible for.

Catra gave her one last chaste kiss, caressing the sides of her face as she stepped back. 

“Later” she tried to say with a cool smile that turned into a grin, leaving Adora who was speechless and unmoving against the door. 

It was hard to focus on the stairs as Catra floated down them, her heart still pounding and grinning from ear to ear. Before she could reach the door her phone buzzed. 

When did Glimmer get her number? She opened her phone to the photos of them on the motorcycle and a video. 

The video bobbed as they were walking down the sidewalk. Adora a Bow were walking ahead. Drunk Catra kept rubbing her face and balling her fist in her shirt over her heart. This happened multiple times, obviously distressed. 

_“ You alright there Catra?”_ It was Glimmers voice. 

_“Yeah”_ She replied with a whine, holding both of her hands out toward Adora. _“ I mean look at her.”_ She rubbed her face again before tucking her arms under the straps of her suspenders. _“I want to kiss her so badly but not like this.”_ Glimmer was trying not to giggle. _“It has to be perfect because she’s perfect.”_

Catra shoved her phone back in her pocket. Okay Sparkles, you get to live. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this and I didn’t want the 👮♂️ scene to be to serious. Hope you enjoyed!


	9. Sundays Are Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pfc stands for Private First Class.  
> Some smut lite in this chapter.

Catra,

I mean, those cock suckers deserved it right? They housed, joined and fed the Taliban. It's not like we could have just waited right? Did you see him go down? Oh man that building just fucking crumbled. Hahahaha

It makes me fucking sick, talking to some of the people in platoon, the words that leave my mouth so they don’t know how much I hate them. We have to have eachothers backs out here. Mara does it too.  Joking like that is better when she’s around because we just glance at each other, lie together. Bow doesn’t though, he just stays quiet, smiling, laughing. 

What if they are doing the same thing? Pretending? God I hope so.

I took their shit when they saw me puking as we walked the town. Families huddled outside of their homes, holding each other, scared. Just a nasty MRE I told them. They didn’t see the little heat bloated hand sticking out of the rubble. The little hand that it was my job to pull out and report. It had been too long to do anything anyway. Someone else can deal with it. 

You would hate me, I know I do.

PFC Greyskull

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adora sat at her desk, staring at the screen as Hope sat patiently waiting for her patient to speak. She had planned what she wanted to talk about early in the week, but now her mind was just blank. Catra had just left two hours before. A small part of her was thankful that she couldn’t stay, as much as she wanted to drag her to her bed and kiss her, touch her for hours. She really needed this appointment but didn’t want to have to tell her. Not yet anyway. Saturdays just got more complicated. 

When she had walked back into the apartment, she had just shut the door and slid down, holding her head in her hands, unable to move her legs. 

“I’m sorry if that was too much.” Glimmer had called from the kitchen. At her silence they peeked into the living room and rushed to her when they saw her position. “Hey, hey are you okay.” Adora took a deep breath and sat her hands back beside her. She was chewing her lip, the lingering taste of Catra. Her face was still beet red and couldn’t control her smile. 

“Wait..” Bow’s concern grew into a smile. “Did she…”

“Did you…?” Glimmer clenched her fists in front of her, holding in her expectant excitement. 

Adora still couldn’t break her smile to talk and just nodded. Glimmer wrapped her arms around Bow’s waist as he cheered, spinning him around. It made her laugh. 

So much has happened this week. So much had happened in the last two days. Where to start? 

“I like the hair Adora. It suits you. What prompted that?” Hope never let her hang more than a few minutes. When she first started seeing her, three weeks after they moved into this apartment, Adora had to be coaxed into talking. She had hired her, but when it actually came time to talk about what she was feeling, thinking, fear overcame her. Fear that Hope would affirm what she had longed to hear for the better part of two years. That she was disgusting, a monster, a murderer. 

“Thanks.” She couldn’t help but blush, she’d been doing that a lot lately. “I don’t know exactly. I had Glimmer go shopping for a new outfit with me…” Hope’s brows raised in surprise and gave her a look of approval. “ and when we were walking home I saw this woman leave the salon.” She paused, what exactly was it about her. “I don’t know, she looked… powerful.”

“Did this change make you feel powerful?” Adora looked at the small window on her laptop that showed her own image. For as long as she could remember it was always long blonde hair. She couldn’t recognize herself. Adora liked it, it felt new, exciting. 

“I think so, maybe? I don’t know. When I see myself in the mirror, I see a different person. Someone who isn’t me but it’s not a bad feeling. The person I see looks powerful.” Hope smiled. 

“You are powerful Adora. You can do whatever you want with yourself now. A free woman.” 

“I don’t feel like it.” There were times when she was relaxed, when she didn’t dwell, where she wasnt trapped by memories from 10,000 miles away. It was still hard to process that this was in fact the same planet. Her room, the university, Catra, exists in the same life where she hurt so many people. Let people get hurt and didn’t even try to stop it. 

“Can we talk about something else please?” 

Hope asked her a few questions about her week and she told her most of it, though it was plain to see that her therapist knew she was holding back when it came to Catra. It’s not unusual for them. With recent events she sometimes had to stew and wait until their next session. Adora did tell her about the conversation she had with herself though, about choosing to pursue happiness. It had been a common topic of conversation since they started. She had taken this long to get there because for the first time in years she felt like it was something she could actually achieve. 

“It makes sense, you’ve been reconnected with someone from a happier time. Reminded that things can in fact be okay. Are you sleeping well?” 

“Yes.” She lied. It wasn’t something she wanted to talk about right now but with this topic Hope usually didn’t let her off easy. She didn’t want to think about the dreams she’d been having. They had been progressively getting worse as the week went on, the crescendo that wrecked her yesterday morning. There were no dreams last night. Alcohol usually kept her dreams away. Talking about them right now would undoubtedly spoil her mood and she wanted to linger on that kiss more, on Catra more. 

  
  


No matter how bad her week had been, Sundays were usually good days. She and Mara would play chess on Sundays when there was time. Bow would get to video Glimmer and they would have dinner or whatever meal matched each other's times. Her three years of service ended on a Sunday. They moved into their apartment on a Sunday. Catra was at Starbucks on Sunday. Catra was in that same Starbucks the next Sunday to reconnect. Today was Sunday.

Kit-Cat: So, I do want you to come to the studio still but I’m a little nervous. I still have a lot of work to do and I’m noticing a pattern. 

Pattern?

Kit-Cat: Yes, pattern. 

After we first talked, I was looking forward to seeing you of course, but I wanted to ease into… whatever we were again. 

Okay, I felt the same Kit Cat.

Kit-Cat: Oh really? You sure?! Because on the quad it felt like you were going to DEVOUR ME.

I’m sorry. I got a little carried away. 

Kit-Cat: Anyway… after that I knew I still had feelings for you. 

Still?

Kit-Cat: Are you serious? 

But you always talked about guys in highschool.

Kit-Cat: Because you did Idiot!

Look, we can talk about this later, I’m trying to make a point.

So we go out two nights ago and I was resolved that I’m going to take things cautiously with you, and I was already debating on breaking up with Jen before we even got there.

Really?

Kit-Cat: No, I’m lying

:(

Kit-Cat: but then you seduce me, and we uh.. ran havoc on the town and ended up in our usual position. .

Ask Glimmer if you don’t believe me but I didn’t go intending to do that.

.Also, you were too easy to seduce. 

Kit-Cat: Willing Victim. 

What I’m trying to say is that I can’t stop thinking about you, and I want to spend time with you in the studio. If you want to come. You can bring homework or whatever else you want to work on if you don't have plans. Just spend time together. If you promise to behave. 

That sounds great.

Aw, you want me to come?

Kit-Cat: ADORA 

I’m teasing. 

Kit-Cat: I’m not too worried, there’s not much privacy here. If i can finish tonight maybe we can go do something. 

Finish? You’re really walking right into these Catra.

Kit-Cat: I’m never calling you a princess again. 

Promise you’ll behave. 

Hand to God. Promise.

  
  


Sunday is also a day of worship, but she didn’t believe in God.

She really did try to behave, and it was Catra who dragged her into the supply closet. It was cramped in here but she managed to detangle her free hand in time to cover Catra’s mouth as she moaned. 

“You really need to be quieter.” Adora whispered before returning her lips to her lover’s neck. She could feel Catra’s breath on her ear, shooting excitement all over her body. Judging by the desperation in which this beautiful woman’s hands were pulling at her and the shakiness in her breath Catra was close. Adora bent her fingers more and increased her speed. It wasn’t long after that she was pulled into a kiss and Catra was spasming around her. The rough kiss did a decent job at keeping the sounds she made at least somewhat muffled. Adora knew she was going to want to see her make that face again and again and again. When her mouth wasn’t open in moans she panted through clenched teeth and furrowed her brows. The fact that Catra looked angry even as pleasure rocked her body it was no wonder she loved this woman. Perfect. She’d always adored the woman’s ‘looks’. Her sneer for example, but this one was her new favorite.

“Holy fuck, wow.” Catra managed, arms wrapped and Adora’s neck for balance, knees still wobbly. She gave the top of her head gentle kisses as Catra caught her breath against her chest. 

“We’re adults you know.” She said after another fully engrossing meeting of lips.

“And…” Adora replied, not sure where she was going with this. 

“We have beds.” Catra huffed, closer to getting her breath under control. 

“ Your apartment or mine?” 

“ Yours is closer.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very excited to start revealing more plot soon, just need to get them going out and doin things. 
> 
> Adora likes em feisty  
> I think my writing is getting better? Writing with no sleep doesn’t help lol.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	10. Communion

Catra,

Remember how I said that some soldiers can go whole tours without seeing much action? Well I must just be super lucky. It's one thing after another. Three nights of nothing but mortars. Mortars, where are they getting them from? Maybe they are just make-shift but they do enough damage. Loud. It’s been a week since then and I can still hear them like they are in the distance.

We are celebrating tonight. Finally going somewhere that we can at least relax a little, it’s where I spent my first few months here. Most of the guys are still celebrating. I’m just so tired. Emotionally and well, physically. They have crowned me queen of the arm wrestling competition and I have a new nickname now apparently. Mara started it, at least they aren’t calling me She-Hulk anymore. I’m not even that built up so I don’t know how that started. 

I’ve got just under two years left and I can be done with this forever. Mara is on year 4 of 6. I can’t imagine 6 years. The last time I had leave feels like forever ago. Mom doesn’t want me to come see her next time I go. She wants me to go somewhere, travel somewhere. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe she knew I stayed awake for hours, drunk in my bed. I could see you, laying next to me, tangled in sheets. Why didn’t you smile at other people like the way you smiled at me? Everyone thought you were so mean, or always just being snarky. You have the most beautiful smile. You left so much stuff. I found some of your lipstick in my room, our room. I wear it sometimes. 

Yeah, maybe it’s best I don’t go home when I get leave next. 

I miss you,

Adora

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


The cool wall felt good against her back, easing the pleasant sting of the scratches Adora left on her back. Catra’s body felt like it might give out. Not from exhaustion, no her body hummed for more contact but rather from this wild feeling that grew inside her. It had always been there, but now it was burning hot and it felt like she was high. The other side of the room looked foggy. Dazed, she was dazed by the woman whose head rested in her lap. She had no control of her fingers as they ran through blonde hair, gentle scratches and rubs. Catra just couldn’t stop touching her.

How long had they been here now? From the moment they entered the apartment her hands were on Adora. Everything was just Adora. She was pretty sure her bag and shoes were just in the middle of the hallway. Neither of them heeded any mind to a speechless Bow who was sitting in the living room, book in hand.. Catra had one goal and it was to feel her. Her lips chased Adora’s as she backed the woman into her bedroom. 

Everything was so much better than she had ever imagined. The scent of her, the warmth of her skin, her moan, the way she shook under her hands as she flooded her mouth, it was all so intoxicating. Adora begged with hands and voice when she bit her. She loved hearing the woman moan her name and so she bit and sucked new bruises all over her chest and neck. Say my name Princess. Say it with that beautiful voice I missed so much. This new cocky Adora came undone beneath her and she savored every moment of it. 

Oh the things Adora had done to her. She closed her eyes, resting her head against the smooth white wall. It usually took quite a lot for her climax but Adora knew just where to touch her. Which was anywhere apparently. Maybe it was the years of yearning that made her body react that way. She wasn’t complaining, but surely the unique bliss of first touch would eventually fade and Adora would have to learn her secrets. There was one moment Catra was regretting. She knew that it would come up later. She had called Adora a goddess. 

“Oh God, yes. Adora, yes.” Her brain didn’t process immediately why Adora was smirking above her. That smug “I told you so” look on her face. It had only turned her on more. 

“Pattern.” She mumbled, opening her eyes to look at the beautiful woman who was placing gentle kisses on her thigh. 

Adora gave her a sweet, sleepy smile. Time for round… whatever they were at?

“So what comes next?” Adora’s fingers were ghosting up and down her leg now. 

“Well…” Catra started to laugh, thoroughly amused by herself. Adora shifted and looked up at her expectantly. “I’m..” she was cackling now. A finger poked into her stomach. 

“Out with it.” Deep breaths, she could say it all in one. Nope. Try again. She couldn’t look at her when she said it. 

“Well, I’m broke so I’m not paying for the U-haul.” 

Adora’s laughter filled the room. The bed shook as she took herself from her lap, only to fall back on the bed again. After a while Catra wasn’t laughing at her own joke anymore but rather at Adora who apparently thought she was hilarious. She moved herself to be over Adora as the laughter started to die down, trailing gentle kisses up her body until they were eye to eye. Catra chastised her younger self. The way Adora looked at her, the way those blue eyes softened and took her all in. Eyes that looked at her the way no one else ever had. Neither of them had spoken the words but she knew. She knew because Adora had always looked at her like that. If her younger self knew she would’ve said something sooner, before that night. Maybe she could’ve prevented all these scars. 

They were kissing again with rising need. Catra supposed she could call her ‘a goddess’ again one more time tonight, because she was one.

  
  


It took every ounce of strength left in her body to pull away from the sleepy woman next to her. She couldn’t take her eyes away from the impossibility curled up naked in her bed. How many nights had she lied awake, lonely, longing for the comfort of Catra. Most people probably would’ve been able to move on in the span of three years or at least not think about it as much. Catra had been a constant in her life, so many good memories. She wore those memories like a lifejacket for the better part of her deployment, even if it was a bit too heavy at times. 

“You’re staring Princess.” Catra watched her as she slipped on a tank top. Next she needed shorts. Catra’s boxers were closer. “And you’re already stealing my clothes.” They were a little tight but she was just headed to the kitchen. 

“Do you want anything else or just water?” 

“Jus’ water.” Catra said with a yawn. She started to pull the sheet over her and stopped. “Do you have any clean sheets?” Catra’s narrow eyes on her told Adora that she was looking far too pleased with herself. 

“Yeah, bottom drawer of the dresser.” She had like four clean sets. She wondered what Catra would think of that, having so many spares. It wasn’t because of sex, she normally didn’t take people into her own bedroom. She liked being able to end the interaction when she chose, before the haze faded and her scars invited questions. She went out and bought a bunch after the first two times she woke up soaked with sweat. Nothing beats coffee in the morning to wake you up except a good old fashion panic attack. 

“Go get water, i'll get the bed okay.” 

Water, holy hell she was thirsty. They’d been in her room for hours. She wasn’t a lazy lover with her one night stands, but nothing quite compared to the intensity of this. Adora paused at the door for a moment after she shut it. No matter how impossible it seemed, Catra was indeed in there, making her bed. 

The linoleum of the kitchen felt cold against her bare feet. 

“Wow, so you’re not dead.” Adora rolled her eyes at Glimmer's voice from the living room where her and Bow were watching a movie. She’d tried to be quiet but she wasn’t exactly built for stealth. Adora startled at her reflection in the steel of the fridge. Holy shit. Catra wasn’t without her love marks but she looked like been beaten. She had asked the woman to bite her, a lot. Her face was hot as she poured water from the fridge. Adora absolutely could not let her friends see this. She’d never hear the end of it. They already had enough firepower and she didn’t want to add to the munitions. 

“Is it safe for us to go to bed yet?” Bow said with a yawn. The noises from the tv stopped. Evasive maneuvers. Adora stepped into the hallway backwards and turned so her back was to the living room. 

“Holy fuck. Are you sure you’re not dead?” She had been so stunned by the rorschach test on her chest and neck she didn’t even think about what her back looked like. She had so many scars on her back that some of the bites were hard to feel, only pressure and the familiar pain from the tension on their seems. 

“Yup, goodnight.” She nearly tripped over her own jacket that had been left on the floor in the rush to her bedroom. 

  
  


“Naked sleeper huh?” Adora asked, twirling a brown lock around her finger mindlessly. 

“I usually wear my boxers.” 

“Want me to get them for you?”

“ Don’t you dare move.” Catra pressed her back against Adora more.

They cuddled and talked, both content with small kisses. Catra traced the lines in her palm, she knew Catra was sweet. She never expected her to be this sweet, to talk about her feelings with such ease. Adora used to have to gently coax things out of her. Distract, then comfort once she had sorted her feelings. She didn’t know she was doing it at the time, it was just instinct. The scared little girl that was her best friend for thirteen years didn’t have a manual but Adora seemed always familiar with those parts of her. It got easier as they grew older but it was so hard for her to express herself. Any time she did Sharron had found ways to twist her words, to punish her. Even when she didn’t do anything Sharron punished her. That woman should have never been a mother. Catra got really angry for a while and she didn’t blame her. If she was going to get hurt no matter what she did she might as well do and say whatever she wanted.

Adora wanted to ask Catra about her college years. How did she meet Scorpia? What were her favorite classes? What were her favorite spots. That one might be safe, but she knew that talking about the recent past could invite questions directed at her. She wasn’t ready for that quite yet. Instead they lulled into silence, Adora was drifting off when Catra leaned away, plucking one of her photos from her nightstand. 

Catra nestled back into her, fingers tracing Adora’s mother’s face in their christmas photo. It hit her then, did Catra know? When her mother died she didn’t want to tell Catra over text. She was so worried that if she called her it would be one step too far and she’d block her. Adora couldn’t handle the thought of not seeing that checkmark next to her messages anymore. Knowing Catra read her messages was all she had. 

“I’m sorry.” Adora almost didn’t catch it, it was so quiet. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you at the funeral.” The tightness in Adora’s throat was about to betray her. Catra did know. Catra didn’t know that she also hadn’t made it to her mothers funeral. The start of the worst three months of her life. Adora kissed her, soft and brief. Her face was so tight with grief and guilt. There was nothing Catra could have done, but the words were nice to hear. 

“You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” She didn’t want either of them to dwell on the distance that Adora had forced them into. “She loved you.” Catra nodded forcefully, it was obvious she was also trying to not to cry. Neither of them wanted to break the spell they had cast for hours in this room. Instead Catra shared some of her favorite memories of Emily, Adora’s mother. Adora listened, a part of most of these memories. She had never known that her mother had taken Catra to the zoo, just the two of them. One of the days Catra hadn’t showed up to school probably. Elementary school was hit or miss with her. She’d often run the opposite direction after she got off the bus. So angry and rowdy she’d flee instead of getting yelled at by the teachers. After a while Adora had stopped worrying when that happened. She’d usually get off the bus, stomach in knots only to find her mother and Catra welcoming her home. 

“Wait… is that why you started pouncing on me?” Adora asked, placing the picture frame back on the nightstand. Catra laughed.

“You know what.. I think it was. The lions were just so cool. Mom said my wild hair reminded her of their manes.” 

A few minutes of silence had passed between them. She was so tired, so ready to wake up next to Catra, make her breakfast. Adora didn’t think she’d want to go on her morning run, not when she could be next to Catra instead. 

“Hey Adora.” Her voice was unsure. “That woman…” Adora’s heart started pounding, eyes boring into the gentle smile of the Navy Corpsman on her nightstand. 

“Was she… your..” Adora shook her head. “It would be okay. It's just you only have two photos in here.” It was hard for her to keep her lips from trembling. 

“No its.. Its fine you asked. She and I were just really close is all.” That was the truth, and that's all she could bring herself to say. They had known each other in that way once, Mara and her but she was more like an older sister than anything else. It had been a bad night for both of them. Mara had been arguing with her fiancé over the phone for weeks. Mark was a sweet man, he was just scared for his soon to be wife. Things had gotten more dangerous close to where they were currently based at. Adora hadn’t been sleeping well, she reread all of the messages she had sent Catra, thumb hovering over the call button for weeks. Usually a lack of signal took that decision away for her. She had kissed Adora, chaste and solemnly and fallen into a bed at the small practice infirmary Mara had set up to refresh CLS training. It was nothing more than comfort, the ache for a touch of someone who gave a damn about you. They hadn’t talked about it afterwards. It wasn’t weird though after that day. It was something they both needed. It was something they both understood.

Adora stared at Mara’s photo, Catra sleeping peacefully in her arms. She wanted to forget the last three years, but that meant forgetting Mara. She was going to choose happiness, choose not to think about the recent past. If she could just forget for a little while, she could practice being happy, being normal. Once she had enough practice the first thing she’d do is bring Mara back to her. Really it was a choice Mara had made for her. Mara was the reason she was here. She closed her eyes and imagined it was Mara and Mark, her fiance in bed right now. It should be them. Instead she was here with Catra. 

Careful to not wake the beauty between her and her destination she picked up the photo and brought it close to her. She knew the woman wouldn’t want her miserable but it also hurt so much to imagine forgetting her. She just needed practice. 

“I’m sorry.” she whispered, placing the photo in the drawer of the nightstand closest to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super proud of the chapter ya'll. Updates might take longer now. These are really emotionally exhausting to write. Please tell me what you thought!


	11. Let's be Astronauts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She-ra nickname will be explained In a later chapter.

Catra, 

Why does our platoon always have to be the sword? Why can’t we ever be the shield. I want to protect people but being a weapon is all I’m good for. The nickname is growing on me. She-Ra. It’s all they call me now. Why am I so good at being a weapon? Why do I follow orders, I could just put the gun down. If I were Adora, I would be tried for treason. I don’t think I can be her anymore Catra. At least that’s what I tell myself. The Adora you knew would never do these things.

22

That’s not a number I’m proud of, and those were the ones that were only mine. I don’t want to think of them as a number, even if most of them would kill me without a second thought. I’m barely halfway through my three years and I’ve killed more people than the years I’ve been alive Catra. 

What have I done?

~~LCpl Greysk~~

She-Ra

\-----------------------------------------------------

This is what she had been afraid of. This is why she never stayed. This is why she didn’t bring people into her own bed. This is why she didn’t do pillow talk. This is why she didn’t date, not that she had much time so far to even try. She’d only been back for just over four months. There had been one girl that she almost did. She met her on the beach. She had a foul mouth and made fun of her in the most flirtatious ways. Adora left halfway through their first date, avoiding an eventual “Oh yes I had a wonderful time. Wow you’re beautiful, but now that we’ve had sex I need to leave.” How romantic that would’ve been.

Adora had two things to be thankful for tonight though, and she tried to focus on that rather than the violent remnants of pain that was fading from her body. She was trying to control her spasming muscles, her body thinking it was shredded with metal. Her chest was heavy and her heart was pounding violently. Adora’s body thought it was dying because it had just relived the moment it did. Every tiny detail of it. Parts of her back that had been numb for almost a year flared to life, her lungs burned, desperate for air. She had been lucky so far. Most of the nightmares had been abstract but it seemed like talking so much about her mother, and thinking so much about Mara so close together had been the magic recipe her brain needed for a detailed recreation. The worst part was that this time she knew what was happening but could do nothing about it. Stuck in a memory, but the fear, the grief, the panic set in before mine went off in the front of the convoy. Before the mortars. Before the transport of stingers was hit. 

Right now she was thankful though. Thankful that Catra was still a heavy sleeper she slowly pulled on the sweat soaked sheet. The top one anway. She could hide the spot and cover the freezing wet mattress with a comforter. How can one person sweat so much? Adora pressed her palm to her mouth, trying to cover her panicked breathing a Catra stirred. She was now thankful for three things. That Catra rolled further onto the dry half of the mattress. Adora threw a dry sheet over her and bunched up the comforter beside Catra. The ghostly pains had mostly subsided by now but her heart and lungs were still in full panic mode. Adora’s teeth started to chatter, she was so cold. 

Adora focused on the hot water, the way it felt. She had changed the setting so it shot water rhythmically against her skin. Water is always the easiest for her to do this with, stark contrast to the desert. They felt round. She pictured the droplets in her mind, focusing on every detail she could. Hope had taught her how to cope with panic attacks in their first session together. She couldn’t always calm her brain enough to remember. Tonight when she woke up though it was like her brain and her body were disconnected. The body was pretty sure that she was dying. The brain was panicking also but there was a roar over the alarms blaring in her head. The roar said, not in front of Catra. She was so very thankful she hadn’t screamed.

Adora did her best not to disturb the beautiful woman in her bed. Catra’ arms wrapped around her and still asleep she rested her head on Adora’s shoulder. Her body threatened to start trembling again, a sob stuck in her throat. Every fiber of her being wanted to wake Catra up and be held as she cried. If she did that though, how was she supposed to forget? It was easy to imagine the pity that would show up in those blue and honey eyes. That was the last thing she wanted from her. CPRL Greyskull didn’t deserve pity or sympathy. Instead she stared at the ceiling and decided she was filling that prescription first thing in the morning. 

\---

Catra was trying to glare at the far too dressed, far too awake, beautiful blonde that was smiling at her. 

“You’re really cute in the morning you know that.” A finger tapped the tip of her nose. With half open eyes and yawn she glanced at the clock and finally was able to glare at the tall blonde. 

“No one is cute at 6:40 in the morning Adora.” Adora leaned in, she was expecting a kiss but her lips just brushed against hers as she whispered against them.

“You are.”

Woah. Catra felt the tiredness drain from her as the butterflies she’d been feeling lately danced around with joy inside her. She bit back a smile and just looked at Adora with wonder. She was so beautiful, she looked like hell and still looked beautiful. There were bags under her eyes and what she could see of her neck was covered in bruises from Catra’s own teeth. She couldn’t help but feel awfully proud of her work. Maybe next time she’d spell out her name. 

“What are you doing up anyway? You don’t have class till 9 right?” She patted the space next to her. 

“Mmmm. Wish I could. Unfortunately something came up. I have to run an errand this morning. I didn’t want to just disappear on you.” Adora pulled her into a kiss that ended far too soon. 

“You sure?” Catra said coyly and leaned forward and stretched the sleep from her arms, her breasts clearly the offering she was displaying. Adora let out an amused huff but then something in her eyes grew darker. She chewed her lip for a moment before giving Catra a half smile, scrunching her face. It's what she used to when they were younger and she was trying to not be upset. Usually it was when she was hurt but didn’t want the other person to feel bad about it. So what you stepped on my foot really hard? See it’s silly. 

“I uh..” Catra swung her legs off the bed “I could come with you if you want.” Adora froze at the door, her body tensing. Catra could see her jaw twisting before she turned back to her, scrunching her face again. It might be innocent enough to someone else but she’d known her longer than anyone.

“I’d love that but really, you’d just complain the whole time. It’s boring.” Adora said it with a laugh and smiled at her again but Catra could tell in her eyes now that something was bothering her. “There's waffles you can put in the toaster and the coffee pot just needs turned on. Glimmer will get the door later so don't worry about...” 

Did I do something? Is she mad at the bruises? Was it asking about the photo?

The anxiety that had been bubbling up inside must have made its way to her face. Because the blonde’s expression became worried and she moved back over to her on the bed. Adora pulled her into a kiss by the chin before kneeling in front of her, her head resting just above Catra’s chest.

“Trust me, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” She sighed and continued: “There's just something I've been putting off that I can’t anymore.” Lips pressed against her cheek. “I’ll text you later okay.” Adora was gone and Catra was very confused. 

She also did that when she lied. The thought gave Catra pause, shirt half pulled over her head. Not every time she lied. She didn’t bother with her underwear, ruined from the trist in the storage closet. Only a certain kind of lie. Her jean shorts were on now. 

She sat back down on the bed, trying to remember the first time she saw that face. 

She was 8, there was a loud banging on a door. Adora slid into the kitchen where she had been enjoying a glass of orange juice. The little girl in front of her looked scared then quickly adjusted into a smile. Always missing a tooth. Adora grabbed her hand. 

“I wanna show you something.” The blonde ponytail bobbed as she led them to Emily’s room. Adora opened the closet door and Catra followed. The slats let in just enough light to see. The bottoms of blouses tickled her hair. 

“Is that my Mom? Catra asked, toes curling into the carpet and nails digging into her own arms as she pulled her knees to her chest. 

“She’s my daughter!” Adora pressed her palms against Catra’s ears. All the lines in her face drawing to her nose as she shook her head. Adora’s face was hot pink from the effort of the scrunch. The voices were muffled now. 

“Listen.” The girl let up her palms a bit so she could hear her. “ It's like you’re in a spaceship.” She pressed back down. There was a quiet rumble, a low pulsation. Those warm gentle hands were really making this noise? Catra closed her eyes and imagined flying through the stars.

“You’re right.” She whispered 

“ Oh please do call the police and explain how...” it was Emily’s voice. Adora squeezed against her ears harder, it hurt. Their foreheads were touching. Catra brought her own hands up to her best friend's ears. 

“Let’s be astronauts Adora.” 

  
  


“Idiot.” Catra whispered to the air of the far too empty bedroom. 

She spent another fifteen minutes laying in bed, thinking. No, she wasn’t going to do this again. She wasn’t going to spiral. Adora is just more private than before, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t trust you. It doesn’t mean she hates you. People are allowed to have those; things they didn’t want to share, just as she did. Catra wasn’t that person anymore. 

Catra heard the clanking of spoons against bowls as she walked toward the kitchen. Well, this was a little weird. Maybe she’d just skip breakfast and run right out the door. 

“The first.” Glimmer said just loud enough for Catra to hear. 

“The only.” Bow set his spoon down. Both of them were looking at her with wry smiles. 

“Why are you two so fucking weird?” Catra’s eyes caught a plate, plastic wrapped lightly cooked hand made waffles. There was sticky note on it, Kit-Cat, the ‘i’ had a little heart instead of a dot. Underneath her name was ‘toast for 60 seconds’. Okay, she couldn’t skip breakfast. “What do you mean anyway? The first, the only? Adora’s not a virgin.” She said pouring her coffee, placing the most precious waffles in the world back onto the plate from the toaster. 

“That she is not.” Glimmer’s voice was full of mock horror. “You however, are the only person she’s brought here.” 

“And spent the night with.” Bow added between bites chocolate cereal. 

Catra wasn’t sure how to respond to that so instead she chewed. It was soft, warm and sweet, just like Adora. She’d never be this sappy out loud but internally she let the love sickness rise, the feeling of it she’d dreamed about for years. Catra even folded up the sticky note and put in her pocket, careful not to let the couple from hell see. Apparently they took her silence as response enough. 

“Your special.” Bow said long and drawn out. Catra’s face was growing hot. She hoped she was but that didn’t mean she wanted to talk about it. Glaring at them over her coffee she was calculating how to end this line of conversation. 

“Is breakfast always this bad with you? Do you two get off on this or something?” Glimmer just shrugged her shoulders, still pleased with herself. “Besides, you don’t know that. You barely know anything about me.” Bow snorted, the start of a low rumbly giggle stilled both Glimmer and Catra. He leaned back in his chair holding his stomach. He was like this for a few minutes, tears in his eyes. Eventually Bow was able to regain his composure and just shook his head at Catra. 

“Yeah sure, totally know nothing about you. That's a good one.” Catra was glowering at him. What did he know? Did Adora really talk about her that much? When she was.. Adora should have been pissed at her. Catra had ignored every single one of her messages. Bow started humming and after a few moments a chill went through her. She stared at the man in tight lipped disbelief. Catra rarely sang with an audience. There were a few times that Adora had asked because she said her voice was so pretty. The walls were thin, and the bathroom shared a wall with Adora’s bedroom. Bow was humming the song she was obsessed with for most of their senior year. She only ever sang it in the shower, thinking of her. Catra just blinked at him as he continued to hum, stupefied. 

“So, how was it?” Glimmer spoke up as the humming died down. Catra was going to get whiplash. 

“Excuse me?!” Her voice was shriller than she liked.

“The kiss, was it perfect?” Catra vowed to never have breakfast with them again. She shoved the remaining waffle in her mouth, every word she spoke muffled into just a series of sounds. Catra grabbed her bag and shoes, she could put them on in the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wont leave the dream hanging for long, promise. Let me know what you think! I really appreciate every single comment. In the past my writing never seemed to convey what I wanted it to, but this time I think its working. Lol I said the posts would slow down. I know exactly how this story ends and most of the stuff in between. I'm so excited to get there.


	12. That's My Girl!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SAM is surface to air missile. A stinger is a hand held launcher of such things.

Catra, 

I have so many of these letters for you. Somedays I write more than one. There was a few weeks where I didn’t write to you at all. I used to imagine what you’d say as you read these. “Idiot.” A scoff, your laugh, your anger. I think I'm forgetting what you sound like though. 

Bow’s girlfriend, Glimmer, set up a PO Box for me to send these too a while ago. I can’t send them to Mom, she might open one thinking it was to her. I don’t tell her the things I tell you, I can't. It would break her heart. I know you can relate to this feeling, it might not be the same situation, but the hatred is there. It was so much easier when it was just you and me. 

I just wanted to help people, to protect people. The civilians here only look at me with fear. That’s who I am now. A thing to be feared. 

She-Ra.

  
  
  


\--------------------------------------------------

  
  


Grab your gun. Grab your gun. Grab your gun. Stop it before it happens this time. 

The hum of the tires over rock and dirt filled her ears along with the purr of the engine. The Marines in the front seats were unusually quiet, out of respect to her. 

The roof overhead is suffocating. Please not again. 

Adora sat quiet, looking out the window. The smell of sweat was thick in the air. Each vehicle moved forward in a staggered line so not to blind the one behind with dust. 

That glint, in the distance. You see it don’t you? You saw it. You were just too in your own grief to  _ notice _ . You weren’t She-Ra when she was actually needed. You were Adora.

A hand was on her knee, she turned. Mara was giving her a placating half smile. I feel your grief, it said. I’m here for you. She arranged to be here for you. To be with you while you went with a supply convoy to fly out from their destination. 

“Your mother must have been an incredible woman.” She squeezed her leg. “She raised an incredible woman.” Her voice, she hadn’t heard that voice in so long. She wanted to sob, to scream, to flee. She could feel all these things, but nothing would change. You said nothing you fucking coward. That was your last chance. You sat in silence as the soldier you called sister tried to comfort you.

Instead she stared silently. Everytime her eyes would catch the truck 100 yards in front of them her heart tried to jump out of her chest. She didn’t know it at the time but she knew now. Why it was so bad. It had been carrying stinger sized SAM’s. It had left a crater. It was about to start, the part where she couldn’t think anymore, she was just there. Stuck in a memory.

The vehicles in front of them started to come to a stop as smoke began to appear in the sky about 400 yards away, followed by a rumble of a distant explosion. The driver slowed down eventually stopping, 50 yards from the supply truck. They weren’t far from a rocky cliff. This area should have been clear. Adora thought. Drones flying ahead of them. This big of a convoy would have had to. 

  
“Get down!” She shouted as her ears picked up a familiar whistle in the air that she had come to know by heart. She heard the impacts but they stopped almost as soon as they started. Cautiously she looked back out the window and saw a tan Pinto, rocks glued to the top, racing towards the supply truck ahead of them. It had come from behind the rocky outcropping they were about to pass. She heard Mara’s door open, she ran to the backside of the humvee, they all had guns up and were moving. Tripod, three points of balance. She looked down the sights and held her breath. Two fingers twitched, back and forth, back and forth like she’d done a thousand times before. Blood splattered the inside of the car but it was still moving. Adora shot at the painted tires. No good, filled with foam. 

She saw the driver of the transport truck dropped from the cab and turned to run. Too late, he was pushed into the metal of the truck by the car before it exploded.

Adora had been shooting out the window for a better position. It was definening, and bright, and then there was nothing. 

Nothing turned into indescribable pain. Like she was mounted on antlers of white hot metal. There was so much weight on top of her. Her lungs burned, she smelled smoke. She couldn’t breathe, this weight on her chest. Blackness turned into a distant white that grew closer. Something was slamming into her upper chest, over and over again. It felt far away. As the whiteness she saw turned into blue sky and smoke she tried to push whatever was crushing her off her diaphragm but was immediately stopped by the feeling of metal slicing into her back as she moved. She knew her mouth was open in a scream, but nothing came out.

“THATS MY GIRL!” The yell was loud but sounded muddy. Adora moved her dangling head, catching sight of a bright yellow and orange epipen sticking out of her shoulder. Mara was beside her, helmet off, trying to wedge it in a gap next to her. What was she doing? Mara turned around and kicked, it didn’t budge. She kicked and kicked and kicked. Adora could see blood spreading from her abdomen with each kick, it was pooling in the folds of her uniform. She shouted for Mara to stop, but no words came out. The pressure on her chest eased just a tad, not much, as the helmet pushed up a bit of the mangled door frame of the humvee. Mara was shaking as she fumbled with her bag. Bloody fingers danced around her eyes as a mask was placed over her nose and mouth. It was getting dark again, the pain was too much. 

Mara smiled above her, face awash in relief. Adora’s fingers twitched to reach Mara's stomach. To apply pressure. To stop the bleeding. She could feel air rushing painfully into her lungs as Mara squeezed the bulb attached to her mask. There was distant gunfire. More mortars. 

“They’ll get those bastards and then you, you’ll be okay. You’re going to be okay Adora.” 

  
  
  


“You’re here, you’re safe.” It was Bow’s voice. It sounded tired.

Adora wasn’t sure how she ended up on the couch, wrapped tightly in a blanket with her head in Bow’s lap. She was sobbing but no more tears would come out. He was trying to sooth her, fingers running threw her damp hair. 

“Soon, it takes time. They’ll start working soon.” He said quietly, calmly. The prazosin, it took up to two weeks to start working. This was day five. Six nightmares. This was the seventh time she died. The seventh time she was brought back to life. The seventh time Mara ignored her own wounds for her. She tried so hard to stay up. She didn’t remember falling asleep. 

“It’s...not fair, fair.” Adora stuttered, not in control of the words coming out of her mouth. 

“No, no it's not.” He grabbed her hand through the blanket. A sleep deprived, zombie-esc version of Glimmer appeared before her, holding a glass of water. Adora shook her head. 

“I just got her back…” 

“You still have her Adora.” 

“But I'm still there Bow.” Her muscles started to relax, her eyelids heavy with exhaustion. “You can’t tell her.” She sank further into the blanket and Bow’s lap. “Promise me.” She couldn’t keep her eyes open. 

“I promise.” Hearing what she needed Adora stopped fighting the sleep that her body so desperately wanted.

\-------------

Catra intended on going to sleep two hours ago until she saw Adora jog past her apartment at 1:30 in the morning the first time. She looked like shit. Dark circles under eyes, her face pale and there was no energy in her movement. A sea of anger, worry, and dread roiled in her stomach. Adora had passed by three more times since then.

On one hand, she hoped she wouldn’t run by again. That she had gone home. On the other hand was the possibility that she collapsed and Catra was going to go looking for her. Adora hadn’t been running past her apartment on purpose. She would’ve known where she lived if she’d accepted any of her invitations this past week. They’d gone out to Catra’s favorite diner seven days ago, she’d seemed distant, tired. Barely touched her food. Catra hadn’t actually seen Adora at all in five days. Sick, she said. Bullshit. They had talked on the phone. Even over the phone she sounded awful. 

Catra had tried so hard to get her talk, but she would just change the subject or tell a joke.

“Really, I’m fine. I think it’s just school getting to me. I haven’t done homework in years.” Bullshit. She was mad that Adora would lie to her like that, but more importantly she was angry she was doing this to herself. She quickly caught on that there was just one thing Adora refused to talk about, Afghanistan and everything involving it. Catra was told about the trips she went on when Adora got leave but nothing else.

Her leggings went tight as she dipped into a lunge. It felt good to stretch. Catra checked her phone. Should be five more minutes before she comes around. Adora had been slowing though so she would give her ten before she went searching. Catra hadn’t really run in years, not since she got kicked off the track team in middle school for body checking a girl who had tried to trip her. This is gonna suck, the running, the what to say to Adora. How Adora was going to react. 

Right on time her lifeless blue eyes rounded the corner. If Adora weren’t exhausted she knew that she wouldn’t be able to get to her in time. It was easy though as she crossed the street and jogged up beside her. Adora didn’t notice right away, staring dead ahead with music blasting from her headphones. They’d gone a block and half now. 

“Hey, Adora.” The blonde glanced at her, took a step, and glanced at her again face twisting in surprise before she stopped. Adora rested against the brick wall of the building they’d stopped in front of. She popped out her headphones before resting her hands on her knees, panting. 

“What….are you… doing?” her face was tight, teeth clenched. Oh you’re going to be angry Princess? Catra took a deep breath before speaking. This wasn’t about her right now, this was about Adora.

“Well.” she said cooly. “I was looking out my window and saw a pretty woman running and I thought I’d join her.” She pointed up the street at her apartment. Which you would know about by now Adora if you weren’t pushing me away. Adora relaxed a little. 

“Oh.” she started to put her headphones back in. “Look, I'm really stressed right now and I just want to run alone.” She did look stressed, like she would come apart at the seams at any moment. “I’m sorry, its not you, I promise.” Adora softened her tone and she looked a little surprised that she had just snapped at her. 

“Okay.” Catra was jogging in place. “Well.” Please, please let this not piss her off too much. “I want to run with my Girlfriend. So that’s what I’m doing.” A smile started to form and her brows unfurrowed a bit. For just a moment. Then she scowled. Catra gave Adora her biggest grin. Caught me. 

“Fine.” Adora popped the headphones in and started without a word. She tried to push ahead at first but it was easy for Catra to keep up with her. She was starting to get winded by the fourth block and sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening when Adora stopped. 

Adora opened her mouth to say something but no sound came out. Catra couldn’t get her to look her in the eye. Wordless she fumbled her lips that were quivering now, obviously unsure of what to say. She saw tears starting. Catra stuck her hand out, offering it to Adora. 

“My apartment is pretty cool, I have a really nice comfy bed. It would only be made more comfortable by you.” Her stomach was in knots. It was getting really difficult to act this casual in the face of how in pain Adora looked. 

Catra gave her best smile and a gentle squeeze as their fingers intertwined. What did they do to you Adora?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOooofff Apparently I had to write 10 pages in one day. I love all the comments!


	13. Tulips

Catra, 

Under no circumstances was anyone allowed to enter or leave the village for the next 48 hours. Under no circumstances were we allowed to leave our post unless under threat to life or properly relieved.

Was she deaf? Is that why she didn’t stop? She had a basket, following a trail of tulips. How many did she pick? 

You gave me tulips once. Red and black, like your suit. 

He fired a warning shot. She was getting too far away. Bow was shaking. He was going to do it. I couldn’t let him do it.

I did it before he could. 

Your prom date,

She-Ra

———————————————

She felt like a kid, sitting on the edge of the bed in an oversized t-shirt. Waiting to be chastised, questioned. Adora stared at her hands, thumb gently picking at the cuticle of another finger. Everything was blurry, she hadn’t slept in two days. She didn’t know if the meds were working yet but she was too afraid to close her eyes to find out. Dying every night, watching Mara kill herself for her, she couldn’t handle it. The pained grunts that Mara made as she kicked the helmet; she didn’t want to hear that sound again. 

When she ran her mind cleared. Her emotions weren’t a roulette wheel. When Adora ran she knew that it was exhaustion, stress and guilt making her feel and think so scattered.

Right now she only felt like a kid, a kid caught in a lie. Catra was leaning against her dresser, staring at her feet. She hadn’t said anything since she took her hand. When they entered the bedroom Catra had left for a moment and returned with the red t-shirt she was now wearing. Her tongue felt heavy. They’d been in these positions, silent for at least ten minutes. 

“This shirt?” She immediately felt a bit lighter. 

“Scorpia’s.” Catra replied, still staring at her feet. Her fingers tapped against the top of the dresser. “You hungry?” 

“No.” Adora shook her head. “Thank you though.” Catra’s voice was unusually flat but still held warmth. The silence came back and so with it the weight. Her shoulders felt like dumbbells sinking her to the ground. Adora straightened herself.

“I don’t want to sleep.” Mismatched eye’s met hers. Adora is expecting pity in them, and this time she would accept it. She knew she looked miserable. There wasn’t pity in those eyes, there was patience. “I’m afraid to go to sleep.” She waited for the “why”. No, the why was obvious. Why else would someone be afraid to sleep. It was the “what” she didn’t want to answer. 

Catra’s fingers drummed on the dresser again. 

“Ah, I’ve been there.” Indeed she had. Any child would have in her situation. Catra looked at her like she was waiting for more but didn’t ask her any questions. Adora couldn’t bring herself to say anything else and they both just stared. The flitting of early birds easing their silent conversation. 

You gonna say more? Catra’s expression said to her.

No. She could hear the woman take a deep breath. Catra licked her lips and nodded to herself. The woman’s tapping on the dresser became more frequent. She eye’d her, look away and look back with a slight smile. She was doing her best to hide the discomfort in her body. Adora could see the flashes of concern in the glances her way. She felt the familiar twinge of guilt growing in her heart. Catra was trying so hard and Adora couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Where would she even start?

“We never talked about it later.” Catra left her perch at the dresser and sat next to her. 

“Mrs. Gideon’s class.” Adora was confused. The transition was abrupt. She allowed herself to lean into wherever Catra was taking them. A safe topic. What about her class? Talked about what later? 

“Let’s see, eighth grade. She kept calling on me. I never raised my hand and she kept calling on me.” Oh. She vaguely remembered. “She was embarrassing me on purpose, trying to get me to snap at her one last time.” 

“That’s right, you were close to not being allowed on the class trip.” Catra nodded. 

“I’d never been to a theme park before, I really wanted to go. Anyway, she was trying to get me riled up and you started asking her questions after everything she said.” She was smiling and continued with a bit of laughter in her voice. “What ocean? What kind of boat? What was it hauling? Who made the ship? Why doesn’t it matter? But who decides that?” Her voice was high and whiny and her head tilted after each question. 

“I did not sound like that.” Adora replied with a touch of laughter.

“Sure, whatever you say.” Catra nudged her with her shoulder. “That’s when it changed for me.” The woman gave several small nods at the ceiling before resting her eyes on Adora. “It was hard to not run over and kiss you. The angrier she got the harder it was to stop myself.” 

Adora felt herself smile. This time it wasn’t forced. It was the “I still had feelings” she was addressing. Adora had meant to bring it up that day at the studio but soon found her mouth and mind otherwise occupied. 

“Since that long ago? Really?” Adora leaned into her lover, nose pressed to the woman’s cheek. 

“Yeah.” 

“How embarrassing for you.” 

  
  
  


Catra was right, her bed was soft, and so was Catra. Without much thought her face was cradled comfortably at the nape of her neck. She smelled like a meadow, the sweet tall grass warmed by the sun. Adora was still worried about falling asleep. Even if she wasn't, her heart was beating too hard under the stress she had put it through to let her rest right away. Adora didn’t have the energy to talk but she could think. Think and bury herself in the comfort in front of her. Her mind felt safe this time, because she had something to focus on. 

When was it that things had changed for her? It wasn’t a single moment. Holding hands felt like more when they went on walks. She’d stop asking and wait for Catra to just grab her hand. Such an innocent thing they’d done for years began to feel like a betrayal. The girl's laugh had become more than just a noise. It was a sound that made her heart beat faster and a knot form in her chest. Drinks they’d share made her hand shake knowing that Catra’s lips had just touched the glass. All of it had made her feel guilty. She was Catra’s only friend. Acting on her feelings harbored guilt that she was taking advantage of that fact. Adora couldn’t stop wanting more though, and it became harder and harder to resist. They’d always cuddled, it wouldn't have made sense to suddenly stop. That didn’t mean it was right of her to hold her closer, bury her nose in her hair and imagine what they could be if only Catra had felt the same way. There was one day though that she’d lost control and tried to kiss her. 

Adora was standing outside of her own bedroom, listening to angry grumbles coming from the other side of the door. She felt pretty in her red dress, ponytail in ringlets. She’d gotten ready hours ago and now they were going to be late at this point. 

“Just let me help you Catra.” 

“No, I got it. I don’t want you to see until I’m done.” Adora rolled her eyes. 

“I was there when you bought it.” Catra didn’t respond to but rather gave out a series of huffs and grunts of frustration. 

“This fucking thing wont... fuck.. WHY!” 

“Catra! Language!” Emily shouted from the living room. Catra made sure her scoff was loud enough. 

“I’m 18 now, I’ll say fuck if I want to.” She sounded confident in herself as she’d said it. 

“Do you want to try that again Catra Lynn?” Emily’s voice was stern and challenging. Adora was chewing her lip and glancing down the hallway waiting for her mother to make an entrance. She heard a nervous laugh in her room coming closer to the door. 

“Just kidding! Sorry Mom.” Catra stepped through the door with one of the smuggest looks Adora had ever seen. Her chin was high, corner of her lip lifted as far up as it could go. Her hair was slicked back and the long locks draped over her shoulders. Catra’s eye liner made her eyes look so bright in contrast with the suit. The jacket was black and fit her snuggly not leaving any room for imagination of the girl’s curves. Catra left the shirt partly undone at the top, bowtie hanging loose. Sharp and messy, it was just like her and holy hell did she look stunning. Catra raised a brow as she looked expectantly at Adora. She knew she looked good. 

“So what do you think Princess?” Adora knew she was just standing there, blushing. Her lips parted but no words came out. How could they have, she was breathless. Catra always found ways to surprise her, the girl’s sense of style always made her stand out. It didn’t matter if she dressed feminine or masculine, she’d always looked good. She’d never seen her in a suit before. The way she stood there, full of confidence had wiped her brain clean of any thought that wasn’t Catra. 

Catra’s smirk faded into a meek smile as red colored her cheeks. They kept meeting each other's gaze and looking away, turning the redder each time. 

“So uh..” Adora stepped forward, doing her best to keep her eyes locked on the bowtie. “Was that what your hissy-fit was all about.” Her fingers grabbed the edges and lifted them off the shirt. Catra’s hands came up atop hers and pressed them against her own neck. 

“I like it undone.” she whispered. Honey and blue eyes were so close to hers. Adora tilted her head down and closed her eyes. How close had she gotten to touching Catra’s lips before psychic Mom timing had interrupted them?

“Girls! Are you ready yet? I want pictures.” They were both pressed to the wall, opposite sides of the hallway when her mother finally rounded the corner. “Look at you both, so bashful. Don’t be. You both look beautiful.” 

Adora still had those pictures. They were boxed away somewhere in her childhood home. When she eventually makes it back there to take care of the estate she was definitely digging those out. They’d both look so happy in those photos. Catra had even given her a bouquet. Black and red, like her suit. What were they? Roses, definitely roses. 

When they got home that night they sat on the porch, leaning against one another and stared at the stars. It was cold but they sat there, not wanting to open the door and end the magic that prom night brings to teenagers. 

“Hey… Adora.” Catra had turned away from her and was tapping incessantly on her own knee, nervous. “Why.” She paused “Why did you invite me to prom?” 

Because I love you. Is what she had wanted to say. She placed her hand over Catra’s, to ease her fidgeting. 

“Who else could I ever have so much fun with?”

Oh god. It was so obvious thinking back on it. Young Adora was so blinded by her own doubt and fear. Why had her mom even let them sleep in the same room. Trust maybe?

Adora couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out, shaking the bed with her. Catra leaned her head back as Adora rolled onto her back, avoiding a smack to the chin. Catra sat head propped up in her hand waiting for her giggles and snorts to end. Every muscle in her body was screaming but she couldn’t stop herself. 

“What’s so funny Princess?” Catra was looking at her skeptically, probably wondering if she’d fully cracked. Adora let out a few hums of dying laughter and looked at her with a smile. 

“You’ve always been so right Catra.” The sleepy woman raised a brow, waiting for the rest.”I’m an idiot.” 

“Well duh.” She placed a hand on Catra’s cheek as she responded. Most of the worry she’d seen in her eyes earlier had faded. Adora pulled her gently with her finger tips, unsure if Catra would even want to kiss her right now. She followed Adora’s pull. They kissed, just like they should have done that night. It was gentle and exactly what she needed at that moment. 

“I’m sorry Catra. I’m sorry I lied to you.” she said softly. Catra put her arm back around her and pulled her back to her chest. 

“It’s okay Adora.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this like 4 times, so that's what took so long. Happy Krampus everyone! I have a fucking whiteboard now to keep track of the timelines, events and plot beats. As always I love your comments! No promises but I don't work again until Monday and this is all I want to do in my spare time so hopefully I'll get a lot done this weekend.


	14. Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this letter is really dark. No they wont always be this dark.

Catra, 

We brought water yesterday into one of the towns that had been caught in the middle of a lot of the attacks and bombings. The people there have been stuck in place for their own safety for at least three weeks. Thousands of gallons of it. People were lined up in the streets to greet us as we rolled in. They cheered for us. For once, for once I was doing something good. A few little girls came up to me, wanting me to take our picture. I sent it to you. Our translator tried to keep up but they asked so many questions. We looked at my old photos together. I think they thought you were pretty. They kept waving at me to stop when you were on the screen. They really liked your scowl. We practiced it together.

We ended up going back through there today. 

When the ground here gets muddy, it still looks clean. I don’t know what it is in the soil that makes it look so even toned. If left undisturbed it dries smooth before cracking. The swirls of red were pretty before we got closer. There in a pile, was everyone who had talked to us. Anyone who was friendly with us.

Anyone Catra. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


She hadn’t been asleep long when Catra had to squint against the harsh light coming in through the window. Dust danced in the rays as she searched for the source of whatever obnoxious noise interrupted her finally slipping away. It had taken her a while to fall asleep after Adora did. All the worry and anxiety she’d been masking crawled its way to the surface and kept her awake. 

It’s not like she hadn’t seen the blonde upset before, this was just different. Even if she didn’t talk about what happened she used to always at least reach out to her. She’d seen her angry, down-trodden, hopeless, depressed. They’d held each other through so many bad days, but that was years ago, before Catra had abandoned her. She used to think of it as the other way around. As time passed though she’d accepted what she’d done, and had done nothing to change it. How could she have? Catra had just left that knife inside her, no attempt to pull it out or push it further in. She just covered it up and forgot about it instead. 

She needed to be patient and give her time. They had jumped into this so quickly, it had been so easy to do. Pretending that night of the graduation party never happened, but it did happen. Sharron Weaver, the woman she refused to call mother, had turned her into an angry and sad child. How long had it taken her to truly open up to Adora? Patient. She had given you thirteen years. 

Catra turned her eyes down at the sleeping beauty in her arms. She looked so calm now but what she saw as Adora passed by her window had frightened her. Those usually beautiful blue eyes had shown an emptiness Catra hadn’t seen before. They looked completely and utterly done. 

It was obvious that whatever she’d gone through was bad. Whatever it was that she was dwelling on. The one thing she could thank Sharron for was her learned ability to see through bullshit. Catra had always been an unusually cynical child. When people touted war, played soldier or sweat patriotism it was no different than anything else in her life. She didn’t trust it and when she learned the truth she loved shoving it in peoples faces. How could people be so blind? She knew Adora wouldn’t get to be the hero she always wanted to be. Catra knew what could happen. That’s why she ignored her, blocked her on nearly every platform. Catra couldn’t stand to watch her break. What good had that done her now that Catra had what she’d always dreamed about? She wasn’t there for her when Adora needed her the most. Why would Adora think differently just because they were in bed together?

She didn’t want to get up, but not only because she was exhausted. Adora’s gentle breath had warmed her chest. She was still nestled against her, and had been for the last two hours as she slept. With awareness starting to come to her she realized that the noise was coming from behind her, and that it was a phone. Partially rolling over so that Adora was still on her shoulder she stretched and snatched up the disrupter. It was Adora’s phone. Bow was calling. She almost hung up but instead she pressed the green button and held up to her ear. 

“Hello..” Catra couldn’t muster more than a sleepy mumble. 

“Catra?” Bow said in a half yell. Catra jerked the phone from her ear.

“Yes, quiet down please.” She was whispering and leaning her head as far away from the blonde as she could. “I don’t want to wake her up. Did you need something?” 

“She’s with you? She’s asleep?” The relief in the sigh that followed was obvious. “No, it's nothing. Thank you for picking up though.” Catra clenched her jaw, too tired to bite her tongue.

“That’s bullshit Bow.” He was quiet for a moment. 

“She went on a run last night, and.” He paused again, she could hear him fiddling keys. “I woke up and she wasn’t here. I called and called and no one answered. I was just worried she got hit or something.” That sounded mostly sincere. 

“Is she okay Bow?” She ran her eyes over Adora’s sleeping form. Had she been like this all week? She saw hints of it, but he lived with her. He didn’t say anything right away. 

“She will be.” Another pause. “Soon. I think.” Catra didn’t take her eyes off of her. She didn’t want to move, but she also felt a little wrong talking like this with Adora right there. 

“Bow…” Catra’s voice was barely audible. It was a plea for anything more he could tell her. There was a fine line she was tiptoeing. In the past Catra would have leapt over that line and fought until she got what she wanted. Adora’s word choices last night were conservative for a reason. She wanted to respect that. 

“Shes….” He huffed and let out what was close to a growl. “We haven’t been back in civilian life for long. We’re both still adjusting.”

“Right.” Catra’s mouth felt dry. “Are you… adjusting well?” She was genuinely interested. A baseline maybe. It's not like she didn’t care if he wasn’t. Catra winced at herself. “Sorry.. Um, you don’t need to answer that.” The man was silent for a long time after that. Catra was about to apologize again and say goodbye but he finally spoke up. 

“There are bad days… but for the most part yes. It’s just weird sometimes. You wake up and everything is normal and it feels wrong that it is.” He made a heavy sigh into the phone. “ Thank you Catra. Thank you for being so worried about her. I’m glad she found you again.” 

“Um… of course.” Catra wasn’t really sure what to say to that. This whole new but not new thing seemed to add a strange texture to conversations sometimes. Not often, but in some situations with each other’s friends.

“You know, I was a little worried at first, for Adora. You two suddenly reconnecting.” 

“Why?” She was tired and drained. A familiar defensive tone just kind of slipped out. Bow chuckled into the speaker. 

“You were all she’d ever talk about.” 

  
  
  


In the weeks that followed, Adora was still stressed , but at least this was for a reason Catra understood well and could actually support her girlfriend with. Adora had gotten behind on classes and most of their time together had been books sprawled on tables and the frantic tapping of keys. When Catra wasn’t at the studio she found herself with the blonde whenever she could. Was it because she was worried about her? Yes, but it was also because even though the spark of a new relationship had been interrupted it still burned strong. 

Catra had plenty of relationships before this. Most of them hadn’t lasted long. Six months had been her longest relationship. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been attracted to her past girlfriends. Most had ended on good terms and they talked occasionally. The thought of all of them being in one room made her cringe though. If she was being honest with herself, they were all pretty much knock off Adora’s. It's not like she thought of them as lesser, those women were wonderful people. They had to have been, to remind Catra of her. Being with Adora again made it obvious that she was trying to fill a love that had no maximum capacity. Things usually ended when that new relationship energy started to fade, or when she realized that they just weren't who she wanted them to be. An impossible pair of shoes to fill. 

Catra had been busy reading for her art history class when she realized it. They were to do a research paper on art based around a historical figure. How the influence of the figure changed the art or pushed it into being history worthy. The basis was pretty broad but she had stumbled on a series of portraits of all Henry the 8th’s wives. She stared at them for a long while remarking the similarities. Catra had what, ten girlfriends since she started college? A bit of a serial dater sure, but the more she thought about it the more she embarrassed herself. Who was it that King Henry was really in love with but couldn’t have? Could she work that into a paper?

Adora wasn’t going to be some ever burning pillar of passion for her. All relationships settled into something else eventually. Water had even doused the nothing can stop us feeling not long after it started, but Catra was still sure that no matter how impossible it seemed when they were younger, it had always been inevitable. She stared at a half painted canvas for hours, contemplating all the places that Adora could have possibly moved to, all the colleges she could’ve gone too. 

The feeling didn’t blind her though. Catra would catch Adora staring at whatever she was working on but not actually looking at it. Often when that happened she’d abruptly disappear into a room or say that she needed to go exercise to regain focus. That had especially concerned her. When Bow and Glimmer were around she saw the looks they gave her as she’d walk out the door. They were worried too.

Those were the sobering moments for her. Adora did seem to be doing better though so what was she to do? 

“Hey dork, you sometimes freeze then disappear for a while?” Adora was still abysmal at lying, which is why when she left she usually didn’t say anything. That’s also why Catra never asked. She needed to give Adora time. Catra had hammered patience in her head since that night. Adora needed time alone. As long as she didn’t look as bad as she had a few weeks ago, Catra wasn’t going to say anything. Most days Adora seemed perfectly fine, and dorky. Yeah she had changed, but she still saw the corny, beautiful, silly and caring girl she had fallen in love with over six years ago. Adora’s biggest personality change, that she was still getting used to. 

It had been a few days since they’d gotten to see each other. Catra had been busy with a project for class that she’d already put off for too long. Once it was finally complete she’d felt like celebrating. She’d gone to a restaurant with Scorpia and Perfuma a few days before and wanted to take Adora there. As per usual though Adora had been working herself to the bone, trying to play catch up. If Catra couldn’t bring her to the restaurant, she’d bring the restaurant to her. 

  
  


“Oh! Surprise girlfriend visit!” Catra rolled her eyes. Once Adora had finally woken up that day the first words out of her mouth had been. “So, I’m your girlfriend huh? You wanted to go on a run with me? Your girlfriend.” and now she used the word every chance she could. Honestly, it was cute but Catra wasn’t about to tell her that, stomach butterflies be damned.

“Your girlfriend has a name.” She ducked under Adora’s arm that crossed the door frame.. Catra placed the bags in her hands on the kitchen table. “And food.” 

“Oh good, I’m starving.” Adora came up next to her to peek in the bag. 

“Curry. Scorpia took me out and I wanted to share it with you too.” The blue eyes roamed over her with a dopey smile smeared across her face. “What?” She narrowed her eyes at her. 

“I don’t know.. I guess I’m just still getting used to how easy you say stuff like that now.” Catra scoffed. 

“I do in fact have feelings. Plus I used to bring you stuff all the time.” Adora threw her head back with a short laugh. Beautiful. 

“If you mean just handing me stuff and shrugging sure.” Okay yeah, she was usually too embarrassed or nervous to say anything. Catra had nearly dropped the tulips she’d given her before prom. She’d thrusted them at Adora and looked away, letting go before her date had even grabbed them. Stuff like that was hard for her, scary. Scorpia had convinced her to go to the school mental health services after her first semester here, she didn’t want to push people away. She was just so very afraid that they’d push her away first. 

Catra started removing the mountain of food she’d purchased. 

“I know this was my idea, and usually I’d just pay for it all but.” She really did hate asking. “I’m an art student, and you eat a fuck ton. If you wouldn’t mind paying for part of it, at least the extra Adora portion.” Catra had bought them dinner once, after a lot of arguing. Lesson learned, shouldn’t have argued. She looked to see naan hanging out of her girlfriend’s mouth. Catra let out a grumble and slowly pulled on it, tearing it from the mouthful Adora had already taken. You can wait, animal.

“Sure.” She said with a wink, the sound muffled from the bread. Miss prim and proper , fighting excluded from that title, was gone. Catra didn’t miss it really, this suited her much more. It matched her temperament more. All that work Mom had probably done to give Adora manners held no candle to her boisterous nature. 

Catra made her way to the kitchen, pulling a few plates from the cabinets. She almost dropped a plate when calloused fingers squeezed her gently at the hips and pushed them into the counter. 

“Oh no..” Adora said, resting her chin on Catra’s shoulder. “It seems I don’t have any cash on me.” Catra was about to say something about how terrible her acting was until the blonde pressed against her, pinning her completely against the counter. The solid frame pressed against hers so fully made her heart race and sent heat coursing through her body. Fingertips kissed delicate circles as they moved across her bare midriff. “Is there some other way I can repay you?” Horrible acting or not Catra’s breath was steadily rising. 

  
  


“Aren’t you hungry?” Catra leaned her back against the woman behind her. Adora had initiated unexpectedly like this a few times now. When it wasn’t so abrupt it was still forward but more like a game. A “You want me to don't you. No? You sure?” She was starting to learn what this meant. The more aggressive Adora came on to her, the more she wanted Catra to take control, take the power away from her. 

She felt Adora’s lips brushing against her shoulder and neck as she brought their faces closer together. Muscular arms were wrapped around her now as she nuzzled into her. It felt so intimate, the way they would press their cheeks together. Gently pushing on each other, enjoying the sensation of one another's skin. She felt the goosebumps form on her arm as lips pressed against suddenly very sensitive skin. 

“Very.” 

This, this is what she couldn’t wrap her head around. Never in her dirty teenage imagination had she ever thought Adora would be so forward. It wasn’t a complaint. It's not like Catra thought Adora would always be so prudish, likely just from the embarrassment of youth. It was just surprising. In most of her relationships Catra had been the more sexual one. Teasing, snark and depravity was practically her love language in the bedroom and Adora was a fluent conversationalist. Adora would start the conversation and the more teasing and physical Catra was the more helpless her princess became.

The interaction in the kitchen had been a few days ago now. Adora sat on Catra’s bed flushed and nervous. That was new. When Adora texted her not long ago she was looking forward to getting lost in those beautiful blue eyes and waking up to being showered in soft kisses. She thought she knew what to expect at this point but Adora looked almost guilty. Full of need and guilty. Catra leaned against her dresser, eerily similar to the night she’d first called Adora her girlfriend. Something was wrong.

“You okay Adora?” Remember, patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its going to take a bit to write the next chapter, but I want to make something clear. No Adora didn't cheat lol. Its not that kind of guilt. ( next chapter I promise)  
> My roomie thought I should share my writing playlist. Its not my full playlist but its the focused chapters version. I'll post in in the comments.  
> This is a very Catra heavy chapter which I felt was important, the next one is going to be pretty much all Adora.
> 
> The pacing in this one is little different, hopefully it works for what I’m going for.


	15. Dress Blues

Catra, 

Fucking Hell last night was a mistake. Would I do it all over again? Absolutely.

With everything we have been through this past month morale has been abysmal. No one‘s been able to fake it lately, not even Bow.

I don’t know how he did it, but he did. Our CO took us out for late night drill. The trucks had unmarked shippers in them. 

We were all nervous, even more so when the officers posted guard. After threatening us with treason if we said a word of this to anyone, he opened the first shipper. It was an ungodly amount of alcohol. 

It felt so good to see everyone so carefree. People took turns playing their music from the shoddy, poppy speakers we had. I’m pretty sure Bow got someone to record the three of us dancing to send to Glimmer. I have a feeling that’s going to come around and bite me in the ass later. 

I barely made it through my morning run. Have you been to any parties? I bet you have. I also bet that you probably got into some fights too. Maybe one day, we can go out and get drinks somewhere together. If I ever see you again.

Extremely Hungover,

Adora. 

—————————

  
  
  


It was so quiet that she could hear the pads of her fingers brush against the navy blue fabric as she pulled the pant straighter. The blood stripes that ran down the sides now perfectly aligned on the sides of her legs. Adora ran her hand around her waist, flattening the white button up shirt before securing it with the waist of her pants. 

The shirt felt tight around her arms and shoulders. Had she seriously gained more muscle in the last six months? If the shirt was tight that meant the coat would be too. Her fingers worked the buttons, leaving the collar until the rest was on.That part always felt too snug. She ran her fingers over the embroidered patch insignia on the shoulder of the coat, plucking tiny bits of gold and red fuzz off. Finely made and mass produced, just like her. It had two gold chevrons with crossed gold rifles, arms, underneath. It marked her rank as corporal. 

Adora straightened the USMC pins on the collar before she slipped one of the sleeves on. She always had to pinch the cuffs between her fingers when she put this uniform on. It bunched up the sleeve of the under shirt otherwise. With both collars now fastned it was uncomfortable to move her head around much. 

She and Bow had been so proud to wear these uniforms when they first got them. They looked regal, powerful, a sea of freedom fighters standing in their dress blues. That’s what she used to think anyway, did her Dad think the same too? Adora understood why some people clung to the honor and not the reality. She wouldn’t shame them for it. Purpose, denial, and maybe there were a few who were rightfully proud. She rested the white belt high around her waist, cinching the gold buckle once it was as tight as possible without creasing the coat. NCO sword hilt lined up with the blood stripe running down her left leg. 

Honor wasn’t why she unzipped the black bag in her closet. Pride wasn’t why she stared at the black, gold, red, white and blue fabric on her bed for hours before getting dressed. The uniform was a presentable wrapper to show off their property to the public. A shiny new polish. So what if they had broken their gun. 

So what if when your CO handed you a weapon to clean you realized it was the blood of your dead friend you were cleaning off. The way Bow looked at her when he pulled the white cloth away, realizing who’s weapon he was holding. 

Adora picked up the white hat by the black brim and placed it on her head. It was a bit too big with the bulk of her hair gone. It shouldn’t be worn indoors anyway. She hated that it still bothered her to do it.

  
  
  


Jaw clenched she about-faced, a 180, staring at the woman in a body length mirror on her wall. This is why she put the uniform on, to face the woman who refused to stay buried. The cause of all her problems. The person who wouldn’t let her forget. Adora. CPL Greyskull. She-Ra. 

The relief that filled her when she finally woke up not drenched in sweat was palatable. She could start looking forward to tasting a normal life again. It wasn’t like before that night she hadn’t had problems. She’d had panic attacks before, mostly vehicle related but also nightmares.. They were more distant before that night though. That night her conversation with Catra had pulled some lever inside of her that started cracking the cement wall that had just barely dried. 

After a few days of good, restful sleep the symbols on the board for her chemistry lab didn’t look like hieroglyphs from some ancient civilization. Pour these powders, combine, add this liquid, stir. It made sense, but then she smelled something. A fucking smell. She heard the IED go off, saw the dirt fly and the humvee catch fire. The smell, some chemical they had used in the explosive. The beaker nearly slipped from her hand. Everyone stared at her as she jumped back, heart racing. The metal of the stool scraping against the floor so harshly had made sure of it. What was happening. Cue one of the many muffled panic attacks she had in the bathroom these last … three?... four? weeks. 

Straight-A-Adora was halfway through the first semester of college and failing half her classes. It didn’t even have to be memory related anymore. Just the stress of all the work in front of her, the work she couldn’t focus on. If she couldn’t do that, what good was she? College had seemed like a great idea at first. Something to jump into and focus on. She still thought it was, because all she’d wanted to do was help people, save people, make up for the things she’d done. To make sure Mara hadn’t made a mistake. Naive eighteen year old Adora, you ruined everything. 

Glimmer and Bow had already put aside their own priorities for her, she didn’t want them worrying again. Then there was Catra.That night was hazy, hard to remember completely. It felt like hours that they both sat there in silence. Adora never intended for Catra to see her like that. The fear that she’d flee was gone, but that didn’t mean that Adora could dump even more on her. Catra had already been through so much, grown so much. Talking about it wasn’t even an option really. Bow knew already. Hope sort of knew. She didn’t tell her everything. Becoming normal was her focus, deployment talk was brushed, not dug up. Speaking those words to life, what she’d seen and done, it felt like if she did they’d be burned on her tongue forever. 

Her girlfriend was perceptive and Adora didn’t want to lie to her. The first few times she excused herself when she kept her company while she worked Catra looked at her with a gaze that silently asked if something was wrong. She’d just smiled back, closing her eyes and scrunching her face reassuringly. It seemed to work, that or Catra knew that she couldn’t answer.

Even if Catra could handle it, it wasn’t her job. That was the biggest problem. Adora saw her blue eyes flood with hatred in the mirror. It felt so good to be with Catra. Crackling laughter that flooded her with warmth. When Adora didn’t have to focus on anything else, and could just be with her, she felt like herself. There was nowhere else she’d rather be than near her, nothing else she’d rather do that talk to her, touch her. Her arms were safety. 

Being with her was so good she started to question it. Was she using her? The worse Adora felt, the more she yearned for Catra, needed her. What about sex? Sex was a need right? A normal thing? Then why did she especially want it when everything was too much? When she was on leave Adora hunted for it, for someone to take her into their bed. It was an escape from the blood, the violence. It was the only time her body wasn’t being used as a source of pain. She hadn’t realized it at the time. It had started with Mara. Adora needed the person in hands to be the only thing that existed in the world. Casual flings were mutual usery, an escape. How dare she use Catra like that. 

When she was with Catra she savored it, because she knew it wouldn’t last long. Adora wouldn't allow it.

With a few steps she was closer to the mirror. She-Ra had torn her way into everything. Hadn’t she taken enough already? Adora wasn’t about to let her ruin the woman she loved too. She couldn’t be with her until she left the woman in the mirror in the past, where she belonged. 

Tonight was one of those nights that she needed her badly. Needed to use her, get lost in her, feel like herself again. She could allow herself one last time right? Adora could pour her gunpowder fueled love and let her go. Then explain why she couldn’t be with her a few days later. A break up dinner maybe? 

Adora didn’t bother hanging her uniform back up. It could stay there and wrinkle over the shoe boxes in her closet forever. Each one labeled with a year. Convenient really, she buried three years of written memories with the husk of the woman that made them.

Her heart ached when Catra opened the door in nothing but one of Adora’s t-shirts and an arrogant smirk. 

“Aww.” She teased, grabbing Adora’s chin and running her thumb along her lip. “Did you miss me? You haven't seen me in a whole six hours.” There was a lump starting to form in her throat. If she didn’t start this right now, fill her mind with Catra, there would be no one last time, it would just be over. 

Catra’s palm covered her mouth when she leaned in to kiss her. 

“Nope. We start in the bedroom or we won't make it there. The kitchen counter hurt my ass.” Adora bit back laughter. See, see what she does. Makes the pain go away. It’s not fair how much you need her. 

Adora’s heart was pounding, she couldn’t do this. She had to do this. As soon as the bedroom door was closed they drew together. She needed to feel every part of her, sear it in her memory. Catra’s lips parted in a moan when Adora pressed against that spot on her hips, they always did. She didn’t even know they had been slowly moving across the room until the brunette started to lean back further, trapped between her and the dresser. It gave her the perfect excuse to move to her neck, nibbling under her jaw as she gently moved her own leg between Catras. Nails scrapped against the back of her neck that sent waves of pleasure down her body. One of the few places unmarred by scars. Her scalp and neck were so sensitive and Catra loved to make her shudder with the light touches. 

“Ah… Adora..” But was this Adora that wanted her, or was this the creation of war trying to escape? She squeezed the firm thighs under her and brought her teeth to the woman’s sensitive collarbone. Catra said her name again. No, stop. There was a familiar weight pressing against her thigh. “Mmm, please Adora.” it was a whisper this time. The lump in her throat was there again. Fingertips pressed into her jaw and pulled her up into a kiss. Mismatched iris’s met hers. Look her in the eye and use her. That’s what you’re doing Adora, how could you. 

Adora used her strength to push herself as far back from the dresser as she could and looked away from the face that went from pleasantly agonized to very confused. Numb is what she felt as she walked over to the bed and sat, immediately burying her face in hands that should be caressing Catra instead. This was wrong. No last night. No more hiding in the joy her girlfriend filled her with. After a few deep, calming breaths she still felt nauseous. Under no circumstances did she want to do this but she had no choice. Maybe She-Ra would have been good for this after all. 

“You okay Adora?” The grip she had on her own legs hurt a little. Their eyes met and she stared into them drawing strength from the guilt she felt. This wasn’t fair to her, to either of them. 

“I can’t keep doing this Catra.” The way Catra stiffened as her lips stuttered was going to rip her heart out. 

“Wha… what do you mean.” Hints of anger and fear condensed on those words. Adora rubbed her face and willed herself not to look away. You owe her that much. 

“I can’t keep doing this to you.” Catra’s eyes narrowed at her.

“Do what Adora?” The tone was flatter now. She couldn’t stop the tears from forming or her shaky breath. Adora held a finger out to let her know she needed a moment. 

“I’ve…. I… I’ve been having a really hard time and…” Her mouth was so dry. “When I’m with you… it feels so good. Its easier.” How could she explain this? Catra was practically squinting at her now. “I feel free when I’m around you. I think about you all the time. And… when we have sex its like.. It's like you're the only thing in the world that exists.” Adora didn’t think the other woman’s face possibly get any tighter. She was angry, good. Adora deserved it. 

“And that’s a problem?” She could tell Catra was holding back the way her voice strained and brow arched. Adora nodded. 

“I feel like i'm using you. I just want to be with you all the time. You make everything so much better and it's not fair to you that when I’m…..” Hopefully Catra could read between the lines a bit, that and forgive her. “Not doing great I want you around. Need you around. You’re not some pill, you deserve more than that.” 

Catra licked her lips and ground her teeth as she started to pace in front of the dresser. Adora was very close to losing control and start sobbing. Whatever was about to come her way, she deserved it. After a few laps the brunette stopped in front of her, nose pitched between her palms. With a few deep breaths Catra leaned down so their noses were almost touching. 

“Only you could be this stupid.” Chaotic laughter rumbled from her throat and ended in a groan. Adora blinked, pulled back, hurt, she couldn’t help herself. “Only my girlfriend could all but say that she’s in love with me and think it's a bad thing.” Huh? Catra pointed at herself. 

“When I’m feeling bad,” The voice she was using was slow and full of inflection, like she was talking to a child. The pointed finger was pressed against Adora’s chest now, over her heart. “ You make me feel better.” No, it wasn’t the same. “When I’m with you everything seems a lot less challenging. People piss me off constantly and I always have to watch myself.” Her voice was starting to soften now. “It's so much easier to do that after I wake up next to you.” 

“You don’t get it Catra...I..” The woman stood back up, rubbing her temples. 

The room was spinning. “Tonight for example, I really needed to just get lost in you. When I’m overwhelmed with..things.” Death. Guilt. “With strangers it didn’t seem so wrong. They needed something too… I think. With you it’s different. It’s so much more intense and passionate and I don’t want to abuse that.” The groan Catra made was louder this time. She sat down next to her and Adora let Catra intertwine their fingers. 

“Adora.” She pinched her nose with her free hand. “I really want to understand where you’re coming from but you seriously expect me to be upset about the fact that I make you happy? That apparently when we have sex the rest of the world stops existing in your mind.” Catra shifted, lifting Adora’s arm out the way, resting her head in her lap. “It’s okay to need things Adora.” Catra gave a small wave of her hands, one taking Adora’s with hers in the motion. “I mean there are unhealthy ways too. Look, I haven’t felt used by you at all. I need you too. If you need to get fucked the hell out to clear your head just tell me. I’ll let you know if I’m not up for it.” 

Adora closed her eyes, trying to process everything Catra was saying. Was this really okay? After everything she had done. She felt pressure pushing her chin down. Adora gave and was staring at Catra who looked so content and relieved. It was a little awkward with how hunched over she was but strong loving hands pulled her into a kiss.

“You’re not the only one with baggage Adora.” She felt embarrassed, guilty, confused, she felt so much that she didn’t know what to feel. They stayed like that for a moment, in silence that her buzzing mind was thankful for, Adora was able to open her eyes again when the weight left her lap. Catra was sitting on the mattress now, facing her. 

“Really though, this has to be the most ass backwards way to tell your partner that.” Tell her what? Apparently nothing Adora had said made sense to her.

“I love you too Adora.” Breath hitched in her throat. Was this really okay? Hot tears were streaming down her face. Catra’s words coiled around her and squeezed impossibly tight. “I always have.” Of course Adora loved her. Is this what Catra was trying to explain? These things, these needs, were what getting to act on her feelings looked like? This is what being in love together felt like? It wasn’t just because she was trying to cope? This body craved love, not pentenence? 

“I…” the sobs started pouring out of her, muscles shaking uncontrollably. “ I love you Catra.” Adora didn’t have to pull her in. Catra was there, body pressed against hers. Hands slid under her arms and rested the backs of her shoulders. Adora couldn’t stop an ocean of a hundred different emotions draining from her. Catra was holding her tightly and it helped calmed the spasms as she soaked her shoulder in hot tears. “I love you.” Adora said it over and over again, between strangled noises as she cried. Catra said it back each time. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hell this was fun/challenging to write. This one took me a bit longer. I was intending on posting it last night but then I was told I’m about to be out of a job. Can the universe just pay me to stay home and write? Because that’s all I want to do. 
> 
> Oh and here’s the playlist again , updated with each post.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/26tnLEmSSi5ASKeycEaGES?si=GspD7-BOQxOhsGkKpwQhRg
> 
> As always comments are greatly appreciated. I love knowing what y’all feel and think. I try to respond to each one. Thank you so much for reading. I’m already working on the next chapter.


	16. Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's smut in this chapter. If you know me and are reading this, don't think about it. Also see end notes.

Catra,

There was a knock on the door. The house looked like home but different, the furniture was wrong. I opened the door and there you were, tapping your foot. Your hair was a bit shorter, tied up in a ponytail and you looked older too. Is that how you look now? You asked me why I locked the door and then... Then you kissed me. I remember thinking how I wanted to do that forever, kiss you. It was afternoon and suddenly and you were gone. When I turned around you were in the kitchen, yelling at me for just watching when I could easily reach the top shelf. When I grabbed the bowl you were gone again. 

There was another knock on the door and when I turned around it changed again. It was night now, the door was open and there was Mom and a little girl. She had your eyes. I think that's when I started crying. You picked up our daughter and you both sent mom on her way. I was so worried you would disappear again. You didn’t this time. “Mommy is crying.” she said from your arms, and pointed at me. You asked me what was wrong and I just couldn’t say anything. You called me love and the both of you kissed me on the cheek. You were both so warm, little arms wrapped around me, your arm around my waist.

I guess I do remember what your voice sounds like. I haven’t cried this hard so long. I regret every single day letting you leave. I should have grabbed your hand, begged you to stay, done anything. Instead I let you go like a coward. I’ve regretted enlisting for a while now, but never more so than now. 

Now there is nothing I can do. I know I’ll never see you again. It's been just over two years and you haven't responded to a single message. I’ll take the nightmares. I’d rather have those than ever have that dream again. 

  
  


\------------------------------------------------------- 

  
  


The back of Catra’s head thudded hollowly against the wall. It wasn’t hard enough to cause much pain but she was having a difficult enough time trying to stay upright let alone remember that this was not a soft mattress. Why couldn’t they ever seem to use the bed like normal people? One of her legs was shaking, straining from trying to move away from the vicious mouth pushing her against the wall. Her other leg however was over Adora’s shoulder and working in tandem with fingers tugging on blonde hair to pull her closer. 

This was the third time in two weeks Catra had gotten that text. 

I need you

It meant that Adora needed to disappear for a while. It also meant that her girlfriend was having a hard time but at least she could do something about it. Catra was grateful she was at least telling her that much now. It was becoming increasingly frustrating that she wouldn’t even tell her what she was feeling before she’d disappear, though that was happening less often now. She didn’t need to know why. 

One thing that she had to know though was that this wasn’t all she had. Adora told her about Hope, her therapist she’d been seeing since she moved here. Catra could be a lot of things for her, but not everything. This, this she could give to her. It was more than just sex. It was holding her after. It was telling Adora how wonderful she was. How much of a dork she was. How much Catra loved her. She’d finally said it outloud. Words she meant to say years ago before her selfishness pushed Adora away. Words she cried that night after she ran out the door, after Emily called to her as she ran down the street. Better yet, Adora said them back, over and over again. 

I need you.

It also felt so good to hear, to read those words. 

Catra could have just shown up, she could tell that text was coming, but she really did love seeing those words. She’d never been needed before. Growing up it was always Catra who needed Adora and Emily. When her own home , when Sharron, became too much she needed her real mother. She needed Emily’s comfort and the happiness in Adora’s eyes at the sight of her.

The noises coming out of her mouth were pathetic and her left leg felt like it was going to give out, it was shaking so badly. Even more so when she felt two fingers slide back inside her. Sky blue eyes would look up at her once she started huffing, trying not to string a flurry of expletives out. Almost all of Catra’s exes were alarmed the first few times they had sex. They had told her she looked extremely pissed off right before she came. Like she wanted to hit something. Apparently Adora liked that because she kept bringing her almost there, staring at her as she clenched her teeth and choked back noises that were actually starting to embarrass her. The satisfaction in what she saw of Adora’s face became more infuriating every time she denied her.

This current strenuous position was her own fault really. Adora had told her all about an older woman she met at a club in Berlin. They had done something similar to what they were doing now and how that was the first time she had sex in an allyway. Catra remembered teasing her about that. 

“Why didn’t you just go to her home?” Adora shrugged. 

“She said her husband was home so it was there or nothing.” Catra was laughing so hard when she pulled Adora into that kiss.

“I fucking love you.” 

Not to mention the look on Adora’s face when she commanded her to get on her knees. Now however, she didn’t know if she wanted to curse or thank the adulterous Fräulein. How hard she was pulling on blonde hair had to hurt but Adora didn’t seem phased. A whiney moan she didn’t know was capable of filled the room when the body rocking ministrations inside her stopped again. Catra was an absolute mess, this wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. 

“Please.” Begging, she’d been reduced to begging. All of her muscles were shaking and she couldn’t do this much longer. One hand gripped her waist and the other tucked under her leg. Adora’s lips left her for a moment as she leaned forward and swept Catra’s other leg over her shoulder. She was going to die, she was going to crack her head open on the wall and die. With a panicked yelp she slapped her arms against the wall, her shoulders doing their best to find purchase through the sheen of sweat on her skin. This wasn’t sex it was gymnasitcs and it was about to give her the best orgasim shes ever had. 

She dug her heels into Adora’s back as she felt her tongue swipe lightly back and forth faster than she’d done since they started this. Demon. Strong arms wrapped around her allowing her to bend forward over Adora, her head in Catra’s hands like a vice grip. She had no control. Her thighs squeezed tight around her now too and the world disappeared. Catra felt her eyes squeeze shut and mouth open with a long, low guttural moan. She couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe. Adora kept going. It was too much, she felt electric tingling all over her skin. Catra hurriedly tapped the back of her girlfriend’s head to get her to stop. She couldn’t speak. 

With absolutely no grace one foot hit the floor, then the other and she slid down the wall and collapsed onto the carpet. Even the soft fibers of the floor felt like too much contact on her skin. She was shivering and not because it was cold. It was hard to keep her eyes open. 

Adora was grinning like an idiot as she wiped Catra off of her mouth, chin and neck. This haircut really did suit her. The pony tail always made her look more innocent, she was anything but. She saw Adora move to touch her shoulder and her hand shot up to stop her, waving. The smile was replaced with concern and Catra did her best to shake her head. She just needed a moment. She grabbed her knees and curled up, waiting for her body to stop twitching. Any touch from Adora right now was just going to overload her more. 

Catra closed her eyes and focused on breathing. This had never happened before, every part of her body felt hypersensitive. It was overwhelming. The fog in her brain slowly parted with each breath and the tingling in her back started to die down. 

“Holy fuck.” her voice was between a sob and a laugh.

“Are you okay?” She opened her eyes to see blue ones filled with worry. Catra nodded and gave her the come hither gesture. Currently she was still too spent to speak much. Feather light kisses made their way all over her face. Catra’s fingers found their way to Adora’s neck where they softly circled up and down. 

“How are you okay right now?” Adora had been dealing with most of her bodyweight and one leg pushing against her for a long fucking time. People who didn’t like women with muscles were cowards and didn’t deserve them. Still though, she’d nearly squeezed the life out of her. It was Adora’s own doing of course, because she kept bringing her to edge and stopping. The blonde leaned back and massaged herself just under her cheeks. 

“Actually I think I might not be able to open my mouth tomorrow.” Did Adora know how easily she made her laugh? 

“Good.” Catra muttered between giggles. “You know, we are never doing that first again. I’m spent. I was supposed to take care of you tonight.” Adora leaned back into her. 

“I think I’ll manage.” She said, giving her a gentle kiss that Catra had a hard time releasing. 

Eventually they made their way to the bed. Adora had offered to carry her and as much as she’d usually secretly love that, some part of her wanted to retain a last shred of dignity.From the kitchen was one thing, this was a few feet. The mattress was a warm welcome after the unforgiving wall. Thankfully her skull seemed intact still, not even a bump.

Catra couldn’t stop her hands from caressing her love’s cheek. She was so tired but didn’t want to stop looking at her. 

“We don’t have to go tomorrow you know.” Adora rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. We can stay here.” Catra raised a brow. “We can do _that_ again.” There’s that smile, the one I’m so in love with. 

“No, were going. I’ll be fine, promise. You didn’t tell your friends for years what your birthday was.” Catra groaned. “You’re going, and you, Catra Lynn Weaver, are going to be celebrated.” The bar, the bar had been her undoing. Mermista refused to serve her this past spring without seeing her drivers license. Every single one of her friends had knowing looks after that. Catra hadn’t celebrated her birthday since her 19th, with Adora and Emily. With most of her friends out of school and having real jobs they made these plans months ago. Beach house, to make up for missed birthdays apparently.. Catra didn’t even like swimming. She liked the ocean though, the endless blue had always reminded her of someone. 

The issue was, and how she knew this text was coming, is that it was a two and half hour drive. Like in a car.

“Who goes to the beach in October?” Adora glared at her jokingly. 

“It’s going to be like 80 this weekend.” It has been usually hot this year. A familiar mirth spread on the face in front of her. “Don’t you want to see me in my swimsuit.” Catra looked away at the ceiling, imagining Adora strutting down the beach, the way her breasts would move and jiggle as she played volleyball. Catra hadn’t gone to all her volleyball games because she was full of school spirit. That brought a little energy back to her. 

“Oh yes, very much so.” She could tell that Adora was still very much turned on but too selfless to say anything. She didn’t have to, it was plain as day in her flush. The blue in her eyes were barely visible as they looked at her. Catra had no strength left in her body, not after the balancing act she’d performed. “Hey..” This could be fun. “I still want to take care of you.” She pressed her nose against Adora’s, straining her vision to maintain eye contact. “How about, I tell you what to do, and you do exactly as I say.” She felt Adora smile against her lips. 

  
  


By the time she’d gotten out of bed, dressed and showered, Glimmer's car was nearly packed. All Catra had brought with her was a day bag, she’d already put what she wanted to bring in Scorpia’s car before Adora even summoned her. It's not like she didn’t want to help them pack the car, it was more she absolutely was not having breakfast with them. That and just because they needed Adora tired didn’t mean she couldn’t get beauty sleep. She was headed to meet them outside when there was a knock on the door. Adora was standing there, looking exhausted. Good. 

“Why’d you lock the door dummy?” Catra stretched onto her tip toes and gave her a quick kiss. The blonde blinked a few times, obviously dazed. “Are you going to let me go to the car or…” 

“Uh yeah.. Um.” She stepped aside and Catra scooted past her. “I’m just going to grab a small blanket and I’ll be ready to go.” 

They were all leaning against the car waiting when Adora exited the building with a yawn. Bow gave her a thumbs up. 

“Well done Kit-Cat.” He chimed. Catra groaned. Breakfast must not be the problem

“Benadryl kicking in?” Glimmer asked to which Adora responded with a nod mid yawn. 

“I feel like a dog getting drugged up to go to the vet.” 

“Oh no! Bow, why did you tell her? You know her rabies has expired.” Glimmer said while she was getting in the car. Catra’s stomach muscles did not appreciate the laugh after the effort they went through last night. 

Once her headphones were in and she was cozy against Catra’s shoulder under the blanket, Adora fell asleep in minutes. No matter how heavy she felt against her, no matter how overheated she got, there was no way she was moving from this spot. It would’ve really been fine if they hadn’t gone. Her friends would’ve had a good enough time, but Adora was doing this for her. Dragging herself into the car for her. Catra hoped she knew how much she needed her too. This car thing could be so easily avoided too, with enough planning. 

“Hey guys.” Catra said quietly, even though the headphones should be enough. 

“Hmmm?” 

“It’s a small space thing right, like specifically in cars, trucks etc? Not a driving thing?”

“Yeah, I think so. Why?” 

“Why doesn’t she just get a motorcycle?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think their would be any more explicit sex in this fic but here we are. I found it necessary to add weight to later content. Also, the whole I love you thing, wasn't supposed to happen last chapter, and neither was this chapter supposed to exist. I still have what I want to do and a few unchangeable things but they are writing themselves now. Have been for the last 3 or so chapters. Lort help. 
> 
> I've been writing and thinking about this story way to much. Yesterday my cat, Wynn, was harassing me as soon as I woke up ( as she does) and I caught myself mid sentence. "Adora could you sto...." Yeah. I need to finish the story so I can get brain back. Oh, broke 100 pages with this chapter. I've written 100 pages since the 12th. WTF
> 
> Comments are much loved, I hold dear each and every one of them. I'm very tried atm and want to say more but yes, please comments give me energy.


	17. Possibilities

A fucking car accident. One stupid fucking person. MOM IS GONE GONE JUST LIKE THAT. 

I’m never going to see her again. Talk to her again.

I should’ve gone home last time instead of Germany.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO CATRA ?!?!? I HAVE NOTHING NO ONE 

How am I supposed to tell you? 

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS FAIR?! I kill and get shot at constantly and Mom gets killed on the way to work? 

What am I even doing? What is the point in all of this? 

Is this some cosmic fucking joke? 

Maybe I should just tell you over text?

Or maybe just call you so you finally block me? 

  
  


Why not? It’s not like I have anything else to lose.

———————————————————————

  
  
  
  


The slight jostling of the parked car made her eyes crack open against the drug induced sleep. Waking up with music blasting directly into her ears was never a pleasant feeling but at least it kept her blissfully unaware. No interruptions from horns of angry drivers, no hum of the wheels, and everyone else could still talk and listen to music. 

Cars weren't always a problem, at least they didn’t used to be. Reliving being trapped inside one over and over again had made today’s voyage seem impossible. She had to try though, had to try to be a normal person. A person who could go on trips, celebrate their girlfriend’s birthday. She was so worried it wasn’t going to work, that even drugged, the weight of the roof above her would drop down. All that melted away though, when she’d gone back upstairs. The more Adora stared at the car they were packing the more freaked out she got. She was freaking about trying not to freak out. Then Catra had kissed her. Not passionately, not with intent for more, but just because she was there. It wasn’t like it was the first time that had happened but something about it felt different. It felt familiar. It was easy to fall asleep, imagining opening a door everyday to that. Something she’d never thought she’d have. Sure, getting ahead of herself maybe but, the possibility was there. Something to look forward to that wasn’t just her trying to justify her existence.

Catra looked over at her from her phone as she shifted. 

“Morning” She sure sounded smug for some reason. Adora could only hum in reply, trying to focus on the shapes and lines of Catra’s face. The love she felt for that cocky grin. Always a softness in her eyes betraying her cocksure demeanour and undermining her jeers. So what if she’d only first felt those lips two months ago? She’d been in love with them for years. 

“You should look at hmmft” Adora couldn't help herself. Catra’s soft laughter vibrated through the small kisses. How long could she really stay stuck in the past, with this woman next to her? She felt her smile grow even wider, making it impossible to keep up her goal of kissing every inch of that beautiful face. 

“Is this the benadryl or just you dork?” She sat up more, pressing her forehead against Catra’s until she was pinned against the door. 

“Neither.” Adora rested her hand on Catra’s arm, sliding down until she found her palm. “ It’s just  _ you _ .” It took a moment for the emphasis of the “you” to hit her. It had been a while since Adora had caught her off guard like this. Catra’s face flushed with a puff of air escaping her instead of whatever she had been planning on saying next. She didn’t try to kiss her again. She just smiled at her, taking in the ocean blue and meadow gold eyes. They stayed like that for a moment. No one else had ever looked at her like that before, with wonder, only Catra. Like that time Adora had almost kissed her years ago. 

The sound of a phone camera broke the trace they’d seemed stuck in. 

“Damn it, forgot to silence it.” Glimmer slid her phone back into her pocket, still leaning into the car from the open door. “I never thought I’d have a problem getting you  _ out _ of the car.” 

“Why do we fascinate you so much that you’re keeping a digital record?” Catra said, embarrassment barely concealed by the bite in her words. Glimmer shrugged. 

“I don’t know. Once I started I figured I’d keep going, it’ll come in handy down the road.” Now both of them were looking at her skeptically. “You know.” Her roommate was beaming. “A couple of years from now, for the reception.” They both came to realize what she was implying at the same time and Adora cleared her throat, trying not to let Glimmer see the burn she felt in her cheeks as the woman walked away. 

“Well..” Catra turned and placed a hand on the door handle. “I need to stretch my legs anyway, at least one of them.” She winked at Adora as the door opened. “Because someone is too fucking tall.” Adora would have laughed harder if not for the yawn that got in the way. 

“Oh I’m so sorry, I’ll have you do warm ups next time.” Catra rolled her eyes. 

“You need to look at your phone.” Her girlfriend’s smile grew extra daring, the corner of her mouth reaching for the sky. 

“What did you do?” Adora said with an accusatory glare. Did she fuck with her while she was sleeping? It wouldn’t be the first time she’d received video evidence of snoring or sleepily swatting some object away. She hadn’t done it in years but it wouldn’t surprise her. 

Once they were out of the car Catra snapped up Adora’s bag just as she’s about to grab it.

“Phone, Princess, I’m serious.” Faking exasperation she fished the phone out of the pocket of her hoodie to see that she’d gotten over 30 messages. They were all listings for different motorcycles for sale or classes where she could get a motorcycle endorsement.

“I want you to get the gold Harley, personally.” Bow said, pulling the large red cooler from the hatchback. 

“Nah.” Catra replied, grinning from ear to ear. “I think I want to see you on that black Indian Scout Bobber.” 

Adora’s mind reeled. Why hadn’t she thought of this? Genius. No roof, no doors just two wheels and she could actually fucking drive herself places. She closed her eyes and tilted her head up to the sky, basking in the high midday sun, basking in the possibilities. She could take Catra places. They could go on dates that aren't just in walking distance. 

An addendum to Catra’s birthday gift had to be made. It was something she had already wanted to ask her but didn’t know how to logistically make it happen. Now she could, in time.

“Well?” All of Catra’s excited smugness from before was well deserved. Adora snapped her attention back to her girlfriend. She hoped the look she was giving Catra told her just how fucking brilliant she was. 

“Can the Indian fit two?”

Adora had to stop herself from volunteering them to take the living room. There were only three bedrooms and four couples. Bow and Glimmer hadn’t been anticipated. Adora hadn’t been either but Mermista explained they fully expected Catra to bring someone with her. Sorry, not sorry Jen. They were here for Catra’s birthday, and she’d gotten the best view in the house by default. One wall of the room was basically just a giant window facing the beach, endless blue rolling in the distance. The gentle waves were pulling her mind back into benadryl induced sleep.

She looked over at Catra who was carefully placing Adora’s clothes for the weekend into the dresser. It was such a mundane thing.The thought that their clothes were going to be in the same dresser and that for the next three days this was going to be their bedroom sent her heart racing. 

“You don’t have to do that you know.” Adora said. 

“I know.” Catra replied, sliding the drawer closed. “But you still look tired and I know you hate it when your shirts wrinkle.” She was very tired and the warmth of those simple words wrapped around her like a blanket. 

Adora didn’t used to care, but starting the day with wrinkled clothes sure as hell bothered her now. It also wasn’t something she told her.

“Wake me up in an hour will you?” She didn’t bother getting under any of the blankets or undressed. 

“Sure thing Princess.” Adora heard the curtains draw closed and the light behind her eyelids vanished. The bedroom door closed but then a small click told her it opened again just as fast. “Adora?” Catra said softly.

“Hmm?” The bed was so soft. This room was so soft. 

“Thank you.” There was a pause before she continued. “I’m really glad to be here with you. Love you.” The door gently clicked shut again. Adora reached up and pulled a pillow to her chest. This felt normal, this felt good. 

  
  
  


\--------------

As annoying as Mermista’s boyfriend could be, he did make some badass burgers. Catra was the first of them to find herself behind the house and plopped herself down on one of the many lounge chairs. The competitive side in her was hard to contain. Why did she ever think she could eat more than Adora? Catra was going to lay here and not move for the next three hours. One hour for each burger. Adora felt fine of course, after five fully dressed burgers. When her girlfriend went back for more she’d decided it was time to remove herself from the shame of defeat. 

“You’re lucky I get to come here all the time.” It was Mermista’s voice. Catra opened one eye at her. “That bedroom is usually ours.” 

“Gross, not what I wanted to think about.” This rental belonged to Sea Hawk’s Uncle. Mermista’s boyfriend was the reason they were able to rent this place. That actually made her feel a little more comfortable with this whole birthday getaway her friends had planned for her. The words “beach house” usually weren’t found next to the word “affordable.” “Then you’re fine with the living room then? Since you get to stay here all the time.” Mermista groaned. 

“Yeah, whatever.” She replied, crossing her arms and smiling at Catra. Her friend held that small smile for an unusually large amount of time. 

“What?” Catra snapped at her. This is how their friendship was. They didn’t see eachother often and when they did it was full of playful bullying. 

“Do you think this one is going to last longer than a few months?” Mermista said dryly. 

“Yes” Catra muttered back with a glare.

“I think so too. Though she’s not quite like how you described her.” 

“Describe who?” Perfuma said as she too laid back in a lounge chair across from her. Scorpia sat next to her girlfriend, leaning forward excitedly to listen. Mermista lifted a finger towards Catra as a bottle of sunscreen landed on her chest. Catra sat up to protest but as Adora sat at the end of her sun lounge all she could think about were running her hands all over those very uncovered shoulders. 

“You knew about Adora?” Scorpia asked Mermista who just nodded. Her buff friend looked a little sad now. It wasn’t like she’d intentionally rambled on about the owner of the extremely defined back in front of her. Mermista just happened to be the one in proximity when she was drunk and still very raw over her beautiful idiot. She had kicked herself repeatedly the morning after. They had been making out, laying under the stars, it was a beautiful night and instead of enjoying the beautiful woman she was with her heart kept wandering to blue eyes.

Catra picked up the bottle of sunscreen as the rest of the crew joined them outside. She really didn’t want this line of conversation to start, mostly out of embarrassment but if she voiced as much it would probably get even worse. 

“So tell me.” Adora said, glancing back at her. “What was it that Kit-Cat said about me?” Catra snickered as she squirted the cold lotion directly on to her girlfriend’s back. Adora sucked in a breath and tensed. That's what you get, idiot. 

“Oh you know.” Mermista shrugged Seahawk’s hand from her shoulder. “That you were the typical Mrs. Popular. Beautiful,..” Catra refused to acknowledge anything Mermista was about to say, instead she took extra time to massage the sunscreen over the countless discolored marks on Adora’s back. It was too embarrassing. Yeah she would shower Adora with complements now but that was a private moment. It was a moment that held a lot of pain for her. She remembered being angry when she’d told Mermista about Adora. That was her go to back then. If you’re angry then maybe you won’t cry, maybe you won’t hurt. That’s total bulshit of course but it seemed like the best thing at the time. Her friend kept going on and on, which was surprising given that this had happened years ago. 

“... I think I remember her saying that you were a huge goody two shoes. Which I mean.” Mermista waved her phone at them. “We’ve all seen the video’s from the night you all left my bar.” Both her and Adora snapped their head towards Glimmer. 

“Really Sparkles?” Catra said with a sigh. Please at least not have sent that one of her shamelessly fawning over Adora and how badly she’d wanted to kiss her. Glimmer gave them both her most innocent smile. 

“Some of it still applies of course.” Mermista ran her gaze over Adora. “You are pretty fucking hot.” Catra rolled her eyes before responding as Adora laughed. 

“Please, her ego can barely fit through the door already.” It was true though, her girlfriend was hot as hell.

“What you were most wrong about though...” Mermista continued. “Is that she is in fact a lesbian.” Adora slowly turned around to face Catra, something in her eyes made her nervous. 

“Well, I don’t know about lesbian.” The blonde was smirking now and pulled out her phone, quickly typing on her screen without breaking eye contact with her. “That’s not what  _ Catra _ usually calls me.” Bow was already laughing and Catra couldn’t get her hands over Adora’s mouth to stop her, it had been anticipated. One strong arm was long enough to keep her at bay unless she actually wanted to injure the blue eyed demon she loved so much. Mermista looked up from her phone. 

“A goddess?” Everyone but Bow and Glimmer looked confused. 

“Adora I swear to god I will end you! You will never see another sunrise.” Catra tried to push her off the seat with her legs but she wasn’t moving. Adora was pushing her down against the chair now. 

“No, you’re saying it wrong.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted the 3 days to be 3 chapters but when I do more than like.. 8 pages for a chapter the pacing seems wrong? 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think in the comments. These next few are harder to write so its going to take longer. I'm coming close to the middle of the story which requires a lot of set up and getting things in motion. 
> 
> Also I'm working on a second story! That one is going to be a lot bigger chapters and well.. I'm excited for it. Ranch life, Horses, survival... zombies? hmmm Because I spent 15 years showing horses and want to live out my survivalist fantasies because I'm too poor to own land lol.


	18. She-Ra

Catra was pleasantly buzzed, watching Adora intently as she jumped into the air. The ball zipped over the net with lightning speed. The dude on the other side never stood a chance. It started out as Adora and Glimmer vs Seahawk and Mermista. The beach was busy this weekend though and suddenly there was a crowd of people watching and waiting to face off against her amazingly powerful girlfriend. 

It was mesmerizing. Adora and Glimmer made an excellent team. Sparkles would get the low digs without even having to dive and pop them up high enough so Adora could spike it without the three touch combo. She was athletic enough that she could twist her body to fake out the poor bastards on the other side while sending the ball in a completely opposite direction without losing much power. Catra could tell that Adora was absolutely living for the competition.The privacy screen for the patio was quickly folded so they could all watch. 

Adora jogged over to them and grabbed her water off the table, winking at Catra.

“You wanna play?” 

“Oh hell no.” Catra said with a smile. “I’m enjoying the show far to much.” 

“I’ll join you!” Scorpia piped up excitedly. Catra could swear she saw those big blue eyes sparkle. 

“Yes! Please! I think Glimmer is done after this next one and I’d love to see the look on those guy’s faces when they see our force combined.” Adora held her fist out and Scorpia eagerly completed the gesture. Catra didn’t think her eyes could have rolled any harder. Stupid jocks. 

The beer in her hand disappeared with a sizable portion missing when Adora bent over to return it to her hand. 

“Excuse you.” She grabbed the thief by the chin. Honestly this was perfect. A few eyes from the crowd were still on her girlfriend, waiting for her to pick the game back up. Catra had never really been a jealous partner but the way some of those eyes have been lingering stirred up some childhood possessiveness. That was her Adora. A kiss that lasted longer than it needed to was better than a fist fight right? See, she’d made a lot of progress, plus she felt Adora choke down a moan when Catra didn’t let her pull away.

“Gross.” It was Mermista’s voice. “I think I preferred the ones you weren’t in love with.” The stupid smug look on Adora’s face when she jogged back to the net made her chest tighten uncomfortably. 

“I’m so ready to play. I haven’t played volleyball in ages.” Scorpia’s legs were bouncing in anticipation. Perfuma shamelessly squeezed her bicep. 

“You’re gonna do great.” 

“Thanks love!” Their kiss was much more socially acceptable. “I was hoping to play earlier but ,wow, what a crowd. How did that even happen?” Bow sat up at that.

“Oh you know.” He said. “I see a strong woman and she must be challenged.” His voice was mockingly deep. “I’ve seen it happen to her before actually. It’d piss me off if not for the fact that she kicks all their asses anway.” And like that all the attention turned to Bow. He looked at Adora for a moment and then around at all of them, his foot tapping against the ground. The man was obviously deciding on something. 

“So we were all blowing off steam.” He finally started. “Kind of doing all our own thing when she and I decided we wanted to arm wrestle.” Bow shrugged. “I knew I’d lose but apparently it sparked everyone else there to give it a go too.” Catra scanned the crowd around the volleyball net, they were mostly men. She imagined the toxic warning label stamped on their heads. “Needless to say, she didn’t lose a single one, quitting once she got too tired.” Bow made that wide face of realization. 

“OH yeah!” Bow said with a chuckle breaking his train of thought. “So.. before then, everyone had been calling her She-Hulk.” 

“I wish you would have told us that before dear Mermista and I gave it our all out there.” Seahawk was rubbing his shoulder, sore from trying to out serve Adora. Mermista sighed in agreement.

“I bet she hated that.” Catra cackled out a laugh of her own. Bow nodded and continued. 

“She did actually. Hmm, how do I.. So the marine call is Oorah. People were chanting She-Hulk, which of course was pissing her off and whenever she won we’d all let out a Oorah. Mar-- our friend combined the two and we all started calling her She-Ra. We barely even used her name after that. Even the officers started using it.” He looked thoroughly amused. “It’s weird seeing a man who scared the shit out of you yell ‘She-Ra’ in complete seriousness.” Catra looked back over at her girlfriend who was mid leap. She could see it, it sounded like some ancient warrior name. She-Ra, she thought, godes..nope, warrior of power and volleyball.

The crowd around the net erupted in cheers as Glimmer and Adora high fived, leaving their opponents sweating. Glimmer looked exhausted but Adora had barely looked winded. Catra decided that she might just start exercising again to take advantage of that endurance in a more private setting. 

Glimmer slid into Bow’s arms. 

“I need water and some sort of snack.” She groaned, resting her forehead on his chest.

“You got it dear.” He left with a kiss on the top of her head and started for the kitchen. Adora was beaming at her, and Catra couldn’t help but give her a big smile back. Watching her love be in her element for the first time in years filled her with a joy she hadn’t felt before. Catra knew they were being ‘gross’ and she didn’t care. It was her birthday trip after all right? Scorpia jogged up to Adora, and got in position. 

“You ready?” Scorpia said, it was easy to hear as the crowd quieted, waiting for the start of the destruction of the opposing team. Adora nodded, ball in hand, still holding a gorgeous smile in Catra’s direction. “Alright! Let's kill it She-ra!” Adora’s face scrunched and she smiled awkwardly wide. The uncomfortable grin dropped as she backed up to the serving line, still looking at Catra, searching her until those blue eyes weren’t looking at her anymore. She was looking behind Catra now. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, a sinking feeling settling deep in her gut. She heard the back door shut and Adora brought her attention back to the ball in her hands.

“Yup!” The blonde’s voice was unusually high. She hit the ball with such a force it was barely visible before it hit sand on the other side.

It was one thing to comfort Adora after something unknown happened in her mind, it felt quite different knowing what exactly caused the problem but not being able to say anything about it. It felt awful actually. She could feel the discomfort in every part of Adora’s body. Even when she held Adora as they all watched a movie together her shoulders were tense. It wasn’t so much that she could see it but rather feel Adora boring holes into Bow when he wasn’t looking their way. There were moments when she’d felt the woman relax briefly. Occasionally Adora would bring their intertwined fingers up to her mouth as she layed in Catra’s lap- not paying any attention to the movie and just pressing gentle kisses on the back of her hand. 

Whenever possible Adora was touching her in some way. They weren’t usually the hold hands all day type of couple, stolen kisses sure, but even the other’s noticed. 

“Aw, look at the love birds.” Bow teased as Catra was putting dinner on her plate, Adora’s arms hanging over her shoulders. She noticed Adora clenching her fist. 

“Hey Adora.” Catra tried not to let her rising annoyance into her voice.

“Yes.” The blonde said with a sweet and very fake tone. Catra took a deep breath. 

“Why don’t you go ahead and grab your food and maybe we can eat on the balcony, just the two of us?”

“Sure, If that’s what you want.” Adora didn’t say anything when she ‘bumped’ into Bow on her way to grab her own plate. Catra saw him turn around and look at the back of her, confused. Honestly it was kind of confusing. The story Bow had told them sounded innocuous enough. How fucking triggering could an arm wrestling competition be? It was just a nickname for fuck’s sake. Catra closed her eyes, taking another deep breath. She had to remind herself that she wasn’t actually mad. She was hurting because Adora was. She was right to be annoyed though. Her girlfriend was pretending she was fine and dandy when she clearly wasn’t. Catra tried to ask, with a look of concern after the volleyball match and all she’d gotten was a kiss on the cheek paired with a smile. 

Catra barely touched her food. She knew she couldn’t fix things for Adora, but she at least wished she’d actually say something to her. A thought had been eating at her for a while now. Did Adora not really want to talk about her service at all with her because she was was avoiding it or because of what Catra had said to her growing up? Because of the nasty things she’d said that last night together years ago. 

“It was really fun watching you play today, I missed that.” 

“Oh really?” Adora was smirking and pointed at her chest. “ or did you just miss watching these?” 

“Can’t it be both?” They both let out a small laugh. “ I bet the guys in your platoon were intimidated by you.” Catra tried her best to keep the tone playful. She hadn’t mentioned anything about her service after the first night they’d finally spoken again. 

“Yeah I suppose.” She was obviously trying to keep it playful too, but Adora had always been a terrible actress. The tightness in her body betrayed her voice. Catra pushed her plate aside. 

“Adora.” She crossed her arms and continued. “What’s wrong?” 

“What are you talking about?” Catra couldn’t stop her scoff. 

“Don’t insult me.” It wasn’t a snap, mostly. She said it way calmer than she wanted to. They were staring at each other, not quite a glare. If Adora was feeling something she really needed to start using her words. Was she obviously upset? Yes, to her anyway. This pretend she was playing made Catra feel like shit though since she was there for the catalyst. It felt like lying. Eventually Adora’s gaze fell and she sighed. 

“Look, I just want to let it go for the night.” Adora reached out on the table, asking for Catra’s hand. “I don’t want to make an issue of it.” 

“Oh really?” Catra leaned toward her. “Because it feels like you are.” Adora’s shoulders slumped. 

“I’m sorry Catra. I’ll be fine in the morning okay. I just feel..” Yes, what is it ? There we go. “ feel.. I’ll be fine by tomorrow okay.” Catra sighed. Defeated, she took Adora’s hand that was still reaching for her. 

“Okay.” She managed a smile. “Will you at least stop pretending?” The blonde chewed her lip. 

“Sure.” 

  
  


\-------------

Adora lifted her head to peep at the digital clock on Catra’s side of the bed. 2:40 How dare he? She-Ra. It wasn’t like she was an entirely different person. Adora knew they were the same but She-Ra only existed there. She was born out of need and Adora was desperately trying to leave her behind. It was who she tried to embody every time she pulled the trigger. A fake and fictional version of herself that could do what Adora could not. Yes it was still her, but it made it easier. It was a mindset. A mindset that had no business back here in the states. It had no business being around Catra. 

All night she’d tried to focus on the warmth of the arms around her, on the nails that ran through her hair but she kept dwelling on Bow. How could he not know? He had to have, not once had Bow called her that since they’ve been back. Adora placed a soft kiss on Catra’s forehead, careful not to wake her. Slowly she detangled herself. She was too angry to sleep and the more tired she got the angrier she became. She’d much rather stay wrapped up in Catra, her breath steady against the nape of her neck but Adora needed to go exercise. Do something, anything, so she could center herself. Angry is not how she wanted to spend this weekend, she was not going to ruin Catra’s birthday. 

Thanks to her considerate girlfriend, a sports bra and sweats were easy to find. She didn’t even need shoes. The sandy beach would offer more resistance anyway. She just needed to clear her head. Yelling at Bow could wait until Monday. Mermista and Seahawk were in the living room so she did her best to move silently down the stairs. The light from the kitchen around the corner guided her. Adora was going to get a drink of water, go run for an hour, sleep and in the morning she would be fine, but no it couldn’t be that easy. Her squadmate was holding a glass of water himself and he gave her a sleepy wave. 

“Can’t sleep?” he whispered. She didn’t even realize how close she’d gotten to him when she leaned down inches from his face. Her hands were shaking. 

“What do you fucking think Bow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intentionally no letter this time! You actually already know why, timeline wise. 
> 
> Hope I set this all up correctly * bites nails* Thank you so much for reading and let me know what you think! 
> 
> Also check out my other fic! it should be updated at least weekly. Its a brain vacation from how draining this one is emotionally on me ( I love this don't get me wrong and I love writing it.)


	19. So What..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was too angry coming off the last one to not write the next one so, here's two chapters in less than 12 hours lol.
> 
> thank you to Lunamaru for reading this over and preventing this chapter from being more of an editorial disaster than usual because I wrote it in 2 hours.

July of last year.

\--------------------- 

There was something in her throat, there was something up her nose. 

She blinked and bright lights on the ceiling blinded her. 

Everything hurt. 

Where was she?

Beeping and buzzing. The sound of footsteps.

She lifted her arm. It was stiff, it hurt. Everything hurt. 

“Corporal?” She blinked again.

“Adora Grayskull, do you know where you are?”

The humvee? Her eyelids felt heavy. She wanted to speak but she couldn’t, something was in her throat. 

“You’re at the National Military Hospital in Kabul.” The woman’s voice kept making sounds but she couldn’t understand them. 

Mara… Where was Mara?

Too much pain.

\-------------------

Bow stepped back from her, confused. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” He was whispering still but it was definitely louder this time. 

“Are you serious?” She closed the distance between them again, not quite as close this time. “Sheeee-raaaaa Bow?” A wheel of emotions flashed over the man’s face, hurt, confusion, realization, surprise, and finally landed on annoyed.

“So what?” He hissed back. “That’s what everyone called you. The fucking….” He ran his eyes over Adora and let out a frustrated puff of air. “The crowd thing reminded me of the arm wrestling, okay? What's the big deal?” He started to step to the side, but Adora placed her arm against the wall next to him. No, they were doing this now. There was no going back. 

“When have I ever…” Her voice was low, pushed through her clenched teeth. “ - _ ever _ been okay with telling people about shit like that? Telling Catra about that?” Bow threw his hands up, mouth open, she could see in his eyes that he was getting ready to fight back even more. 

“Shit like what, Adora? It was a fun story. Jesus!” He tapped the back of his hand on her shoulder. “Get a hold of yourself, Grayskull.” Bow had never been scared of her, not like some people she’d gone off on. They’d actually fought once before. Part of the reason she’d gone to see Hope. They were both drunk. Adora wasn’t drunk this time, she was pissed. Bow wasn’t short but he was a lot smaller in general. 

“Touch me again, Bow.” Adora threatened, her voice low and hoarse, trying not to wake up anyone else. “And now it's Grayskull? Not She-Ra? Why not?” Bow ground his teeth and leaned against the wall. He tilted his head up and took a deep breath. Adora waited as his chest heaved until he let out one long slow exhale. 

“Look, I’m sorry, but what am I allowed to talk about? I was there too, Adora.” Bow still sounded angry but was a bit calmer now. Fuck. Her mind was blank. There was a point there somewhere, but in her current state it was hard to think about. It still wasn’t right though. She straightened a bit. “It wasn’t all bad all the time you know.” 

Adora stared at him, her lips pressed together, heart pounding, fists even tighter at her sides now. 

“Fuck you!” Adora shouted. Bow looked around panicked, holding a finger to his lips. She said it with a hushed tone this time, unable to control the twisted smirk on her face. “Fuck you,” she hissed. “Not all bad?” She cocked her head to the side, making sure his eyes were on her. “Not all bad? Maybe not for you.” Stepping back she broadly gestured over herself. A presentation of her scars and muscles. “You know why Bow? Because I did what you couldn’t.” Bow looked confused by her last statement. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Hmmm..” She tapped her chin mock ponderance. “There’s a few instances.” Adora couldn’t remember the last time she was this angry. In fact she didn’t think she’d ever been this angry. Why was it that as soon as she started to feel better-started to feel hopeful about something- that goddamned uniform was forced back on her, the familiar weight of a gun slung over her shoulder. 

She could feel the chin strap of the helmet pressed against her throat. The thunk of shrapnel that her helmet saved her from. The private next to her hadn’t been so lucky. He had needed 67 stitches in his face. Adora could feel her heart racing, squeezing. It hurt. Why, why, why, when she had just felt so good?! The car ride was easy. She’d actually done it. Catra had opened the door and all she saw were possibilities. Now Bow had knocked on the one door she’d been trying so hard to keep closed. The one that kept flying open for no goddamn reason.

“How many flowers Bow?” She let her words linger, he didn’t catch on. “How many flowers do you think she picked?” Bow stilled. “Who do you think they were for? Her sister maybe?” Adora stepped closer to him again, inches between their noses, daring him to look away. “You want She-ra? That’s her. That’s me, doing what you couldn’t do, because you couldn’t have fucking done it. I’m the one that had to do it!” She could see his eyes grow dark, his breath picking up again. 

“That’s She-Ra, that’s me! I had that fucking honor!” The knot in her stomach tightened with the pressure in her chest. It was so hard to breath. A familiar tingle in her skull buzzed, her knees felt weak. Bow’s hands shot out and pushed her backwards. Her hand slapped onto the island to steady herself. Something clattered to the ground, ringing against the tile floor. The panic that had been building subsided a little. It was time for She-Ra. Adora caught his left fist but missed his right as it connected with her nose. Folding his caught arm into his body she pushed him hard against the wall. Bow stepped back into her and she raised her fist to return the favor. 

“ENOUGH!” 

No. No, no. They both froze and Adora snapped her head around. Catra was at the other end of the island separating the kitchen from the dining room. She looked tired and pissed. Something wet rolled across Adora’s lips. Her nose was bleeding. Adora scowled at Bow and ripped a washcloth from a cabinet door. The room grew brighter as the light from the living room flicked on. Her hand was already on the handle for the back door. 

\------------

“What the hell is going on?” Glimmer was next to her now. Catra just shook her head, staring at the door Adora just slammed shut. 

“You get your idiot and I’ll get mine.” Jesus. It’s not like she’d never seen Adora get in a brawl before. There were plenty of times in highschool where she’d laid someone flat. This was different though. When they were young, it was usually someone who’d she caught harassing some poor kid. Sometimes it was even someone Catra had gotten in a fight with. She’d never seen Adora start one. Let it go for the night huh? Corner Bow in the middle of the night? What in the actual fuck. If she’d been this pissed off she should have talked to her. 

Didn’t Adora know that she’d understand? She loved her. Not only that but she actually got it. This was her only a few years ago. With a deep breath and a few arm shakes, she opened the door. The motion light was on and she could see Adora sitting on a far chair, facing away from her. The warm orange of the porch light contrasting with the cool blue of the moon made the scars on her back almost shimmer. The lights were lapping over them with every rise and fall of her chest. Her face was tilted upward with a cloth pressed to her nose. Catra was shaking, she needed to calm down. There was a moment where she thought she’d have to physically separate them. She should have stopped them sooner. 

Catra had no idea that Bow was going to shove her. Brave man. Catra knew she’d never hurt her, but just her sheer size was intimidating at times. They’d fought as kids a few times, even when they were at their angriest they’d never even left a mark. Adult Adora would never do that. Right? Just the thought made her feel guilty. Of course not. It wasn’t her fault that she was big. It wasn’t her fault that this was happening either, not really. Just like it wasn’t Catra’s fault as a child. Responsible for it? Yes. Fault? No.

It might have been in the 80’s during the day but it was cold now. Chilled winds of ocean air left goosebumps on her arms. When the loud “Fuck You” had woken her up, thanks Sharron, she hadn’t exactly thought about getting completely dressed. Panicked, she threw on the nearest shirt and hurried down the stairs. Catra sat down in the chair next to Adora’s and stared at the ground. 

“How much of that did you hear?” That’s what she was worried about? Catra sucked her teeth.

“I came down shortly after the ‘fuck you’.” Adora sighed. They stayed there quietly for a while, the rag occasionally leaving her face to check if it was still bleeding. Catra was being pulled in many directions. She was bitter that this happened at all but also she wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her it was okay. She was livid at Bow though she didn’t know what she would have done in his situation. Catra didn’t fully grasp what Adora had said to him but obviously it was something pretty bad. 

“Are you okay?” Catra asked. Her girlfriend nodded, finally bringing the towel down “I get it, you know.” She caught herself bouncing her foot, opting to gently tap fingers on her knee instead. Catra saw Adora’s eyes flicker to the action. “Think about it, Adora. When I was a kid, hell, not even five years ago even.” The blonde shook her head. 

“It’s not the same.” Words formed in her brain, daring her tongue to say them. They hurt her just as much as they’d hurt Adora. They weren’t true but what if they were?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Catra swallowed hard, doing her best to resist that side of her.

“No.” Adora wrapped her arms around herself and bent over, head between her knees. Catra felt hot angry tears starting to form. “You don’t have to tell me what it’s about Adora. You can come to me with just what you’re feeling.” Her voice was cracking. “I can be there for you.” 

Adora didn’t say anything. 

“So what..?” Catra muttered. “I’m good enough to fuck the sad out of you but not good enough to talk to?” The words burned on their way out. After a few very heavy heartbeats, she heard Adora choke down a sob.

“I’m going to bed.” Adora stood, doing her best to hide the panic attack that was taking over. Catra could see it plain as day. Catra was screaming at herself internally. You selfish fuck. Why did you have to say that? 

“Adora..” She kept walking. “Adora... I’m ..” With a few steps she’d caught up with her. “Do you..” Catra cleared her throat. “-do you not want me in there?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“I’d like to be there for you.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at the woman in front of her. “I’m sorry. I’m just.. Worried. I shouldn’t have said that. That’s not how I feel.” But it was actually, deep down. Logically she knew that wasn’t the truth, but that didn’t mean it didn’t stick to her once she thought it. 

“Okay.” Her tone was flat. Adora reached for her hand. Her fingers felt limp in Catra’s palm. 

Catra pressed her girlfriend’s head against her chest as she trembled and shook. Once the door to the bedroom had closed Adora fell onto the bed almost immediately, her muscles twitching. Catra squeezed her as tightly as she could. She’d never seen Adora so small and curled up, pressing her elbows to her knees. 

This was all she could do. Catra felt numb, she knew what this felt like. She copied some of what Emily had done for her. She knew how much of a toll it took to hide. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say in the end notes this time. Uh.. let me know how you're feeling, what you're thinking?


	20. Teach Me How To

July of last year

Adora gave a weak smile and lifted her arm slightly for a thumbs up. Stitches in her back pulled at the movement. He took the picture and she relaxed.

Bow lowered his phone and stepped closer to her, careful to avoid the flowers at her bedside, placing a kiss on her forehead. 

“We’re all so glad you’re okay.” She didn’t respond. How could she? “I’m especially glad.” There was something he wasn’t telling her. 

“Bow..” her voice was still hoarse. He stilled and looked away from her. 

“Bow…please tell me..” He grabbed her hand. “Bow.. please, she’s okay right?” Her friend continued to stare at the wall, his face tight and obviously trying not to break down at her cracking voice. 

“Bow. No. No. Bow, please.” 

Adora didn’t know how long she’d slept for after he left. It was night now and she was alone. **_She_** would be awake though right? The one person in the whole world she wanted to talk to. The person she needed the most. The one person who could make it okay. At first the text was three paragraphs, which she promptly deleted. She rewrote it four times before finally landing something that felt right. That told just enough without making her feel obligated simply by the details around it.

  
  


I miss you so fucking much Catra. Please talk to me. I need you. I know that's not fair and I’m sorry. I don’t care if its been years, I just want to hear your voice. 

Adora stared at her phone for hours until the blue check popped up under the message. She waited.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Catra was scared to touch her. Adora was laying next to her, one arm over her head and one around her stomach. She was afraid it would feel different, distant, after what she’d said. She never should have said it, thought it. Once they formed they felt like vice on her heart. Some thoughts were like that, especially the bad ones. Catra had to pass them on to someone else before they started to gnaw. Guess she hadn’t grown out of that completely yet. She placed her hand over Adora’s anyway. 

The woman turned. Listless blue eyes met hers, she hadn’t been asleep. From the bridge of her nose to below her left eye was a flare of purple and blue. It wrapped around her eye in a dark halfmoon. Her nose didn’t look broken though. A small fire joined the guilt and anxiousness resting inside of her. 

“How’s the nose?”

“Hurts.” Adora reached up and touched Catra’s face. Surprised, she let Adora guide her. The kiss was chaste and she took extra care to not bump her nose. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, fingers tracing behind Catra’s ear. “I didn’t know he’d... I was going to go on a run.” Catra pulled back a bit, taking in her girlfriend's expression. Either Adora had gotten better at lying or no matter how damning it looked, it was true. She definitely hadn’t gotten better, weeks opting for just avoiding instead of telling an outright lie helped Catra decide that. “I’m sorry.” She repeated. 

“I am too.” 

Catra waited for more, it didn’t come. Adora just wrapped her arms around her, pulling her to her chest. She closed her eyes, pressing an ear just above her breast, listening. Catra wasn’t sure how to feel about this. Was she upset with Adora? Yes, but she was much more upset at herself, for what she said.   
  


“What I said last night, I didn’t..” Catra started only to be interrupted with a strained ‘It’s okay.’ She lifted her head and glared at Adora. That was an obvious lie. The blonde sighed underneath her. 

“Okay, it’s not fine.” Adora looked away from her. “I just can’t right now.” Catra sat up and started to pull back further until a gentle hand grabbed her wrist. “That doesn’t mean never.” Adora was meeting her eyes again. “I’m just.. I want to talk to you about stuff. I just can’t yet. That and I’m really embarrassed about last night. I said some things I shouldn’t have last night too. I’m not mad at you Catra. I deserved that.” 

“You absolutely did not.” She napped back, unable to stop herself. 

“I did.” She pointed at her nose. “I deserved this too. You don’t know how deep I cut him.” Catra sent her gaze up to the ceiling, chewing her tongue, trying to calm back down. “I want to try Catra. I just can’t right now, I’ve got to fix what I did first.” 

“I’m supposed to just be okay with someone hitting you?” . 

“And that starts with you Catra. I’ll stop pretending okay. I can start doing this at least.” Adora continued, ignoring the question. She sat up, hands pressed against the mattress behind her, now eye to eye with Catra. “Right now. I’m embarrassed, I'm mad at myself and I love you. I hurt you last night too.” She closed her eyes and sighed as Adora pressed her forehead to hers. This was what she wanted right? It felt off still. Adora was being honest with her but she wanted to argue. That wasn’t the offer she held out last night. Just listen, just listen and be there. 

“Okay Dor’.” Even if Catra didn’t think she should feel that way about herself, this was a start. She felt Adora shake and her eyes shot open, worried. Her girlfriend was pressing her lips together, trying not to laugh. “What?” 

“Dor?” and she was laughing now, falling back onto the bed. “That’s so cute. But uh, do I have a knob? How about hinges?” Catra groaned and slid off the bed. It had slipped out without thought.

“Fine then, idiot it is.” She felt the heat rise in her face in spite of all the tangled emotions. Catra was biting back a smile, she needed to stay a little angry for what she needed to do. It was good to hear her laugh though, some light returning to her eyes. Even with a black eye Adora was still the most beautiful person she’d ever seen, especially when she was laughing. Catra bent down and ran her fingers through the short blonde hair, the laughter coming to an end in an amused hum. It was one of Catra’s many favorite Adora sounds. 

“Why don’t you shower and I’ll go get some ice and pain meds for the swelling.” Catra said, more of a question than an order but she hoped her girlfriend would comply. The shower would keep her upstairs long enough for her to do what she needed to. Adora chewed at her lip again. 

“Do you think… you could bring me something to eat too? I don't know if I’m ready to face everyone yet.” Adora’s eyes flicked down and then back up, surprised. “Also you might want to change your shirt.” Catra looked down. The cream colored tee had a large red stain on it. Adora’s nose had started bleeding again last night. She’d started crying even harder against Catra’s chest and they quickly had to grab tissues. She hadn’t thought about her shirt. Thankfully none had gotten on the bed. 

“Yeah I can do that.” 

Catra pretended to look for a shirt until the water of the ensuite shower turned on. The bloody shirt would be better. A few texts had told her that Seahawk and Mermista had headed out to the water already. Perfuma and Scorpia were doing morning yoga outside if she wanted to join. That was an hour ago anyway so even if she had they’d be done. As she reached the bottom of the steps she saw Bow at the far end of the living room, looking at her, looking behind her. He smiled awkwardly and slumped back down, turning back to do the window. Soon. 

Glimmer was in the kitchen already, staring at the contents of the fridge. 

“How is she?” She asked her as Catra grabbed the peanut butter they’d brought from the pantry. 

“Honestly, not sure.” Glimmer frowned at her. They remained silent as Catra reached around her to snatch the bag of sliced apples from the fridge. A real breakfast would be nice but a quick clean exit was best. “Embarrassed, I think.” Catra didn’t want to give her the confirmation that Adora was, in fact, embarrassed but excuse enough for her to stay up stairs, unbothered, for as long as she needed. “Do we have any sandwich bags?” 

“Bow is too and yeah I think I saw some.” After a few cabinets were opened Catra filled two bags with ice and fished out a few ibuprofen from her day bag that was near the back door. She left the food and one bag of ice on the island nearest the stairs. 

Bow didn’t look up at her until she placed the bag of ice and a few pills on the table next to the armchair he was sitting on. She stepped back and stared down at him. He noticed the blood stain on Catra’s shirt and his mopey expression fell even more. 

“I’m sorry.” He said with a sigh, rubbing his face in his hands. “Can you tell her I want to apologize, when she’s ready. I’m not mad at her, and I shouldn’t have done any of it.” 

“I am.” Catra gestured for Bow to stand. “I’m mad.” She continued. Bow sighed and stood up. 

“It’s complicated Catra, I..” Catra didn’t punch him as hard as Adora would have last night, but it should leave a decent bruise. Bow groaned in pain and plopped back down on the chair, one hand over his eye. Catra kept an even expression and walked calmly back to the island to gather the other bag of ice and their makeshift breakfast. She didn’t dare look at Glimmer, laser focused on her destination. Once she was sure her figure was well hidden in the stairwell she smiled so wide it hurt.

  
  


\---------

Adora should’ve gone down stairs right away. She’d made sure she’d talk to Catra as soon as she was awake. If she hadn’t, she might not have talked at all. It was stupid to wait to go downstairs. Every hour that passed by made it that much more awkward. She needed to talk to Bow and Catra had told her that he was wanting to. Why then was it so hard to open that door and walk down stairs? 

It had taken countless reassurances to convince Catra that she could in fact go join her friends. Catra kept saying that she’d rather lay in bed anyway but Adora couldn’t not notice the worry in her face when she didn’t think Adora was looking. She felt it in the way Catra held her. This was supposed to be her birthday trip and she wasn’t about to ruin it any more than she already had. Adora wasn’t supposed to be the problem, she was supposed to fix the problems. 

Bow was right. How much had he been holding back all this time because of her? Everything about that time she wanted to forget but he was there too. Maybe she could be more like him? Focus on the good, what little of it that still made her smile. It's not like forcing it down had been working, not when she was alone. Filling her mind with Catra, focusing on her, was the only thing that truly shut those memories away. It had been a blessing really- that Catra had not talked to her during that time. While Adora had thought of her constantly, real Catra was removed from the past. There’d been no sobbing phone calls, no heated admissions of the monstrosities she’d witnessed and participated in. She desperately wanted to keep it that way. 

There could be room for the good right? Even the happy memories were complicated, entangled with the memories of Mara. Mara who would be doing fine right now. Mara who wouldn’t have dropped out of school and hidden it from her friends and partner. Maybe if she started chasing some memories she could untangle the mess she’d made burying them. 

After she wrote this note, she’d go down. The possibility of a motorcycle made her thankful that she’d put Catra’s gift in a small box rather than wrapping it. Adora held up the chain to the necklace that her mother’s friends had sent her. Adora got updates from her old neighbors every few months since her mother’s passing last year. It was a cheesy little thing, a thing a child had picked out. It was beautiful though. A small gold lion on a thin chain. Catra had picked it out for her many Mother’s Days ago. Her mother rarely took it off, she’d also done her best to not look at it when Catra pulled her up to the jewelry counter to buy it. 

Adora slipped her note under Spinny and Netossa’s, and rested the necklace on both. Her mother’s friends, their neighbors, had been so excited to hear about Catra again. Hopefully this note would surprise her and then they could all catch up over the phone, or in person now. Adora’s small slip of paper was simply explaining that she hadn’t been back yet and how that she wanted Catra to go with her this spring. By then she’d have plenty of experience on a bike. It's not like she had anything else to study.

They were going to get so much shit from their old neighbors. Years of knowing looks made so much more sense now. When Adora first saw Spiny and Netossa they were moving in, newlywed and just starting to build a life together. Adora had dragged shy Catra over to their driveway as they were unloading. Even as an adult it was still embarrassing to remember what seven year old her had said. 

“Are you sisters?!” Adora had said, if she had a sister, surely she’d want to buy a house with her, with Catra too of course. Netossa laughed, setting a box down on the porch to greet her new neighbors. 

“Nope, we’re married! That’s my wife.” She said, pointing to the woman walking through the front door. Spinneralla’s eyes filled with excitement and she rushed to join her in this impromptu interrogation. Netossa planted a kiss on her wife’s cheek before returning the question.

“How about you two?” She said. “Sisters?” They both shook their heads and Adora felt Catra’s hand squeeze hers possessively. 

“Nope.” Catra said firmly and placed a rushed and unexpected kiss on Adora’s cheek, mirroring the women in front of them. “We’re married too.” She said matter of factly in which Adora just nodded excitedly in agreement. 

Adora’s face was burning as she slid the box back into her bag. She hadn’t told them that her and Catra were actually together now. It would be best to wait until Catra was on the phone with them too so she wouldn’t have to take the full brunt of their teasings and ‘about time’s’. If it was just that innocent childhood moment it would be one thing, but Adora knew how obvious they’d always been now in hindsight.

If today was going to be a day for embarrassment, maybe she could roll with that. Show Bow that she was wrong. Adora put in her headphones. It might be embarrassing to do either way but at least she was going to do it well. A few rounds of practice first, trying to remember what Mara and Bow worked so hard to teach her. Something she got endless snickers for by the rest of the squad. 

“How hard can it be to move your hips Greyskull.” She muttered to herself, smiling. 

\------------------------

Catra was about to text Adora when glass from the house rattled. Heavy bass bled through the walls. Everyone was outside and all their attention shot to the house. She closed her book and turned in her seat. 

“Is that?” What in the hell? Bow and Glimmer rushed past her to the door and she was quick to follow. 

“Adventure?” Seahawk called out, dragging Mermista from her seat. 

Bow opened the door and stopped in the kitchen. 

_Put your arms out front, lean side to side_

Adora was in the living room, the couch pushed the side. She was in a white tank top and grey sweats. Not unusual for her but not what she’d been wearing a few hours ago. She smiled wide at Bow, her eyes shooting a hurried glance at Catra. A silent ‘What the hell.’ at Bow’s new black eye. Catra gave her a small shrug.

_They gonna be on you when they see you hit dat dougie right?_

“IT WASN’T ALL BAD!” Adora yelled over the music, her hips moving side to side, arms pushing away from the direction she was leaning. 

_Ain't nobody fuckin' with my bro from Morningside_

“I’M SORRY BOW!” Adora dug into the lean, arms popping up and moving up and over her head. This obviously was something more than just moving with the music. Bow was laughing. 

“I’M SORRY TOO!” Bow bounced up next to Adora, falling right in step with her. Catra saw Glimmer pull her phone out. What a memory this was going to be. Two buff dorks with black eyes dancing to a generation’s old song in beach and lounge wear. 

_Bitches be stuck to me I think they tryna glue me_

Adora winked at her. If she hadn’t been speechless from her girlfriend’s method of absolution she probably would be laughing. Adora had never been the best dancer, the rhythm she had that night at the club actually surprised her. This was embarrassing to watch but not because it was bad. In fact Catra wasn’t sure she could do any better. 

_I make the party shine bright when it start to gloomin'_

“ADORA!” Glimmer yelled, pointing at her phone. “CAN I?” Sparkles pointed at her now, as if Catra wasn’t already baffled enough. Adora paused for a moment, and then nodded, shooting a devilish grin at Catra. 

_This beat was bubblegum so I had to chew it_

Glimmer hadn’t been recording at all, she’d been searching. The video wasn’t very bright but she could clearly see three figures not far from the screen. It was dark and dimly lit outside and they all wore desert digital camo pants, tan boots and were in different stages of dress for their tops. All Adora had on was a tan shirt and a hat that matched her pants. She could see Bow and a woman who looked familiar on either side of her.

_Teach me how to dougie_

They moved slowly, Adora copying them. Soldiers around and behind them moving to their own rhythm. They were all clearly hammered. Adora’s face flushed more when Bow on screen grabbed her hips and pushed them. 

_T-teach me how to dougie_

Catra slapped her hand over her mouth to stop the laughter. They fucking taught her how to dougie. She couldn’t hear the audio over the music blasting but obviously this is what Adora was doing. Apparently it had evolved into more than just this ridiculous dancing lesson. Catra had gotten posed and planned photos from her over the years but this felt special. It was something live, a moment of Adora’s life. 

Adora was smiling at her when she looked up and Catra returned the expression. Hopefully her and Bow would actually talk later but this must have taken her forever to actually talk herself into. 

They were back at the chorus again when Catra grabbed glasses and lined them up on the counter. She unscrewed the bottle of Jack.

_T-teach me how to dougie_

_All my bitches love me_

She was definitely going to be in charge of the music after this. It was her birthday after all.

_All my, all my bitches love me_

_All my bitches love me_

Catra was certainly going to play this song again though, especially if she could see Adora smile like that about something from her past. She could show her that she was safe to show this too, that she didn’t hate it.

Everyone grabbed a glass, pouring their own favorite poison. 

_You ain't fuckin' with my dougie!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter isn't too different. I also hope you enjoyed. Ahhh we're almost there friends, to something big. Let me know what you think in the comments. I'm about halfway done with next chapter of Blood, Dust n' Mud. It was supposed to be easier but beginning's are hard to narrow down to the important stuff. No beta reader this time so hopefully the grammar isn't to bad
> 
> Song is obviously Teach Me How To Dougie by Cali Swag District. This scene has been in my head for weeks, always this song.
> 
> Comments always very appreciated!


	21. I'm Just So... Happy

(Written in the corner of the front of the pamphlet in blue ink: ) 

Catra, 

\------------

(A photo of Mara in her naval petty officers uniform sits above the text.)

In Loving Memory. ( Printed below her picture in bold gold font.) 

Petty Officer Hospital Corpsman Mara J. Fyrth

(A small box of text, white black and gold:)

Mara died honorably and dutifully saving the life of her fellow soldiers on the field of combat. She touched the lives of many back in her home town of Madison, Wisconsin as well as in her 5 years of service as Corpsman to 1st Battalion, 10th Marines.

She is survived by two mothers, Jane and Lauren Fyrth, one sister, Hope Fyrth and her fiance Markus Wekks.

(The front is taped to keep the pamphlet from opening. The edges are well worn and creased.) 

(In the bottom corner in blue ink: ) 

She’s gone.

\---------------------------------------

Catra’s fingers traced small circles on her sleeping beauty’s back as she scrolled through her phone. Adora wasn’t much for naps but it wasn’t a surprise that she fell asleep nuzzled against her stomach on the couch. She hadn’t gotten much sleep in these past few days. Catra smiled at the video Mermista posted from last night. Adora and Bow were teaching them all the steps to their dance, all of them a little too drunk for a smooth performance. 

After last night, she too was hoping to sleep in. It was hard to be grumpy though at how she was woken up, in the dorkiest way possible. 

“One.” Her eyes flew open to Adora pressing a kiss on her cheek. “Two.” Adora kissed her again. Adora was already fully dressed and peppered her with kisses, counting all the way to twenty three. 

“I’d rather have spankings.” Catra said, trying to sound annoyed but she knew it was overshadowed by her smile. Adora snickered. 

“Maybe, after breakfast. I worked hard you know.” Adora was still looming over her, making her hungry for something else entirely. Also, she still didn’t want to get out of bed yet.

“Oh did you now?” She replied, caressing the sharp jawline. She pulled Adora close enough to nibble gently on her chin to which her girlfriend hummed in pleased response. Catra was worried after what she’d said, that Adora would pull away from her, but she didn’t, she didn’t last night either. She felt a strong arm push its way under her shoulder, the other threw back the sheet and tucked quickly under her knees before she could react. “What are you…” By the time words were coming out of Catra’s mouth she was well in Adora’s arms, pressed into her chest. 

“Nice try birthday girl. You’re coming down for breakfast.” Catra groaned and dangled her head over Adora’s arm. 

“Please no, I can’t do breakfast with them.” Adora frowned at her, her brows furrowed in consern and Catra sighed. “You don't understand, even when you aren’t there Bow and Glimmer make it weird. Its not like bad , its just.. They are really weird.” 

“How so? Or….” she drew it out. “Is it that you’re worried that Glimmer is going to punch you?” Adora said with a raised brow, she pressed her chin against Catra’s shoulder digging into it lightly. God she felt so small when Adora picked her up. 

“No, I told you we talked about that last night.” Sort of, a fragile agreement of never again. Catra then went on to explain the teasing that happened every morning when she was near them. It might be different with the others around but Catra hadn’t taken the risk so far this weekend, taking the furthest seat possible. It’s not like it was actually all that awful but it felt like losing. Couldn’t she just eat in peace? 

“How about we turn the tables on them.” Adora said with a smirk and headed for the door. 

“Adora!” Catra screeched, twisting in her grasp and kicking the door back shut with her foot from her girlfriend's arms. The blonde scoffed, annoyed. 

“What the hell Catra?” Her voice sounded tight and full of hurt. 

“Birthday suit!” She replied with a huff. Adora finally noticed that Catra was in nothing but her underwear, her face glowing a shade of pink as she put Catra down. 

  
  


Catra stifled the laugh, not wanting to wake Adora up, as she recalled Glimmer choking on her orange juice. She moved her hand to run gently threw soft blonde locks instead. Idiot was always a joke, a pet name, her girlfriend was so very smart and clever. Not many people were able to match her own sarcasm but Adora did it with little effort. It was even more satisfying to watch her turn that quick wit and dirty humor against other people. 

“You know, you ruined my breakfast Bow.” Adora had said quietly, just loud enough for the three of them to hear. Him and Glimmer looked at her confused. Catra wasn’t sure where she was going with this but judging by how easily should embarrass her she let Adora take the lead. Catra offered a disappointed sigh and murmured “Sure did.” Adora lifted a finger and used it to trace a circle over her own nose and eye. 

“My nose hurts too much...” she let the words hang, waiting for the glass to reach Glimmer’s lips. “... to eat Catra out like I wanted to.” Catra ended up laughing too hard to stay still and had to walk away, her friends trying to figure out what had her howling so early in the morning. 

“Revenge.” Was all the answer she ended up giving them.

Eventually her fingers found their way to one of the many scars just below her neck, pausing her mindless scrolling. She often caught herself imagining how they happened but also tried not to notice them. Catra had warned Scorpia and Perfuma not to ask about them the first time they met Adora. The way the ex-marine hid the one she’d laid eyes on that first day was enough information for her at the time. The scars weren’t subtle once you were close enough. Eventually she noticed Adora’s pattern. If she was going to class, they were mostly covered. Sweats, sweaters or t-shirts were her go to. In situations she felt comfortable or could leave, Adora loved showing off her body, as she well should. 

Catra pulled up Adora’s profile. The recent pictures were mostly of the two of them or just pictures of Catra and her artwork. She’d been through her picture’s before, trying to find some hidden answer to the question that burned inside of her from that first night. A question that became heavier with every passing week. What happened to you? It wasn’t just the scars. It was obvious that Adora had PTSD and was doing her best to hide it. The pills she took everyday were a dead give away even if Catra hadn’t been suspicious of anything else. Prazosin was the number one drug for a combat veteran’s peaceful night’s sleep. It’s not like Adora had blood pressure issues, which was it’s other use.

There had been a late night alone where she scrolled as quickly as possible after she saw the uniform pop up on her phone screen. When she scrolled far enough, fast enough, she could see Adora get incrementally happier. She could see the smile in her eyes that she’d seen in highschool, the light in her eyes that Catra saw whenever Adora looked at her. Catra would give anything to make her look like that all the time. Friday night had gotten the better of Adora. Catra had years of love and safety and she still had issues. Adora hasn’t even been back a year.

Love is what makes it hard, made it hurt, to see her struggling, to see Adora hide from her. Why did she hide so much? Did Adora not know the unpayable debt that Catra owed her? That she and her mother had been the only reason her childhood wasn’t just a massive blur? How much worse she could have become if not for them? If Adora had decided to cut ties with her because of her violent outbursts? She wanted to repay her, to love her, to make up for those three years that she had abandoned her. 

Laughter burst into the room as the door opened. Catra’s hand shot up, waving for their attention. Once she had it she brought her finger up to her lips. Scorpia’s eyes glistened as she crept closer. It's not like it was the first time she’d seen them snuggled up a couch like this but Scorpia acted like they were a basket of kittens every time she saw it. Catra actually loved it though she’d never say so. 

“30 more minutes.” Catra whispered. “Then I’m all yours Scorp.” Boisterous singing shattered the languid calm once more but Seahawk was quickly hushed by Mermista. He sent her an apologetic smile that Catra returned to him. Seahawk and Mermista being together was a mystery to her but it was obvious that they loved each other. It was something she didn’t really get until recently. That you could see it in the way the two people looked at each other. Hawk was an alright guy even if he wasn’t Catra’s cup of tea, even if no matter how hard she pressed the night before he refused to spoil the surprise he had planned for this evening. He shouldn’t have mentioned it at all if he didn’t want people pestering him about it. 

Catra tucked a mussed lock of hair behind Adora’s ear and took a picture of her own. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. Catra set the phone down, content to just stare and stroke the back of Adora’s head. They had so much time to make up for. This weekend was truly a blessing. Adora might have caught up on her homework but Catra had fallen behind. She’d been spending more time at Adora’s apartment than the studio. Whenever she asked she seemed reluctant to go and Catra didn’t want to leave her alone. When they got home tomorrow afternoon she was going to have to practically move into the studio, no matter how much she didn’t want to. 

Adora had been right Friday night, when she said it wasn’t the same. It had just taken Catra a bit to realize it. It had taken her thinking about what she’d over heard Adora say to Bow. 

“I had that fucking honor.” Catra had never chosen to be abused, no matter how much Sharron said it was her fault. Adora had signed up for violence, even if she didn’t realize it at the time. It was different. It wasn’t exactly easy but it had to have been easier to forgive her younger self than whatever her love was going through right now. “I’m the one that had to do it.” The details around the “it” remained a mystery but once again it was easy to guess parts of it. They carried around guns, not “we come in peace” signs. My sweet, brave, gentle, selfless, idiot. 

Adora had always had a habit of trying to carry the weight of other people, often at her own expense. When they were younger and Catra couldn’t sleep she would stay up late with her even if she had practice early in the morning. They’d curl up and talk in that twin bed that Catra had always been thankful became slightly to small for the both of them. It allowed her more excuses to press close to her. Adora would jump into fights that Catra had started and then take the blame no matter how much she would protest, simply because she knew Sharron would hear about it otherwise. No doubt Adora did the same in the desert along with refusing to accept the same action returned back to her.

Did she protect Bow like she’d protected her? As fucked up as she felt about it, Catra had started to grow jealous of Glimmer. It was thoughts she’d squash down as soon as they popped up, but they had been popping up more frequently. Glimmer of course cared about Adora, and showed the same concern when Adora would silently disappear, for sometimes hours, but she never had to watch Bow do that. 

Did Bow change like Adora had, over the years? He wasn’t un-phased, he too would space out from time to time. Catra tried not to compare them but couldn’t stop herself. Adora let out a small huff when Catra’s fingers stopped their gentle touches behind her ear. She felt herself smile. Did she know how fucking precious she was? Catra didn’t say it as often as she thought it. She needed to tell her stuff like that more. It always came so easy out of Adora’s lips. Maybe she should paint her again and then she could show Adora the incredible person she saw. Catra picked up her phone again.

There were so many pictures on Bow’s profile. He even posted a photo of the shiner she’d given him. The caption said _“Girlfriends don’t fuck around.”_ A short, sharp laugh left her but thankfully it didn’t cause the blonde to stir. Catra was surprised by how many photos she was in that Bow posted. When Adora came back into her life she had no idea that she’d have two more people to care about too. Her old therapist would be so proud.

It took a bit longer for her to get to the uniform’s she was used to searching for. Bow looked.. okay. He didn’t look quite as listless as Adora had but he did look exhausted. The pictures of them together made that glaringly obvious. She sped up her scrolling, pausing after a few months passed. There were changes, but near the end he had actually looked happy compared to the photo she was staring at now. 

“Hmm.. Ten more minutes.” Adora mumbled and crawled further up her, moving from her stomach to her chest. God she was heavy. 

“You got it beautiful.” She whispered, her free hand finding its way back to her head once again. Adora let out a soft content moan and relaxed once more. It was interesting how different the pictures were. Bow captures moments while Adora focused on the world around her. Sunsets and rises, plants and animals. 

She almost scrolled right past it. A vase of gold chrysanthemums and red zinnias were the brightest colors in the photo, standing bright against the greys and whites. The Iv tubes ran behind the flowers and into a bruised arm raised in a thumbs up. The dull purples and yellows on her chest were barely visible over the collar of the hospital gown. Catra could feel her heart pounding, rising by the second. Her hand was starting to shake. She looked so pale, so fragile, Catra had never seen her like this before. The deep bags under her eyes were worse than when she’d been running herself to the bone.

_“Breathing tube is out! Our girl said she loves you all and thank you for the flowers. Doctor’s told her three months but we all know Adora!”_ Her eyes locked onto the small italicized text above the caption.

The knife she had pushed inside herself the day Adora left on the bus without Catra saying goodbye, the knife that grew more jagged with each unanswered text plunged the rest of the way in when she saw the date. The pinch between her shoulder blades was sharp and deep. 

“Catra?” She quickly pressed the lock button on her phone and snapped to the blurry face in front of her. The weight on her chest was gone but it was even harder to breath. How could she ever forget that date? A thumb caressed her cheek, leaving a wet trail across her face. “Baby, what's wrong?” A low rumbling sound willed its way out. It was a date she’d read a hundred times over. The last text message she’d received from Adora, the one begging to talk to her, begging just for the sound of her voice. Catra pressed her lips together, not trusting herself to remain silent. She didn’t realize how badly she was shaking until she tried to touch Adora’s face. “Catra.” 

She did the only thing she thought to do, and kissed her. Pained noises poured out of her every time their lips parted. Adora didn’t move at first, not until the fourth or fifth time Catra desperately clashed against her did she start to kiss her back, gently, cautiously. Catra tried to kiss her as if she could undo every mistake she’d ever made, every brush an apology. The pain in her back and the lump in her throat just got worse. 

“Catra, you’re scaring me, what’s wrong.” She didn’t feel very in control of her body but she managed to shake her head. Adora grabbed her wrist gently, trying to steady the trembling hand against her cheek.

“No.. its..” Somehow her voice pushed past the rocks in her throat. “I just love you so much.” Catra kissed her again. “I’m just so... Happy.” She nodded with her words, at this point unable to even make out more than colors through tears. “I’m just so happy to spend my-” The sob came out in spite of herself “-my birthday with you again.” Catra slid out from under her and stood up, steadying herself on the arm of the couch. “I’m sorry to wake you-you.” She forced a deep breath, wincing as shooting pain hunched her over. “Gotta use the bathroom, sorry.” Adora’s grip on her wrist faded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did use a line from this , this song was always this chapter.  
> https://youtu.be/8We0FVflGaU
> 
> It took me a moment to figure out what to write here. 
> 
> This left me feeling really raw.  
> Thank you so much for reading.  
> Ps. Can you tell that I feel physical pain when I feel guilty ? Lol Anyone else relate?


	22. Overture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks to Sathroe for reading this multiple times, even before it was finished and letting me bounce ideas off of her, on top of checking the grammer. It was super important for me to get this chapter right.

Catra,

They tried to send me home. I had my way out, but no. I begged. 

I told them it didn’t hurt.

Where would I have gone back to? 

I don’t know how else to be anymore. 

I don’t know who I am anymore. I had a way out that wasn’t just disobeying orders.

What would Mara have done?

At least I know I’m good at following orders. 

I’m a good soldier.

She-Ra

\--------------------------

  
  
  
  


At least they were in the same bed right? Even though she was facing the other way, she could tell that Catra was still awake, probably. There was no brush of fabric against skin. Catra usually curled up soon after she fell asleep, she would have heard that right, some sort of movement? The silence in the room was oppressive, forcing a stillness that made her hyper aware of where she placed every limb. Her neck was in an awkward position, beyond uncomfortable and had been for what felt like an hour but she didn’t dare move. She kept her breath shallow, quiet. Her body tingled with the want to roll over. If she just turned around and reached her arm out?

Instead Adora’s eyes rested on the deep navy blue paint of the wall, scanning the subtle gradient created by the moonlite pouring through the window. She stared but she didn’t see anything. How was she going to fix this? Could she fix this? Run it all through your head again Adora, one more time.You have to do this. 

There was so much that she wanted to say. A pressure in her chest would swell when she thought she had the right words, only to be trapped by her heavy tongue. If she said the wrong thing, maybe if she tried to say anything at all, Catra might walk out. Decide this was too much after all, but it was though, wasn’t it? Was Friday still even on the table? If it was, could they make it that long? 

She fucked up, again. Royally fucked up.

**_“Why won't you let me love you?”_ **

She did want Catra’s love, desperately. She wanted it more than air, than life, than forgiveness. Then what was she doing? None of this would have happened if she’d just talked to her from the beginning, or at least tried to talk to her. Tell her what it was that she needed. There was no way she could have told her though. Adora didn’t even know what Adora needed. 

Catra was so angry with him, and had been so scared. Of course she had it too. Why didn’t she see it like how Catra saw it in her? She had even tried to tell her. Once again she was too caught up in her own bullshit to notice when it mattered.

**_“You're not the only one with baggage Adora.”_ **

**_“I get it you know. Think about it Adora, when I was kid..”_ **

The look on her girlfriend’s face when she’d snapped at her. Wouldn’t she have done the same thing if Catra was the one at risk? Yes, obviously, and she’d done it before, dozens of times over. Then why couldn’t she let Catra do it for her? Everything had been on her terms, but what about Catra?

**_“So what, I’m good enough to fuck the sad out of you but not good enough to talk to?”_ **

Adora winced, she wanted to bury her head in the pillow and let it all go. She tried so desperately to keep everything away from Catra that she’d pushed her away. She pushed her away and yet expected her to be fine with it? To know how to act? No, comfort me these ways only and be content with that. She was such a fucking asshole. When they were kids if she had acted like she expected Catra to act, would they even be friends? There had been times when that hurt little girl needed space, but there were also times that if Adora had believed the “I’m fine”s and “It’s nothing”s…

Loving her was the most normal, natural thing in the world. It had always been. An entire life built loving Catra and she couldn’t even do that right anymore. If she couldn’t do that then how the fuck was she supposed to fix herself? She let her fear get the better of her, why did she have to say those things? You have no problem biting your tongue when it’s something that hurts you, why couldn’t you do it for her? You are worthless, useless, broken, selfish… She heard the door creak open. No, no, please. Adora jolted upright, twisting to face the door. Don’t leave, please stay.

“Catra, please-” The other woman’s voice cut her off, it was calm and firm.

“I’m just getting some water Adora.” Catra paused in the doorway. “I’ll be right back.”

* * *

  
  


Adora picked at her nails at the end of the hallway, unsure what to do with herself. What the hell had happened? One moment she was drifting back off into sleep and the next Catra’s heart was practically beating out of her chest. If that wasn’t enough to wake her up, her girlfriends shaking was.It had been years since she’d seen her that upset. Not since she was 16, maybe, but even then there was more of an anger to it. This was just pure, grief? Fear? Surely it wasn’t just because Adora was here today. What could she do to fix it though? Make it better? 

  
  


Fifteen minutes she waited. Catra’s eyes were puffy and she didn’t meet Adora’s gaze. Instead she leaned into her until Adora was pressed against the wall. Fingers gripped her shirt like Adora might try to flee. The brunette didn’t say anything as she buried her face into her chest. 

“Catra-” She immediately shook her head and pressed harder against her, Catra moved her hands to the small of her back and squeezed her tightly. 

“Just let me hold you for a minute please.” 

Adora wrapped her arms around her, cradling her head and back, resting her chin in the shorter woman’s hair. Was this alright? Should she be doing more? Adora didn’t know but she did what Catra asked, trying to live with the wash of worry that left a cold trail down her spine. At the same time it also sparked a glowing feeling inside of her. Her sweet, sweet girlfriend just wanted to hold her? This was new, Catra being so vulnerable in the open like this. Adora heard steps head toward them but she didn’t dare look up, nothing was going to take her attention away, she squeezed her love tighter. 

“Oh.. I’m sorry. I’ll uh- be outside when you’re ready.” Scorpia said softly. Catra didn’t pull away from her until the footsteps faded and a door closed. The neediness in her grip loosed. She pulled back just enough to lift her head but she still couldn’t look her in the eye. 

“There’s some things I think I need to tell you.” Catra said softly, placing a kiss on her chin. “This weekend has been so much already, I don't want to get too... I just want to enjoy today with you.” 

“Sure, of course.” Adora said, her fingers working circles at the knot she felt in between Catra’s shoulders. What sort of things? She wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Catra worried about her. Was it starting to wear on her? Whatever it was, she would listen, listen and fix it if she could. If Adora hadn’t been so focused on her problems, if she’d truly been able to set hers aside she’d have seen something like this coming. It obviously revolved around her, the way Catra clung to her made that apparent. That desperate kiss. The last thing she wanted to do was upset her like this.

“It's nothing bad.” How did Catra know her so well? “Well, it's nothing to worry about.” Catra leaned against her again for balance as she pushed up onto her toes. Adora was relieved that her kiss was brief and much less frantic then when they were on the couch. “You, me, dinner Friday. We’ll talk. I should be mostly caught up by then.” 

“Okay.”

* * *

  
  
  


Catra had been reluctant when Scorpia said they needed to leave earlier in the day for her birthday present but now she was thankful for it. She didn’t want to leave Adora’s side, let her out of her sight, but of course she needed to. It had been a whole five minutes into the drive before Perfuma asked her what was wrong. If Catra let it out, all her friends' plans for her would crumble. She almost did when Scorpia hugged her, her friend didn’t say a word when Catra hugged her back. 

The paintings helped. She got lost in them. They’d taken her to the Laguna Gallery of Contemporary Art. Scorpia knew what art was to her, a vacuum for all her rage and sorrow. The two emotions were so intertwined within her. For six years it was all she’d experienced because of that woman. It had taken a princess to introduce her to new ones. After she left it had taken a lot of hard work and a year of appointments to finally paint something that meant more than that again.

It was Perfuma, Scorpia and Mermista that brought her here. It wasn’t like the others weren’t welcome. Glimmer and Bow stayed back to keep Adora company. It was too far to walk in a reasonable amount of time. Seahawk had stayed behind to wait for people who were supposed to help him set up for his ‘grand surprise’ for tonight. As long as it wasn’t his band, The Crew. Catra wasn’t in the mood to feel obligated to sit and watch something.

On a different day she could stay in this gallery for hours. Catra needed to get back to Adora. She felt calmer but ache was still there. It wasn’t fair. Years she yearned to know Adora in this way, to feel the stars of her kiss, the heat of her touch. Now that they’d finally stopped fighting their feelings, it was so hard. Should it be this hard? The past was doing everything it could to rob her of that exciting feeling of a new relationship, deeper bonds forming. The feeling she chased partner after partner, trying to fill the void carved in the shape of her childhood best friend. Adora was different now, more than she’d imagined she would be, but at least she was alive. 

That night she’d run away, that could have been the last time she’d ever spoken to Adora. That could have been her last chance all together. 

“Can we go back please?” It's fantastic, what a smile can hide. “I’m starving.” 

* * *

  
  


The car pulled up way sooner than she’d expected. Adora didn’t know what to make of the way Catra was looking at her. It made her feel strange but she couldn’t quite figure out why. Apparently she wasn’t exaggerating when she said that this weekend had been a lot for her. That was her own fault too, if she hadn’t blown up at Bow. Maybe she should hold off on her gift? Just talking about Mom was hard enough under normal circumstances. 

  
  


It’s not like they weren’t affectionate but Catra had cranked it up by two hundred percent. It might have been nice if not for the way she kept looking at her all day. The way her eyes lingered on her body made every touch feel like more. She usually didn’t feel self conscious of her scars around Catra. Something had definitely happened. 

Adora was thankful for the cool breeze when they sat around the fire to enjoy the birthday cake. It had given her ample excuse to slip into her hoodie. Catra planted herself in her favorite seat of the day once more, Adora’s lap. Adora left kisses on the back of her neck as she eye’d Bow. He wouldn't, right? They agreed that he’d run things by her first, or at least warn her. 

“Hey, birthday babe.” She whispered. Catra let out a soft “hmm.” in reply.“Um… did, did Bow say something to you?” She stiffened. 

“No.” Her voice had an edge to it. Catra set her plate down and sighed. “Adora. Friday, okay? Please?” 

“Sorry,” Adora mumbled against the back of her neck. Her girlfriend slumped forward, hunched over.

“Don’t be.”

* * *

  
  


It was late by the time Seahawk called everyone back outside. It was actually feeling like October. If it weren’t for the fact that Hawk had re-lit the fire, Catra would have tried to join Adora under her hoodie by now. Maybe she would anyway. Having a plan helped, a day to talk, she just wished it could be sooner. If she wanted to get her work done this semester she’d have to bust her ass this week to get caught up. There was only a month left and she needed to show serious progress on her senior thesis for the spring. It didn’t help that she couldn’t decide on a theme, so she was working on two. No, think about that later, focus on her now. It’s the least she could do.

He’d gotten halfway down the long stretch of beach before Catra saw him turn back around. 

“Forget something?” Mermista asked as she sat practically on top of the fire, refusing to join the sweater club. 

“Indeed I did.” The man leaned down and pressed a kiss to her temple. “This and-” he plucked a long necked lighter from the ground. “This! Alright, sit tight friends.” He waved the lighter in the air at two silhouettes near the water. They stood next to a mass of shapes on the ground only visible by the moonlite. 

Catra bolted from the chair. He was going to ruin everything, all she wanted was one peaceful night with Adora this weekend. She could already feel her blood starting to boil, the heat pouring into her muscles. Are you fucking serious? She needed to calm down but a part of her didn't want to. God damn fucking really? She couldn't help her then but at least she could put a stop to this now. It might not even be an issue but they hadn't talked about it, they hadn't talked about anything. Catra didn't want to risk it. Thankfully he hadn’t gotten far before she realized, about a quarter of the way. She’d be able to stop him before.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Catra thankfully let out in an angry hiss, fighting back the urge to scream at him. She ripped the lighter from his hand before he could respond. The taller man backed away from her, confused. Catra’s vision narrowed, palm clenching , the plastic of the bbq lighter creaking. She wanted to smash that clueless look off his face. “You don’t just _surprise_ people with fireworks.” The lighter fell from her grip, every part of her wanted to slam him to the ground. No, you’re not her. Seahawk took another step back and it took the last ounce of her awareness not to close the distance. “My girlfriend has fucking ptsd you moron. She just got back from fucking Afghanistan- do you have any god damn idea?”

“She-she said it was alright?” He looked behind her, begging for assistance.

“What?” Catra snapped back. 

“This is exactly what I didn’t fucking want Catra.” Her breath caught in her throat. It was close to the same tone she’d used with Bow. ” Leave him alone.” Of course Adora had followed after her, why wouldn’t she have?. Catra turned around, the sight of those ocean blue eyes looking at her like that sent a wave of fear to lap at the rage. That childhood fear that she’d finally push Adora away. The world around her warped, like she was looking through a magnifying glass, all the edges blurry as Adora started back towards the house. She felt dizzy.

“Adora.” The distance between them quickly grew. Did she really want to get away from her that badly? “Adora, p-please, wait.” 

“Is that why you’ve been looking at me like that all night? Did you have some grand realization?” Adora stopped, but only for a moment. “I can’t stand that look, not from you.” 

“Are you kidding me? No...Adora. Fuck, what was I supposed to do? Just let you- how was I supposed to know?” Adora was getting further away. Catra had to half run after every few steps just to keep up. Just stop please. Please don’t run away from me.

“Then what was it then!?” At least she stopped, turned around, looked at her. “What made you pity me so much all of a sudden?” She said through clenched teeth. Adora was trying not to yell, she could see her limbs shaking. Catra wanted to be swallowed by the earth, she felt so small, helpless, frustrated. All she wanted was for her to feel safe. 

“Pity!? When have I ever pitied you Adora!? Why the fuck would I?“ Her throat ached, words bleeding with overwhelming frustration and fear. Did this have to happen now? It wasn’t something she wanted to say here. “Maybe I just fucking undertand. I have it too you know! Look at me Adora! I wanted to beat the shit out of him, our friend. We’re both fucked up okay, but we can be here for each other! I can be here for you.” 

Adora squeezed her eyes shut tight. The pain Catra saw in her face might as well have been a fist to her gut. 

“You’re not a murderer like me Catra! Why can’t you get it? I don’t deserve your pity, your understanding. You acted that way because of me. Tell me you would’ve done that if I wasn’t here?” Catra wanted to go back in time and throttle herself. Why couldn’t she have just kept it together for one more god forsaken night.

“You’re the one with no fucking idea. I don’t need you to protect me Catrina.” Adora said threw clenched teeth. She never called her by that name, not like this. Every syllable of it felt like ice on her skin.

“I’m sorry! I know I fucked up okay! You’re not a murderer Adora, I dont care what you did. I’m not stupid, I know you’ve been through a lot. Please, tell me, tell me what I’m supposed to do. I’m just so scared of losing you, jesus! Why won't you let me love you? You can talk to me!” 

Adora winced and started back for the house. “You should care! Because you were right! Everything you told me was right and I didn’t fucking listen. I knew and I did it anyway. Maybe you shouldn’t love me.” She heard Adora draw in a sharp breath. 

“Right about what?” For a moment it looked like she was going to let Catra reach her, but she picked up her pace. “Please, Adora, wait.” Catra called out over and over again. The blonde ignored her, shooting a glare at Glimmer and Bow who tried to intervene as they walked past. She could feel everyone’s stares. The alarms in her mind were blaring, screaming at her to keep the woman she loved in her sight. A feeling that if she got away, she’d never get her back. Catra followed her into the house, barely catching the door before it slammed shut.

“I said, right about what!?” Adora stopped. Thank you. “You can talk to me Adora. I’m sorry I fucked up but you can still talk to me. I’ll always listen.”

“Not always.” Adora started up the stairs. 

* * *

  
  
  


Her legs didn’t want to move again. She was sitting on the edge of the bed facing the wall still, too afraid to look at the doorway. She was going to come back right? Adora wanted to believe her. She was shocked when Catra stepped into the bedroom hours earlier. Quietly changing and slipping into the bed, not once looking at Adora. She couldn’t blame her. After all that she’d said, she said it because she knew it would hurt her. Adora had been so close to breaking down, ripping the bandaid off. Half truths to get Catra to see her for who she really was, that she didn’t need to waste her time anymore, the facade was crumbling. The Adora she’d known had long been ruined.

She didn’t want Catra to hate her, but she also did, after tonight. Adora didn’t deserve her but was still too afraid to show Catra what a monster she really was. She-Ra was dragging them all down. Why couldn’t she just let her go? Tell her girlfriend everything and see what happened? See which one stayed, Catra or the corporal. Why couldn’t she just let herself be happy?

“Adora..” She turned, to see Catra’s hand reaching out to her. “I’m sorry, I.. I can’t just lay here anymore. It's not fair I know. I said Friday but...” Catra’s finally looked her in the eye. “It's okay- if you hate me. I just-” The whimper that escaped the ex-marine made Catra pause. Catra thought she hated her? Adora grabbed Catra’s hand with both of hers. 

“Why would I hate you?” Finally, whatever wall that had been stopping her from crying broke. They weren’t racking sobs, they just fell. “I could never hate you.” 

“Because- because I abandoned you. Because, I pushed you too much.” Catra didn’t fight it when she pulled her into her arms. Her girlfriend’s fingers dug into her shirt again, pulling, like before in the hallway. They both nestled into one another, faces buried in the warmth near the pulse. Catra’s skin was hot against her face.

“I’m sorry Catra. I’m sorry for everything. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” Adora said gently. She could admit it outloud if it meant never making Catra feel this way again. 

“I hate myself.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALY! 
> 
> Overture- an introduction to something more substantial. 
> 
> I can't believe I have an end number of chapters now. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> I appreciate you all being on this ride with me.


	23. Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again Sathroe for reading this over for me!

Catra,

Part of the reason they let me stay is because I’m almost done. I’ve got about 8 months left. 8 months and I can go home. I still don’t know what I'm going to go home to. I don’t know if I can go back to the house. Spinny and Netossa are taking care of it for me until I decide what I'm going to do with it. They took care of the funeral too. 

It was a pain in the ass dealing with the will from the hospital. 

They never found out who the other driver was. 

What if I reenlist? I mean why not? 

I was planning on going to school after this. 

HA! Can you imagine? Sitting in a classroom around all those people, those people who’s biggest concern for the week is if their fake IDs will work. I don’t belong with those people.

Oh this assignment is rough huh? You think the professor has it out for you huh? Wow, that sucks I’m sorry. Oh me? I’m doing alright, just thinking about that little girl they killed for talking to me, no big deal. She had just learned about all the biomes. I wonder if she’d like this class? Any parties this weekend? 

Why do they call us heroes? Did my Dad hate it too? I used to call him that...

I’m no fucking hero.

She-Ra

  
  


\------------------------------------

Hope didn’t say anything at first, waiting to make sure Adora didn’t have anything else to add. She kept doing that. Saying something, pausing and finding new words to tack onto it. Every worry created a new one that she’d think of a moment later. 

“Adora, It’s not Catra who needs to forgive you. I can’t tell you what she’s going to think but from what you’ve told me I don’t think it’s going to be an issue, and even if it is, that doesn’t mean it's ruined.” 

They hadn’t said much else that Monday morning, both of them were exhausted. Everyone was quiet as they packed up the cars and thankfully didn’t ask any questions. She didn’t even need to be drugged that time to sleep the whole ride home. It would have made more sense for Catra to ride with Scorpia but of course she didn’t. They both slept soundly, leaning against one another for support.

Catra tried to stay with her but Adora wouldn’t make her fall even more behind. Friday, she was thankful for Friday. Not only did Catra need to be in the studio but she said she needed to balance herself again. With dozens of reassuring kisses Catra explained that her anger seeped into other emotions when she was overwhelmed. Adora needed time too, to figure out what she needed, figure out what she was going to say. Catra spent the night Tuesday, ignoring Adora’s protests that she didn’t need to if it was just for her. 

“Maybe I need you this time dummy.” She’d said softly. “If you’re up for it too that is. We don’t have to do anything, I just need to show you how much I love you.” 

They made an agreement that even though they were saving the bulk of it for Friday, they would be honest with each other. Not just not lying, but not hiding. It still bothered her, the way Catra looked at her. It was going to take time to rewrite the part of her that saw that look as pity. Catra was allowed to be sad too, allowed to feel hurt for Adora’s hurt.

It was Thursday night now though and Adora still didn’t have any idea what she was going to tell her tomorrow. It was the first time she’d called her therapist outside of their appointments. Adora couldn’t wait until Saturday to talk to Hope, not after this weekend. She was spiraling. There was no homework to distract her (even if there had been that probably would’ve resulted in a panic attack of its own.) Adora had tried exercising but that also didn’t make her feel better, it just hurt. She was so tired of hurting. 

“Adora.” Hope broke the silence again, knowing she wasn’t going to respond. “It's okay to not know how to start. You’re not a failure. It's okay too if you can't yet. I can’t tell you when the right time is going to be, or the right topic. I can help you find it though. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re only 22 years old. You’ve lost both your parents. You helped someone very close to you out of an abusive situation at an extremely young age and for the last three years you experienced more pain than most people will in their lifetime.” Hope paused, Adora stopped trying to muffle her sobs. She shoved the shoe box away from her, approximately a year’s worth of handwritten letters scattered to the floor as the box tumbled over the bed. 

“If someone came to you with your history what would you think of her? How would you treat her?” Adora took a few deep breaths, her mind catching up with everything that had been said.

“I don't know…” How would she help someone else like that? “ I guess, I would be patient, umm, understanding? I’d listen. That still doesn’t tell me how to fix it, Hope.”

“It takes time Adora. Give yourself some understanding, some patience. If you want to keep reading those letters, if you think it will help, read them with that in mind.” Adora looked down at the mess she’d made of her room. The first box she’d dumped on the floor, trying to put them in order. If she could organize them, maybe the memories would stop showing up uninvited. She hadn’t dated any of them, only roughly organized by year. The first box she’d grabbed had brought back too many bad memories so she moved on to the letters that she’d written the first year. Turns out it didn’t make much difference what folded piece of paper she looked at, her mind recalled whatever it felt like. 

“Try to listen to her. She, you, were doing the best you could. And Adora? I’m so proud of you for calling me. I mean it when I say you can call me any time.” Adora’s breath was still shaky, but she nodded before realizing they weren’t on video chat like usual.

“Okay.” 

“Would you like to do some breathing exercises with me?”

* * *

It was cold but she didn’t want to go inside yet. With everything they had talked about up to this point Catra still didn’t know how she was going to handle this conversation. Should she share her shit first? Was she prepared enough to calmly listen to what Adora said? Was she in a head space to even tell Adora about that? Was Adora even ready to tell her anything yet? It wasn’t the end of the world if she didn’t but something had to change. These few days of texting and calling had been reassuring but she still didn’t trust Adora to be honest with her. Not after finding out that she’d dropped out of school weeks ago. Adora didn’t need to update her on every moment or go to her anytime she was upset, just stop hiding it. Did she want updates on every moment? Absolutely, but she knew that was just the anxiety talking. 

That night Adora had been running past her apartment, how scared Bow was when he called her, it terrified her. Catra was also 99% sure that Adora had almost broken up with her when she’d had that breakdown in her room, broken up with her because she loved her. It was an unpredictability she wasn’t used to coming from her. That kind of thinking used to be Catra’s cup of tea.

She understood the not wanting to be pitied, not feeling like you deserved compassion. It had taken her a long time to accept it herself. When Adora had disappeared into the bedroom it was so hard to not fling that door open, to give her space. Bow of all people, had been the one to calm her down. Was he insane? After she had hit him? Scorpia and Perfuma tried, but they didn’t know Adora, not really, and that’s what she needed at that moment. Adora hating her for everything she’d done was all she could think about.

“Catra, she doesn’t hold that against you, not really. Yeah, she was upset sometimes but -.”

“How do you not? How does she not? I saw that photo, Bow. The one you took of her in the hospital.” He looked a little surprised. “You know what she did that day? That day you took the photo? She begged me to talk to her.” That could have changed something, made things easier for her, for them. Catra had her fists against the wall, her arms shaking with the effort. When she felt like hitting something and nothing appropriate was in sight, she just pushed the flats between her knuckles against something hard and pushed as hard as she could and leaned into it. “What if I’m too little too late?” Every word was shaky. The calm from this exercise did not come as quickly as she’d hoped. Catra could still feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. They’d started the moment Adora shut the door and hadn’t stopped since. 

“Listen Catra..” He huffed, rubbed his chin and leaned against the wall. “Your favorite number is 35964 because somehow, they are all related? The order is because of how close they are?” Catra stopped pushing against the wall, now just leaning. Yeah, they were siblings, 5 was the mom. It was a stupid thing her child brain had come up with that made no, but also perfect sense. How did he know that? “Your favorite color is red. You went through a phase where you pretended you were a cat and would purr and uh..” Catra stopped staring at the wall and stared at Bow instead. He was blushing. “You’d rub your face against Adora, you grew out of it but still did it in your sleep sometimes.” Catra felt the heat rise in her face. Well Adora used to pretend to be a horse, she was the barn cat. Before she could respond Glimmer joined them, wrapped an arm around Bow’s waist and smiled at Catra. 

“Your favorite movie is Alien, and she suspected you had a huge crush on Ripley.” Sparkles let out a light laugh. “I mean same.” 

Catra could feel some of the tension leaving her body now. This should feel more embarrassing that it was. Mostly, it just brought back tiny flashes of memories they’d shared. Adora peeking over her shoulder while Catra drew a scantily clad, sweaty Ellen Ripley holding an oversized assault rifle. 

“Ooooh Catra… I didn’t realize...” Adora teased as Catra quickly slapped the sketchbook shut. “That’s one _sexy_ lady.” Did Adora really just say sexy like that?

“No! Shut up! She’s a badass okay! Why? Do you?” 

“Pfftt no.” 

  
  


“You're kinda mean, but in a hot, fun way.” Glimmer said, grinning now, it had brought Catra back to the present. 

“You’re the most beautiful person in any room. Your eyes are like honey and sky, amber and ocean, I could go on for actual hours. Look, Catra, I was nervous as hell to meet you because I was worried I was in love with you too. The way she talked about you, she was so in love with you that we all fell for this impossible girl too.” 

“She…” Catra crossed her arms and stared at the floor. “She said all that? All while I-” ignored her every message.

“I told you before Catra, you were all she’d ever talk about.” He sighed. “It takes work to be there for someone, a lot of work. Especially when they don’t think they deserve it. If you want to know how she really feels about it ask when you’ve both settled down? I’m telling you though, she said all that and more. I knew more about you at one point than I knew about Glimmer.”

Catra finally opened the door to the building. This was going to be hard, if she wanted this, and she did. “It takes work.” he’d said and damn if Perfuma didn’t say the exact same thing. She wasn’t used to it. As soon as things got hard or even boring she’d left, because the first time it got hard, well, she was going to tell Adora about that too. 

* * *

They were alone, fed and warm. Catra’s favorite spot really was Adora’s lap, especially when the blonde sat in a way that she could just lean back and press her forehead to Adora’s cheek. Her shoulder provided excellent neck support too. Was this comfortable for Adora though?

“I thought this hurt your back? Old lady.” She asked. 

“I have a pillow this time, and you’re older than me.” Adora mumbled back, not wanting to remove herself from her new headrest.

“Your boob isn’t going to fall asleep again is it?” Catra smiled victoriously as Adora snorted. Let's start this out with a laugh. “I’ve honestly never had that happen to me before.” 

“Well, let me pin my elbow into your tits for two hours and we’ll find out, and no, your elbow is in the clear this time.” 

They settled back into a quiet, but she didn’t want Adora to get nervous. One of them was going to have to speak before it became too hard to. They had already done their apologies earlier in the week, that wasn’t what today was for. Today was for telling, telling and listening. 

“So, I’m going to go first and because I know us, I just want to say that you don’t have to share more than you’re ready for right now just because I am.” She felt Adora’s cheek push up in a smile. 

“We really can turn anything into a competition, can't we?” Catra didn’t let Adora’s words hang long, they’d waited long enough to do this.

“I don’t want you to say anything until I’m done.” Catra took a deep breath and let it out slow. This wasn’t something she actually wanted to tell her, but it would help her understand. It might also backfire horribly. It broke her heart, when Adora said that she hated herself. All through her childhood she wished she could be more like Adora. Catra wanted to be kind, understanding, make friends but she couldn’t. She couldn’t trust anyone else but the little family that she’d found herself in. 

It wasn’t her fault, she understood that now, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t responsible for the things she had done. 

“After you left, I just sort of gave up on trying to be a good person. I didn’t even see Mom after that night. I saw her, unfortunately, but not Mom.” Most nights she was able to slip in and out of her supposed room, the one she barely used, through the window. Emily had actually driven by one morning, looking for her. “So I stole the bitch’s credit card to buy some things for school and a plane ticket. Which I still don’t regret. She can go to hell.” Catra grinned to herself, she never checked the billing, not when Catra wasn’t around to confront directly. The cunt loved the dramatic opening of the mail while she trapped Catra in her bedroom. She’d been accused of stealing from her since she was… four? This was the only time she’d actually done it. “So fast forward a few months and I’m here. Scorpia attaches herself to me, in spite of my best efforts. I told you about that already, the pottery class.” Adora nodded. 

“Then I met-” Catra hid her face in the crook of her girlfriend’s neck and reached for her hand. “Abby.” It was the first person she’d ever been drawn to that wasn’t Adora. Catra had been rushing to class, coffee in one hand, oversized canvas case in the other. She’d happened to look up as she was passing the rec center. There was a tall, toned girl with light brown hair pulled up in a ponytail underneath her baseball cap. She was staring at Catra. When Catra smiled at her, she tripped and flew off the back of the treadmill, and just like that, Catra was head over heels. Abby literally was when Catra panic flew into the building.

“She reminded me so much of you that sometimes I felt guilty about it. I have a type I guess, for dorky jocks.” Adora let out a small giggle and intertwined their fingers. Who are clever, earnest and selfless to a fault. “It didn’t… last long.” Catra shifted, and Adora took the hint, on second thought, it didn’t feel right to be held like this when she said it. Once Catra was settled back down on the couch she willed herself to continue. Rember, you didn’t have the tools, you didn’t know. 

“When I get upset, really upset, it turns to anger. Back then it didn’t take much for me to get overwhelmed. You saw it too, when we were kids, and for that I’m sorry.” There was no hint of emotion other than calm caring in Adora’s expression. She had a lot of practice at soothing Catra, she felt silly for having been worried about her girlfriend’s reaction. “I don’t even remember what we - what I was fighting about. I think she had to cancel plans we’d made, that I was really looking forward to. I accused her of cheating, of faking liking me, of using me. Using me for what? I still have no idea what I was thinking.” It was hard for her to look at Adora now, so she just stared at the other end of the couch. “I put a hole in the wall, right next to her head, right next to where she was sitting.” They let silence fill the room. She’d really, really, liked Abby. Even if she didn’t that still wouldn’t have stopped the shame she felt about this moment. 

“I hated myself for it. I was disgusted by myself. I was becoming her.” She was still afraid of becoming her. “Scorpia convinced me to go to the school’s mental health services and a month later they told me I had CPTSD. Do you know what that is?” Adora nodded. Good, she didn’t really want to have the whole, “Well, you know how she abused me for years?” conversation.

“I still work really hard, to keep my emotions sorted. Anger is the worst because I know that sometimes it’s okay to be angry, I just can't trust it. That’s what happened this weekend, I got overwhelmed and that hadn’t happened in so long. I was out of practice. Now that you know mostly the whole thing, I’m sorry.” It didn’t take long for Adore to respond and Catra was thankful for that. It made her feel shitty even though she’d forgiven her younger self for it.

“Can I respond or..” Catra nodded. “I love you Catra. I’m so proud of you, you’ve grown so much.” There was a whine that she couldn’t choke back as Adora kissed her forehead. No, she wasn’t going to cry right now. “Thank you for telling me, and I need you to know that I don’t think any less of you.”

“Really?” Catra managed to say with a hard swallow. Adora knew how she could be, this had been different though, it had felt like a cusp of the violent person who had hurt her.

“Yes.” Adora said softly. “I promise.” She always knew what Catra needed to hear, even if it would take a while to believe it. Chalk it up to years of practice.

Catra blinked away tears, she could do that later, if she started she wasn’t going to be able to stop. Adora wouldn’t get to say what she needed to. “Way to make it a competition by the way.” What? Catra eyed the woman, confused. Her girlfriend had that smug expression that she loved so much. Why though?

“What?” she replied as Adora nudged playfully. 

“You have the complex ptsd, while I just have the plain ole’ vanilla kind. Way to one up me.” Adora said in a gentle, sly tone but her eyes were obviously searching. It did get a smile out of her. Start with a laugh, end with a laugh. That’s what they’d always done before when conversation looked like it was getting serious, just not with something this intentional. Old patterns again, maybe some of them still belonged in this new stage of their life. 

“Pfft. What can I say, I’m a complex gal.” Adora’s worry fades for a moment, but not for long it turns out. “I do have more, I need to say, talk about ,but I think that’s all I can do for right now. so..” Catra tutted awkwardly, not exactly sure how to go from here but wanted to keep it casual. She’d failed at that this time. 

After a brief kiss, one Catra wasn’t aware she so desperately needed, Adora stepped into the kitchen and returned with two glasses of water. Adora sipped hers repeatedly, obviously biding time. Catra could wait. The more time that passed the more uncomfortable her love became, shifting back and forth. Catra wanted to fix it, to say something but didn’t want to push again. She needed to start trying to trust Adora to tell her what she needed, she couldn’t do that if she never gave her the chance.

“I’m-glad-you-never-messaged-me.” Adora said it so fast, so suddenly Catra didn’t think to stop the “huh?” that came out of her mouth. The blonde pressed her lips together, inhaled through her nose and forced a breath through her teeth. She looked like she was going to be sick. 

“Adora you don't have-”

“Catra, if I don’t get this out now I don’t know when i’ll be able to.” Adora’s eyes looked distant and cold. “You’re not connected to anything there. Not really. Only the things I've been trying to keep away from you, the things I think about all the time. If we’d been talking, well, I don’t know if it'd be worse or not, but I think it would.” Okay, she’s just going to go right into it. Catra didn’t have much time to even process how she felt about that before Adora continued. Save for later.

“Bow told me you found the photo, please don’t be mad at him, I was going crazy trying to figure out what I missed.” She said in the continued rush. Her girlfriend’s knee went from bouncing to calm, her breathing slowed too. Adora went completely still except for her lip, which she was chewing, thinking. “I want to tell you why I couldn’t sleep at night, about most of these scars, but I might not ever be able to tell you anything else. Are you okay with that?” 

Catra wasn’t as good as Adora at keeping a calm comforting face, not when Adora looked like this, her hands were shaking. Listen, don’t react, just listen. 

“Yeah, whatever you need.” 

Adora closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Catra wanted to hold her, like she’d done for her, but didn’t want to interrupt to ask. She would comfort her later, and probably need some herself. Her Adora had been hurt, and there was nothing she could have done about it. 

“I never made it home for Mom’s funeral...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to the end!  
> Thank you again for reading.  
> Comments and Kudo's are always bbrrrr good. 
> 
> PS its weird to write out therapy.


	24. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Would you be, everything I wanted, in a lover and an accomplice, could you be her?  
> Would you feel, together and inebriated, enabling every fable we were never meant to be, but together?  
> Did you mean, to misinterpret images of our innocence and vestiges of virtue?  
> Would you feel, pity for the masses, who were adding and subtracting with scandals that we made together?" - m'Lover - Kishi Bashi

Catra,

“This is unbecoming behavior of a corporal.” 

It is, and it's unbecoming of me. 

He cut me a break this time but I don’t think I can get away with something like this again. An immaculate record only goes so far.

I don’t remember much of the night, but the bruises on our faces and how sore my shoulder is tells me enough. Bow and I snuck a couple of drinks. Bow had a couple, I had a lot, again.. I thought Bow would be mad at me but … I don’t get him. I really don’t.

Do normal people ask someone who picked a fight with them to move in? I seriously was considering re-enlisting but, he said if I wanted to apologize I should move in with him and his girlfriend. He also told me to apply for school there, that the university he was going to had a good pre-med school. That’s what I'd like to do so… why not? 

It’ll be awkward, around all those, normal people but Bow will be there too. Maybe it wont be so awkward because he gets it. He knows what this feeling is. 

I think I’m going to do it. 

What else do I have to lose? I can’t think of a single thing.

She-Ra

\-----------------------------

  
  


When her arms and legs extended in a morning stretch without obstruction it caught her off guard. No Adora to bump into. She looked to the nightstand in her new morning ritual but nothing was there. This was her bedroom. Catra fished for her phone. She hadn’t gotten to text Adora “good morning” in a while. It's funny how in just two weeks waking up in a bed alone can feel so forgien. 

After Friday night Catra couldn’t fathom falling asleep and waking up anywhere else but next to Adora. When she’d leave to go to the studio for the day it would take hours to just get a few brush strokes in. Thankfully oil took forever to dry. She was surprised when she started waking up before her early bird girlfriend. Adora looked so peaceful, so beautiful, and with every gentle rise of her chest she looked so alive. 

Sometimes Catra pressed herself tighter against the warmth of her skin and breathed in the scent of her as she looked at the photograph that had returned to its home next to Adora’s bed. Other times she would simply look back and forth at the both of them. Catra had never loved someone that she’d never met before, had never felt so grateful for someone she’d never get to thank. 

“I want..” Adora had asked her to follow her into the bedroom. Catra sat down on the bed and waited patiently as shaky fingers pressed onto the lip of the drawer of the nightstand. “I want you to meet..” She opened the drawer and pulled out a picture frame. It was the woman Catra had asked about the first time she’d shared this bed with Adora. It was the woman who Adora looked at so fondly in the video where she and Bow taught Adora how to dance. “I want to tell you about Mara.” 

They ended up not talking about anything else after that on Friday night. At least not until the following Friday. That was their Friday night for now, for as long as they needed. Adora hadn’t talked about anything else so far, just her week and that was fine. It turns out it's actually easier for them both to save their larger problems for a specific time that it was to admit them in the moment. It took the pressure off of both of them. 

It had really hit Catra somewhere around the fifth or sixth morning. It wasn’t just that Adora was alive. Her every breath was cause enough now for Catra to realize what almost wasn't. Adora was tucked under her chin this time, Catra focused on the gentle puffs of heat against her chest as her eyes once more found Mara. 

They had been born in the same small town in Washington. They were put in the same class. They helped one another through ups and downs, fought, played, and loved for thirteen years. After a while their meeting again at this university made sense. They’d always been together, why wouldn’t they find eachother again? There was more to it than that now, more than just the mind bending strings of fate to think about. This was different. One moment, one choice. 

Catra thought about all things that might have “never”. To never hear Adora’s voice again, see her smile, feel her. No morning cups of coffee where Catra teased about how much sugar she needed to drink it. No running from a soaking wet girlfriend trying to pin her down because Catra had snuck in and turned the hot water off when Adora wasn’t looking. Those earth shatteringly blue eyes would never make her heart stutter from across the room.

Catra would have never gotten to say I love you, if not for her. Navy Corpsman Mara Fyrth had made a choice, and Catra was going to spend the rest of her god damn life making sure that choice knew just how fucking loved she was.

Not only had it been awhile since she’d woken up in her own bed it had also been a while since she’d gotten to sleep in this late. 11 am was practically half the day gone, the thought made her laugh into the empty bedroom. Who was this person she was becoming? Catra Weaver had Friday night check-ins with her girlfriend instead of going out. She now thought 11am was half a day wasted apparently. She wanted to surprise her lover with home cooked food and flowers when she got off work tonight. Adora’s first real shift after two days of training, Catra wanted to celebrate it.

“Some Wildcat I am.” 

* * *

  
  
  
  


Adora placed the small box that she’d meant to give Catra on her birthday on the table. She’d spent the last week and a half orchestrating this moment. It was one of the few ways she could occupy herself. Adora planned out every ingredient, what time everything needed to be started by and swapped out of the oven with. It wasn’t a big kitchen and Adora wanted to pull out every favorite from thanksgiving’s past for tomorrow. Neither of them were experienced with cooking at this scale but thankfully they were going to have help. 

She’d lasted a whole three days as a security guard before she promptly told her employer to go fuck themselves. She could and would disobey orders. That man wasn’t bothering anyone near the complex. He’d sat behind his sign, hat on the ground and played his guitar. They told her to get him to move, instead she gave him two hundred dollars and radioed back that they could kiss her ass. Until she was finished getting her motorcycle permit job options were limited, so she threw herself into planning instead. 

Right on time Catra opened the door with an overstuffed backpack and a giant bottle of wine. Adora couldn’t contain her excitement in spite of her extremely casual planned pose on the couch.

“Why do you look like you’re up to something?” Catra said as she placed her backpack down. Adora just smiled wider at her. The less she said the better. Her girlfriend’s expression grew more incredulous when she opened the fridge. “This is an awful lot of food for two people.” She turned her head and glared at Adora, Catra hated not knowing. Bow and Glimmer were spending the break between their families. Adora had actually successfully lied and said that they had the apartment to themselves for the holiday. At least she thought she’d successfully fibbed. Catra’s mismatched eyes grew hopeful. 

“Wait, did you get your appetite back?” She hated to disappoint her, this she wouldn’t lie about to keep her secret going. 

“No, I’m still on a schedule.” She had reminders on her phone to eat that went off every few hours. Adora had finally done what Hope had suggested months ago and asked for medication. For the first few days the SSRI’s she’d been prescribed had made her feel like shit. Adora suspected that was part of the reason Catra had stayed over for nearly two weeks. Medications were tricky, not everyone reacted the same way. She was nauseous and then after a week she noticed she’d hardly eaten anything, or rather Catra, Bow and Glimmer noticed. It was worth it though, she’d try this one for a while longer because a few days ago she realized she’d gone almost a whole day with a quiet buzz of happiness, while she was alone, no pull from the undertow of guilt, grief. 

Adora pulled out her phone and sent a quick text before calling her lover over. 

“I have something for you.” She beckoned Catra to the seat cushion next to her. “Your birthday present.” 

The level of absolute speechlessness from her girlfriend as she dangled the small gold lion necklace in front of her made Adora’s heart swell. She knew their bond to her mother was an unusual one but she was grateful for it. People could empathize but Catra felt the same way she did and nothing could compare to that. The brunette kept looking back and forth from the slowly rotating lion and Adora. Catra’s eyes said everything that her mind couldn’t find the words for. 

Catra looked scared as she picked up the note and Adora realized.

“No, it's not a letter from Mom, sorry. I should’ve said something.” Catra let out a heavy breath and opened the folded sheet of paper, her smile forming with every line her eyes skipped down to. Adora didn't know what the letter said, it wasn’t for her, but she knew Spinny and Nettossa loved Catra. Catra loved them too, even if she pretended to grow out of it as a teenager. They were the closest thing to family both of them had left. 

The young couple’s back yard had practically become an extension of their own, and had excellent things to climb. There were a few times they’d baby sit the both of them. Her mother had said on a few occasions “Please, please take them for a few hours. They have too much energy and I need a break.” Her mother really was quite amazing, not only had she raised her alone but didn’t bat an eye when Catra became a near constant addition to their house. She also took it in stride when Spinny carried Adora back into her house panicking, Adora sobbing with a broken arm, Catra trailing behind them also crying. She’d tried to beat Catra up to the top of their neighbors tree and fell in front of an instantly horrified young adult. They really were wild kids weren't they?

“Thank you.” Catra choked out. Adora brushed the hair from her eyes and gave her a gentle kiss. 

“There’s something else too. Do you need a moment? How are you feeling?” She asked and Catra gave her something close to her usual coy smile. 

“I think I’m fine. Thank you for asking babe.” she replied softly. Good, because Adora was excited to see them that her heart rate was close to tilting her brain over to anxiety. 

“Come on in!” Adora yelled from the couch. Catra’s head swung to the door, not sure what to expect. The door opened slowly and two women in their late 30’s stood in the doorway, suitcases next to them. 

“Hey kiddos!” Netossa beamed at them. 

“They look so grown!” Spinny had tears in her eyes already. 

Adora loved her friends, they were family to her but as the four of them greeted and filled the living room she felt a word, a feeling swell inside of her that she’d given up on over a year ago. Home.

It was about twenty minutes after the hellos and hugs that Adora realized she’d forgotten to mention something to them. Catra’s hands found themselves pulling her down for a kiss as the older pair settled their things into Bow and Glimmer’s room. Adora got lost in her perfect lips until an inhuman squeal from the hallway broke them apart. Nettossa and Spinny both stood there, mouths agape and eyes wide. 

“Oh yeah..Uh..” Adora couldn’t finish her sentence, laughter at their stunned faces took over instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think these last few chapters might be a bit shorter. I don't want to just fill it with stuff that doesn't have meaning.


	25. Horsepower

Catra, 

It felt weird not writing to you, so here I am on the beach with Glimmer and Bow, watching the waves and feeling so fucking strange. 

At first I just sort of floated through the days. I bought furniture. It’s been a while since I’ve shopped for clothes. I have to worry about bills now?

I don’t like this. I really need school to start so I have something to do. 

I’ve started therapy, that’s something good I guess.

I want to thank you though, for everything. It’s real now that I’m here. I know that I'll probably never see you again. I think that is what I was dreading the most but I feel oddly okay with it? I just wish I would’ve told you how I felt when I had the chance. I wish I would’ve realized. I hope you're doing well. You of all people deserve a happy life. Maybe we will run into each other one day, years from now. I’ll do my best to be nice to your boyfriend or husband or whoever. I love you so much. Thank you for listening to me for these past three years. I don’t know if I could’ve done it without you. 

This will be my last letter to you. 

Thank you. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Adora shifted to neutral as she approached Catra’s apartment. She wanted to sneak up for her planned reveal. Her hands dug into the grips to quiet her shaking. Every part of her felt like it was vibrating, she felt fucking fantastic. Her medication was doing a decent job at keeping her anxiety at bay but this morning she woke up with a familiar tingle in her skull and tension in her shoulders. It should have just been pure excitement but her body had gotten into the sport of edging a panic attack all day, just on the cusp but not enough to spill over. Catra did that to her enough already, she didn’t want it in other parts of her life. 

When she hit the highway all that alertness had an outlet, it was like pulling a plug to a drain. Adora was in danger, sort of. She needed to be aware of so many things at once, the tension eased, turning into focus. She-Ra got to protect her again. It was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. The weaker suspension of the tail of the Bobber might not be great for her back but it added an extra layer to the power under her, more to be aware of. The bike felt more grounded, the engine more powerful as mile markers and signs blurred by. 

The classes had merely given her a taste of what this would feel like. Actually getting to ride it for real was intoxicating. All the new possibilities made her feel high.

She preemptively lowered the kickstand for what hopefully was to come and pulled off her helmet, hanging it on the handle bar. With a quick look in the mirror she fixed her hair but left it a little mussed. She’d spent so much god damn money today. Between the bike, accessories for an eventual passenger and her new outfit she would have been able to pay their rent for half a year. Holy shit was it worth it. It might be a California December but it was still December and that obviously called for a thick new leather jacket. The boots, the boots were pure indulgence. 

After undoing the snaps and zipper enough to show off just a bit of the cleavage underneath, she returned her hand to the throttle. Keeping it in neutral she revved the engine and watched for Catra in her bedroom window. Nothing. That's fine, she was in love with the sound of this power, this freedom anyway. 

She cranked the throttle again, just a little harder this time. The muffler let out a satisfying pop and the motor quieted back down to a gentle purr. Adora barely remembered to adjust her grin into a smirk when her favorite face peered out the window. In her head she could hear all the “fucks” Catra was probably saying as she scrambled for clothes. She leaned back and crossed her arms just before her girlfriend flew out the front door. That was fast. Catra slowed to a walk when she got close to the sidewalk. Her cool expression almost broke when a throaty, needy groan reached her ears.

“Well?” Adora said, barely keeping her act together under the hungry eyes of her girlfriend.

“Holy fuck!” Catra blurted out. She couldn’t do it anymore, she was way too happy to hold down this giggle. Catra was an absolute mess at the sight of her. 

“My eyes are up here Catra.” Usually something that corny got her an eye roll, instead she cleared her throat.

“Uh, ah, hnn, how ah- how does it feel?”

“It's fucking amazing! I don’t think I can get off this thing.” That just seemed to excite her more and she finally approached Adora. She slid back in the saddle and helped her balance as Catra straddled both her and the motorcycle. At least five minutes must have passed before she remembered that the motor was still running. It was a bit clumsy but she managed to do it without breaking their kiss for long, she even got the keys in her pocket without dropping them. 

Catra won, the moan she let out when Adora bit down on her lip was still her favorite sound. The bike would have to settle for second. Adora dug her gloved fingers into her hips to hear it again.

“Still think you can’t _get off_ here?” Catra whispered in her ear as she pulled Adora back by her hair, lips moving to her neck. 

“Illegal.” It was barely a whisper. Adora tilted her head back more, giving into another tug and closed her eyes. Teeth nipped at her jaw. “Bed?” Words were hard. 

“You’re keeping the jacket on.” 

* * *

Adora had told her that Sundays were usually good days for her and she hoped that today would be no exception. Catra tucked her hand under Bow’s head and helped him sit up on the couch, his currently useless arms tucked into his sides.

“How does it feel?” She asked him from her seat on the coffee table. 

“Oh you know.” The man said with a groan as he righted himself the rest of the way. “Like there’s this weight off my chest.” It was Catra’s turn to groan. 

“Your girlfriend better be back soon because I’m going to smother you while you're defenseless.” He tried to laugh but it quickly turned into a hiss of pain. They just smiled at each other instead. She couldn’t imagine the relief he must feel but she was happy for him. Catra never thought she’d be excited to see a man’s bare chest but here she was. A few more weeks and they’d all be subjected to a constantly shirtless Bow.

“Tell me again why I have to wear boots but I can’t wear these ones?” Adora asked with a sigh, holding her new black leather boots that Catra loved seeing her in. 

“Just trust me princess.” The bike was helping Adora find ways to occupy her time but she was still restless. She had found another job and promptly quit again. Which was fine for now but she wondered just how long that insurance payout would keep Adora going. Catra was just months away from graduating but she was a fine arts major, not exactly her best life choice no matter how much she loved it. That was a problem for future Catra and Adora.

For now she thought she’d found something that she was sure Adora was going to love. If she didn’t want to do it all the time she would at least enjoy it today. Catra had found this place a while ago but between school and Adora needing to be able to get there herself in the future, winter break was the only time she could take her. 

It was practice too, practice in the car. As much as she’d love to spend their spring road trip clinging to Adora on the back of the bike, they wouldn’t be able to take anything back with them. One vehicle just made the most sense if her girlfriend could swing it. Catra couldn’t fathom the amount of effort it took her to get in a car after what happened to her. Adora had only freaked out once so far on their short trips. Glimmer and her almost hadn’t noticed. Adora looked like she was choking and they quickly pulled over for an impromptu sit in the grass. Music loud and eyes closed was the way to go. If that didn’t work today, try again tomorrow. If they didn’t have Scorpia’s car they could use Glimmers. They'd just keep trying.

* * *

They were forty minutes into the hour drive when the road started to get rougher. She wondered how well the bike would do out here, no one would notice if Adora hit the pavement here. The fields well outnumbered the buildings. Catra turned the deafening music down. 

“How you doing? Feeling alright?” She asked, stealing glances at Adora laid back in the passenger's seat.

“Catra,” Adora said flatly “The more you ask, the less okay I feel.” Right, she was worrying too much again. They were both still getting used to navigating this kind of stuff. She’d done the same to Catra for a while, constantly checking in when she got a little emotional. Her anger at landing on Netossa’s fully developed Park Place for the third time was more than warranted. Even if Adora wasn’t fine they only had a few more minutes to go. 

“I’m Huntara, and you must be the girlfriend, Adora.” She was huge, slightly taller than Adora and her arms were bigger too. Catra felt very small next to both of them. Adora cleared her throat and smiled awkwardly as she reached out and shook the woman’s hand. Adora stammered out a greeting, her ears were red. Oh my god. Catra stepped back to get a better look. Her girlfriend was blushing, flustered. Adora was fidgeting with the sleeve of her jacket. This was new and she was about to give her so much shit for it. Huntara turned toward Catra. 

“You said she doesn’t know why you’re here right?”

“Nope.” Catra replied, popping the ‘p’ in the word. She crossed her arms and smirked at the blonde. Adora blushed harder, her eyes jumping back and forth between the buff woman and her a few times. Her girlfriend threw her a placating smile. Catra just shook her head. 

“Great! Let me get some things from the office and you can follow me in your car to the arena.”

Catra tisked as they headed back to the car. 

“Wow Adora.” She said teasingly. “Like I’m not even here.” Catra let out a dramatic sigh.

“I love you and you are gorgeous and brilliant and all I’ve ever wanted.” This is delicious. Tell me more Adora. 

“Uh huh, is that so oh Goddess? I’ve never seen you so flustered before. Where’d all that cocky bullshit go?” 

“Look, she looks just like-” Adora covered her face with her hand. “-like my first.” she muttered. That took her by surprise. Her first was a beefcake huh? “And! The cocky stuff is when I’m actually trying. I’ve got no need to try.” Catra waited until they were seated in the car to reply. 

“Likely story Uh-dora.” She snickered at herself. “Really, I’m disappointed. I take my girlfriend out to get to ride some horses and she wants to ride the owner instead.”

“Catra, if you keep-” She paused, seatbelt not fully clicked in. Adora snapped her head up and stared at her, all the flush replaced with an expression of full deadly seriousness. “What did you just say?”

Catra saw that little girl again. The one full of wonder. The one at the fair being lifted up onto the pony. This place always needed volunteers, and they could learn to ride if they wanted to. She also wouldn’t be the only vet here. Everyone here understood and no one thanked them for their service. Adora would definitely be back. She had said that all the jobs she’d looked at seemed pointless to her. Hopefully this would fill that sense of purpose for a while, as long as she didn’t enjoy the view too much. 


	26. Catra,

Mom, 

We’re going back soon, I think it's only going to be a few months this time again though. By back I mean Japan, since we aren’t going to be away from here for long. I want to take my leave though soon, come see you. 

I know I’ll probably end up talking to you before you get this but I just want to say thank you again for the care package. Cookies were fantastic as always. 

I know you’re worried. I’m fine, I promise. I'm just tired. We don’t really see much action here and they aren’t really as active or well armed as they were 16 years ago. 

I know this time of year has always been hard for you, especially now that I’m here. The anniversary. That’s not going to be me okay? I'm going to ----- ------ ------------- --------

\----------- ---- - -- ------- ---

  
  
  


\-------------------------

  
  


She wasn’t ready to put them in a box, not yet. Instead she leaned back into the old red couch and stared at them on the mantel. They’d gotten a lot of the house packed in the last five days. She would still need to come up again but that could wait until after Catra graduated. This trip could’ve waited until after she graduated but Adora had waited long enough. 

So much work needed to be put into this place before it went to market. Carpet to be replaced, scratched door frames to be fixed. When she asked Catra if she wanted to return this summer to help she scoffed at her. 

“Of course dummy.”

Neither of them knew jack shit about updating or remodeling a home but they are, and were surrounded by lesbians. Surely one of them had to have a knack for it. It was another thing she could throw herself into while she figured out what she wanted.

And then there was what Catra had said. “We could just move here you know?” Adora wasn’t sure how serious she was being. They both had a good life starting in California. They had great friends, favorite places and routines. Adora had already put a deposit on an apartment. Moving back here together was a lot to think about. For some reason it seemed far more serious than just getting an apartment. That and there was Mom, or rather, there wasn’t Mom. It wasn’t going to sell right away, there would be plenty of time to think about it.

At least they didn’t need to clean when they got here. Spinny and Netossa had been going above and beyond in taking care of the place. It wasn’t that dusty and it was aired out once a week. They’d even bought new sheets to put on her old bed for them. It had been a tight fit with both of them before and it was even tighter now. Adora didn’t mind being wedged against the wall with Catra pressed up against her. Having something solid against her back always made her feel safer anyway. 

They’d spent hours packing her room, their room really. Mom had offered Catra the small guest room as her own but she never took it, not unless they were fighting. Even then that usually only lasted a few days. It should have been quick work, that was a skill she did learn after all. Apparently no amount of marine efficiency could win a fight against years of pinning armed with nostalgia. 

Adora was sorting her dresser into toss or donate piles when Catra tapped her on the shoulder.

She’d turned around to see a very snugly fitting red shirt, black suit jacket and undone tie. Adora grabbed the ends with the tips of her fingers. 

“Still don’t know how to tie these do you?” Adora said with a smirk before leaning down to kiss her, righting a wrong that probably would have changed everything. Except she had leaned away from her. Adora opened her eyes to Catra mischievously smiling back at her. Hands at her waist guided her a few steps over and Adora stood confused. Hands roamed up her sides and to her chest. Her heart leapt to her throat as she was suddenly shoved backwards, landing only half on the bed. 

“I’ve actually dreamed of this moment.” Catra said before pouncing on top of her. Unfortunately things hadn’t gone as Catra planned either, their foreheads smacking together as she rushed down to kiss her. 

“Smooth.” Adora said with a laugh, rubbing her wound. 

About every fifteen minutes or so one of them found something to be distracted by. “Remember when you got this?” or “I wonder if this would still fit?” Adora’s letterman jacket did not in fact fit anymore, stopping at the shoulder. Catra pretended she didn’t like wearing it but Adora was more than happy to get her lined leather jacket back from her. They’d both forgotten how cold Washington was in the spring.

Adora sat up on the couch when Catra appeared in the doorway to the office holding a small stack of folded papers in one hand. 

“Hey, uh.” She shuffled uncomfortably prompting Adora to gesture her over to the couch. Catra continued once an arm was pulling her in close on the seat. She held the papers out in front of them. “I don’t know what you want to do with these. I started reading one of them, sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry, I just didn’t know what they were.” Adora grabbed one and unfolded it. 

“There’s quite a few in there, like a lot actually. I never took you for the letter writing type.” Adora did her best to keep a straight face as she stared at Catra. Sure, she had written to her mother quite often. Yeah, they had phone calls but she mentioned that after the first two that she would go back to reread them when they couldn’t talk. She’d read them to qualm her stress, to assure herself that her baby was safe, that she’d come home, to hear her voice in them.

“I wrote to you too.” She replied, setting the paper on the coffee table. A lot, way more than a lot. When Adora had tried to use them to organize her thoughts, organize the order of events that interrupted her days, she’d stopped counting after 200. 

“Oh.” Catra responded softly, her face sinking for a moment before settling into a smile. “Too bad I was being a dumbass. I would have loved to read them.” Adora had almost thrown them away not even a week ago. Her life was all boxes right now, between packing the house and preparing to move. Adora wanted to get them moved into the new apartment as quickly as possible. It was time for another graduation party and she wanted to host it at their new place. She just didn’t know what to do with those damn letters. 

Adora wanted them gone but the more comfortable, open, she felt around Catra the more it felt like those letters never belonged to her. They were Catra’s. She would have sent every single one of them if she could have. They probably would have been written differently, the words on some of those pages were hard for her to read. She’d reread some of them a few times. At least now the feelings they brought up had finally started to feel distant, a memory. 

Adora had already told Catra everything when she wrote those pages, but she also didn’t think it was fair for her to actually know. She wasn’t afraid of Catra hating her anymore but rather hurting her. Those were things that no one should have ever had to experience. Why should Catra have to relive her nightmares? 

“Hey,” Adora pressed a kiss to her girlfriend’s cheek. “Would you mind running next door and seeing when they wanted to leave for dinner tonight?” They were only going to be here another day and Spinny had insisted they go out together at least once before they left. 

“Sure, but if they call us an old married couple again I’m telling them we broke up when we get back in Cali.” 

Adora picked up the small styrofoam lined box and placed it on the mantle next to her parents. She brought her hands up to the two small brassy urns that sat in front of a wall of family photos. She looked so much like her dad, his blonde hair and blue eyes. The last photo they’d all taken together was when she was four. He was just a few years older than she was now. Gently she picked up and held Sgt. Finley J. and Emily L. Greyskull. There were so many things she wanted to ask both of them. They could’ve helped her find answers.

Mom, what did Dad tell you? 

What did you want to know? 

How are you?

I keep looking at the door to your room thinking you’re going to walk out. 

I miss you. 

I love you. 

I’m sorry.

An unexpected side effect of the increased dosage of her meds had been that it made it harder to cry. She pressed both of them into her chest to try to slow her breathing. Her cheeks burned as the hot tears quietly rolled down her face. She desperately wished it was them that was holding her instead. 

Dad, how did you do it? 

Did you see the people you killed in the eyes at line in the grocery store too? 

How did you feel around me? 

Did kids freak you out too?

Why did you reenlist when you could’ve been home with us, with Mom?

“It’s okay.” Adora finally let herself go as Catra spoke up behind her. The tightness in her chest relaxed a little when the sobs started escaping. Warm, strong arms wrapped around her waist and she felt Catra bury her face into her back. “I miss her too. Come here.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Catra rocked back and forth on the floor a few to keep her legs from falling asleep and pulled another of Adora’s boxes toward her. They’d unpacked the essentials already and were surprised to find just how little stuff they had between the both of them. Scorpia had let her take most of the furniture from their place. The only reason Scorpia hadn’t moved in with Perfuma a year ago was because of Catra. Her friend knew that she did better with someone familiar around, not to mention she would have never been able to afford a place on her own. That and she had been banned from living in the dorms her first semester.

It wasn’t huge and it wasn’t anything fancy but it was theirs. All the things she’d dreamed of happening, even a few she’d let die, was actually happening. She was graduating with a Bachelor's degree in a week, a few galleries had given her their cards at her senior thesis show and now she was unpacking boxes in her and Adora’s apartment. Their apartment. The apartment they would live together in. She would get to wake up next to her, play games together, love her, within these walls. 

Catra was so happy it scared her a little, she wasn’t used to feeling this damn good. She could hear Adora in the kitchen over the music, clanking plates they’d picked out together and putting them in cupboards. She wondered if she was dancing while she unpacked the kitchen, the cute way she’d bounce around between spaces like she did when they had packed up the house. 

She lifted the lid on the shoe box to see it stuffed full of neatly folded papers, some with sticky notes poking out from the top. Adora could do these, she didn’t like nosing through papers or paperwork, not after the house. She had learned way too much about Emily that week. Catra put the lid back on and reached for a different box only to see two more shoe boxes, each with numbers scribbled on the side in black sharpie, eached filled edge to edge with folded sheets of paper. 

“HEY! ADORA!” Catra called out, hopefully loud enough for her to hear over the music. The song quieted and her beautiful sweaty blonde appeared in the doorway to their bedroom. “Where do you want these? Are they important?” The way Adora stilled, her eyes glazing over slightly when she saw the boxes made Catra nervous.

“Did you..” Adora started and Catra shook her head before she could finish. Adora took a deep breath and leaned back against the door crossing her arms. She was thinking. Catra leaned back to stretch her legs, she knew it would be a moment before Adora was going to say anything when she got like this.

“Do you want to wait until next Friday?” Weekly had been too much, a month not enough, but every other week had been the sweet spot for their check-in’s for now. Eventually, Adora shook her head and Catra waited.

“Those are yours.” Catra cocked her head and raised a questioning brow. Those most certainly weren’t hers. Adora took another deep breath and gave her a half smile. It wasn’t exactly a happy one. Her girlfriend eyed the worn shoeboxes with the same expression she wore when they’d first pulled up to the house in Washington. “Those are all the letters I never sent you.” 

  
  
  


\----------------------

\----- ---------- ------------ -----------I’m going to tell you over the phone too, I just want to make sure you have this to look back on and read. 

You should save up your pto. When I’m out of here, (less than a year!) we are going to go on a trip together. I don’t remember you ever taking a vacation and we are going to change that. I want to take you to Europe. We can go see the Eiffel Tower, we can go hike Scotland, tour London, wherever. I saved my signing bonus and have been adding money to it since. No arguing! Start thinking about where you want to go.

Love you so much Mom

\-----------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet  
> No matter where you live  
> There'll all ways be a few things, maybe several things  
> That you're gonna find really difficult to forgive  
> There's gonna come a day when you'll feel better  
> You'll rise up free and easy on that day  
> And float from branch to branch, lighter than the air  
> Just when that day is coming, who can say? Who can say?  
> \- Up the Wolves by The Mountain Goats
> 
> I can't convey how much this story means to me.  
> It might be fanfiction but I put a lot of my heart in this.  
> No matter when you read this fic, I'll always read and reply to comments.  
> Thank you for reading this.

**Author's Note:**

> Letters playlist  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/26tnLEmSSi5ASKeycEaGES?si=o4wSs3UjTrWcJqOLOizdfg


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